My perfect dad died, and yet I am fine

[windmillpond]

I know this will sound odd.

Dad had been in hospital for the past 10 weeks or so. He had terminal lung cancer, but it wasn't that that had him in hospital, it was the constant infections he kept getting. We knew he would die at some point soon, though kept getting mixed messages from the consultants depending on the day they saw dad.

Dad was a physicaly strong man in his late 60's.

He died of one of those infections 10 days ago. I was with him when he died. It was so utterly awful to watch, and for the past couple of days of his illness I had been willing him to go.

I have moments when I am overwhelmed with grief for him, particularly when I look for him to take my side in a squabble I am having with mum :(

I expected to break down during his funeral, but didnt.

I am now supporting my mum, and getting on with my life. I do feel sad, and some moments it is a crushing, all consuming sadness, but generally I feel ok.

why is this? I LOVED my dad. he was the best dad i could ever have wanted. I told him as such whilst he was in hospital.

why am i not wracked with grief and wailing?

So sorry for your loss, OP. I lost my mum in January after she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in July last year and I was with her when she died - it was horrible and while I was glad to be there for her and my dad, I wish I hadn't seen her as I can't get those pictures out of my head. However like you, I am fine most of the time, then overwhelmed with grief sometimes, out of the blue. At the moment I almost feel as though I am forgetting her - like she was never there, which is ridiculous.

My dad has been seeing someone at Cruse, because he was as bit worried about how he "should" be feeling and has basically been told that there is no "should". Personally I'm trying to let myself go with the flow - I don't think physically or emotionally I could cope if I was "actively" grieveing all the time so maybe this weird feeling OK is just a way of staying sane!

Not sure if that helps - but reading your post helped me feel like I'm not weird for going through the same.

I had something similar when my gran died when I was 18. It was a couple of years before I had a complete melt down and I properly grieved.

I was exactly the same when my mum died. She was ill with advanced breast cancer and died - not from the cancer, but from an infection, which led to total organ failure.

She had had cancer for 5 years.

I was so concerned about my reaction (or lack of), that I went for a counselling session. The counsellor eventually asked why I was there, and the only reason I could give her was to say that I wanted to know that it was alright to feel like I did. And she gave me permission to be like that.

It sounds crass, but it was very, very helpful.

And as others have said, there really is no one way to grieve. Grief is always portrayed the same way on television or in films as heart-rending sobbing, weeping and wailing. But it doesn't have to be that way.

My mum knew absolutely and categorically that I loved her, and I know absolutely and categorically that she loved me. We had no unfinished business between us.

In just over a week's time it will be 8 years since she died, and nothing has changed.

I know other people have found this odd. But I have come to terms with it.

I hope that this helps you. But if you still feel you need help, I can really recommend that you ask for some bereavement counselling.

I'm sorry for your loss.

sorry, this thread dropped off the "threads i'm on" and i didnt check it again until today. I am still going strong

my dd is really struggling, crying over things she "will never see again" like a feather that blew away, or a toy she lost 18 months ago. I am guessing it is all linked to losing dad :( and i admit, that does make me cry, though obviously i hide it from her, because it just wouldn't help the situation, whilst she is breaking down about losing a feather, if i just joined in the wailing with her!

I also got very emotional today after sorting out photos to go on our lounge wall "gallery" when I realised that as my daughter grows, in order to have pictures of my dad on the wall with her, we will have to have her "baby" photos up forever :( that hit me like a tonne of bricks tbh, and I am wondering if I haven't totally come to terms with the fact that his death is forever.

but still, no wailing. I am much worse when i am tired, and I really detest crying and self-pity (as do all of my family, my dad included) so I try and make sure i am well rested, and so far, that is working well.

I am sorry to hear there are so may other people who, like me, have lost their parents :( I don't feel old enough to have no dad :( I expected him for many more years. For goodness sake, he was lucky enough to have had his mum alive all of his life - why can't I have been that lucky?

So sorry for your loss.
Another one here saying it can be normal! My mum died in horrendous circumstances and I felt ok about it. For seven years everything was ok but a few months after DD was born it hit me like a ton of brick and i found myself in a very dark place. A year on and I still sometimes struggle a bit. I think that for me everything was so hard that I just couldn't deal with it at the time. Be gentle with yourself - this grief thing is weird sometimes and it doesn't always work how you'd expect it to.

I just saw this thread. How are you doing now Windmillpond?

Like others have said, we all deal in different ways.

I loved my dad more than anyone in the world. He was my dad. He was the only person who'd been there my whole life (my mum ran off when I was 2 - my dad got custody and my nan took care of me when he was away - he was in the RAF) He was the one who took me to footy when I was little (he failed to convince me to like it) and collected me from school, the one who was there when I had my first period (poor bloke LOL) the one who visited me every couple of weeks when I started uni and took me for an Italian, the one who ferried me around the country when I (frequently) moved. The one who I spoke to when I rang 'home'. He was the one who bought me my first car and towed me all the way from the Lake District to County Durham when it broke down. And yet when he died (I was there with him, as was my Step-mum) I was numb. If anything I felt relief, because it was his choice to go (he wanted to stop all meds) and he'd not been 'himself' for so long.

Its been two years now, and I never had any kind of 'breakdown'. I get a bit teary sometimes, especially when my eldest asks about him (my youngest was with me when he died but only 5 months old). I think I'd probably accepted I'd lost him a long time ago. I felt guilty for a while, for not feeling anything, but he knew I loved him, even though I never said it. I'd probably thought about his death so often before it actually happened, I'd already gotten it out of my system. I think my step-mum was the same, although it was so much harder for her as I had my young family to distract me.

Its ok to be fine. It really is x

Hi windmill - just seen this thread. My dad died 3 weeks ago, the funeral was a week ago, and I am coping too. I didn't really cry at the funeral (and felt guilty) but am carrying on and found it reassuring to read this thread. Hope you are ok and your dd too, mine is only 1 so too young to understand (which is a blessing in a way), but I feel for you having to deal with that too.
I can relate to the baby photos aspect of things - I can't look at them at the moment because he looks so happy and proud with dd, which he was but its too much if you know what I mean.

My dad died suddenly of a heart attack, his friend summed it up when he said it was exactly how he would have wanted to go (quickly) just 20 years too soon. Very true, he was a fantastic grandad.

Hope you're ok :)

hello :) Sorry, I keep forgetting to check this thread.

I am doing okay. still no wailing, and I totally utterly agree with how you described your emotions lynniep Dad wasn't the same man - well he was mentally (albeit a bit more frustrated) but physically he was in very poor form. His physical ability (he was an incredibly fit strong man) left him very quickly after he was admitted to hospital. He had been talking about having one of those scooter things to get around town on. When i drove past someone on one the other day I cried, through sheer relief that my lovely strong dad never ended up so disabled.

ponyo I think for memories, losing someone quickly is almost a lovely way for them to go - they had no suffering, no worry, no deterioration and the fear of an uncertain future, and they knew nothing (probably) of it. But I think for the family it must be harder. You sound so very strong.

I cried a LOT knowing dad was dying, knowing he was unlikely to get better, and through the sheer injustice of it all. He was one of lifes GOOD guys FFS. He never drank, never raised his voice (or hand), rarely got angry, took everyone at face value, and just enjoyed life. He worked 7 days pr week until he got ill. He should have enjoyed his retirement without the threat of cancer hanging over him :(

Anyway, enough of my rants. I am just feeling a bit raw today. My sis is pg with her first baby and I was planning on telling her that I was 3 weeks behind her in the pg stakes today (with baby due on her 30th birthday ) but this morning i started bleeding :( I really really cannot cope with losing this baby right now :(

Hi windmill oh no, am keeping fingers crossed for you that the bleeding is nothing and you continue with this pregnancy problem free. Its just another thing to worry about when you have enough on your mind already :( Are you going to ring docs tomo? Good luck whatever happens, and let us know if you can.

My dad was also one of lifes good guys, except he was a drinker and smoker but worked all his life and was newly retired too. But boy was he a fantastic dad, I find some comfort in thinking how lucky I am to have had him for all of my childhood and beyond (but it feels v unfair that dd has missed out).

Thank you for saying that I sound strong, I don't feel it but maybe I am, as are you. Suppose we have to be. I'm still having the split second feelings of "ooh, havn't spoken to dad in a while, better ring/text him" before I remember which is hard.

Anyway sending you some un-mnetty hugs and look after yourself

I do realise this thread is over seven years old but I was so relieved to find it. I have just lost my lovely Mum who had been ill off and on for years and I feel (or to be precise not-feel) the same.
When I lost my treasured FIL I cried every day for six months and I'd expected similar when I lost Mum but . Nope. Couple of brief and somehow inadequate cries the day after and since then I've been sorting undertakers, registering the death, closing off accounts, planting up her grave all as if it were a distant relative who passed away ten years ago and not my own mother who died in my arms last week. Dry eyes and efficient.
I have actually booked some counselling through work and feel a bit of a fraud because my problem is I am too good a shape emotionally, but I am really weirded out by this. I've managed to grieve everyone else normally so WTAF? I hate this, I want to feel normal AND SAD.

Mumsnet has been a godsend in the past month. Similar circumstances to everyone on this thread. I was with my Mum during end of life care. It was traumatic, not the Hollywood movies, but however bad it was at times I'm so glad I was there for Mum. I miss her so much but also starting grieving a long time ago when her health started failing her. These threads help you realise your experiences and reactions are normal.