My perfect dad died, and yet I am fine

[windmillpond]

I know this will sound odd.

Dad had been in hospital for the past 10 weeks or so. He had terminal lung cancer, but it wasn't that that had him in hospital, it was the constant infections he kept getting. We knew he would die at some point soon, though kept getting mixed messages from the consultants depending on the day they saw dad.

Dad was a physicaly strong man in his late 60's.

He died of one of those infections 10 days ago. I was with him when he died. It was so utterly awful to watch, and for the past couple of days of his illness I had been willing him to go.

I have moments when I am overwhelmed with grief for him, particularly when I look for him to take my side in a squabble I am having with mum :(

I expected to break down during his funeral, but didnt.

I am now supporting my mum, and getting on with my life. I do feel sad, and some moments it is a crushing, all consuming sadness, but generally I feel ok.

why is this? I LOVED my dad. he was the best dad i could ever have wanted. I told him as such whilst he was in hospital.

why am i not wracked with grief and wailing?

I am so sorry :(

You may still be in shock. Be prepared for the onslaught and don't be afraid to let it go.

It sounds like you are in 'coping mode' at the moment as you are supporting your mum. Be prepared for it to come at some point and let it come too, don't bottle up your grief because you need to be strong for your mum/family/whoever.

I am so sorry

Everyone grieves in a different way. You might still be in shock or maybe you had already started to grieve when you saw how ill your Dad was. It may be a comfort to know he is not ill anymore. It isn't about how you think you should be feeling. I am so sorry, my Dad is the same age. Remember to leave some time and love for yourself. If it is really bothering you, go to the doctor and ask for some bereavement counselling.

I felt like this when my Mum died.

Of course I cried - especially when I first heard (she was on holiday with a friend when she died) - and I cried at her funeral and got teary at other times. But I was more or less OK. I wasn't consumed with grief. I coped better than I ever thought I would.

I often felt guilty that I just wasn't "sad enough".

Grieving is so personal though - you are no less sad than someone who wails. They are no more sad than you.

As Clowns said, it could be that you're in shock. It could be that you had time to prepare yourself during the time he was in hospital. I imagine it's a huge comfort that you had time to tell him how much you loved him - the worst thing about my Mum going so unexpectedly was that I didn't have a chance to tell her all the things I wish I had five more minutes to tell her now.

You will more than likely have your moments in the future. In some ways it's harder now than when Mum first died - I miss her more, just because it's getting longer and longer since I saw her last.

Sorry for your loss xx

I,had this with my gran, I was so glad the suffering was over. But delayed shock maybe too.

Sorry for your loss xx

My dad died 2.5 years ago from cancer, after helping to nurse him for 6 months it was a relief when he died and I felt a bit like you describe. 6 months later it hit me like a ton of bricks and I grieved for almost a year. Give yourself time xxx

It doesn't sound odd - I didn't cry when my dad died either and I was very close to him - or at any time since. I did have a few good bawls when he was in hospital though - and so obviously unhappy and confused. When they rang me and told me he'd died I was just pleased he was finally at peace.

there is no 'right way' to grieve - you may never be wracked with grief, or it might hit you suddenly - one of my friends finally fell apart when their family dog died as her dad and the dog had adored each other so it was a real link to him. Some people were a bit that she cried more for the dog than her dad - but we knew it had just unlocked her grief for her dad.

Thank you for responding. I think I am in shock, and in coping mode, but even when I am just walking along with my daughter, and she is asking questions about it all (she is 4) I do not feel that desperate sadness that I felt when he was dying.

Maybe that desperate sadness was fear? Maybe it was genuine sorrow? I don't know. I just feel a bit phony.

i have lost four grandparents (i know its not the same) and they affected me all differently

go with how you feel - you can't make yourself feel any different

be kind to yourself x

Your relationship with your dad was unique and your grieving for your dad is unique too. Be kind to yourself - it is what it is.

I lost my dad 6 years ago and my sadness at his loss overwhelms me at the most peculiar times. Most of the time however, I remember how much I adored him and how lucky I am that I had him.

Xx

I think when you know you are going to lose someone the grieving starts when you find out rather than when they actually pass.

Look after yourself, one day at a time. x

You may be in shock or you may have already done a lot of your grieving. You loved him and he knew it and that's all that matters.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I was thinking about this the other day. When my Dad died, just over 3 years ago, I felt almost on a high - I had faced almost my biggest fear, watched my wonderful Dad die, yet I survived and coped.

It took 6 weeks for it to hit me, and it did hit me hard. It felt almost like flu. I couldn't get out of bed.

I think you have to take it one day at a time. Grief is a funny thing, as it does sweep over you in waves.

Remember, you can get bereavement counselling on the NHS, and I found it invaluable.

Wishing you well. X

So sorry for your loss. You will probably find it hits you at a completely unexpected time. I had to be strong for my mother when my father died (liver cancer start to finish in under 6 months). I coped and I was strong. For years. 7 years after he died my son was born and it completely hit me how much I missed him and how heartbroken I was that he would never get to meet his grandson. Several years later there are still things that catch me.

There is no 'right' way to grieve. It's absolutely individual and variable. You had time to tell your dad you loved him and you had the opportunity to hope that he would be released from suffering. Both those things will mitigate against you feeling anger and a sense of missed opportunity. For some people grieving that isn't the case and the grief is all the more bitter because of those feelings.
I think you are wracked with grief actually, but it looks differently from how you'd expect. Be gentle to yourself.

Your post really struck home to me, i was very much the same, I felt totally detached from it all when my dad passed away. He had been ill for a long time and i was relieved when it was over for him. I never really did the heart rending greiving that i expected to do, but just like Isaidhangonamin i can be overwhelmed by sadness at times, and others i just feel blessed that I had such a wonderful father.

I felt reasonably OK when my grandmother died. I was shocked at myself as I had lived with my Nana both as a small child and as a student and I loved her dearly. I was very upset when my Dad died.
Then my baby dd died which was obviously dreadful, and a few weeks after her death, suddenly I got all these feelings of grief for my Nana and also for my Dad. I was hoping they were both there to look after dd but in thinking about my Nana, possibly looking after my dd, I suddenly remembered what it was like to be looked after by her. I remembered lying in her arms as a toddler and her singing to me and I realised how much I missed her. Possibly had suppressed those feelings at the time she had died. But I do hope she is looking after my dd and teaching her to bake the best currant scones ever!

Windmillpond you sound like a very strong person and you have also got a 4 year old to look after, so it all sounds very normal.

When my mum died it was often only when I knew I didn't have work the next day or anything on that I really let the tears out - but I did have feelings of awful loss and grief like you described.
It doesn't sound odd - you are coping with life at the moment. So sorry for your loss.

I am very sorry for your loss.
Grief is different for every person, everytime.
You may find a random event or smell or something someone says that reminds you of your dad may start you crying all of a sudden and you might feel like you can't stop crying then.
Or you might not. You may just be coping with your loss in this way and that's fine too.
Its not the mumsnet thing to do but I am sending a hug.

"I was thinking about this the other day. When my Dad died, just over 3 years ago, I felt almost on a high - I had faced almost my biggest fear, watched my wonderful Dad die, yet I survived and coped."

That is exactly what I felt too, the worst thing imaginable had happened and I was coping. But as sitting said, the grief arrived soon after. Maybe you are completely numb at the moment; dont be surprised if your emotions take a sudden dive. That said, its an individual journey and there is no right or wrong way to feel. You take care x

My brother died of lung cancer a few years ago and l was with him throughout his awful last few weeks in hospital and when he died (He was single with no children or significant other at time. Like you say it is not pretty to watch - heartbreaking in fact. When he died l was almost euphoric with relief and l remember feeling so happy for him that it was all over.

In fact my DH and l went to a cafe and had a full English breakfast and l ate every bit after we left the hospital.
My DH later told me he was actually very worried about me as he predicted it would all have to come out at some point.

Then the guilt kicked in some weeks later for feeling so 'ok' about it - quickly followed by the grief and overwhelming all consuming sadness.

Dont beat yourself up about this. It's because you loved your dad so unselfishly that your main concern was for him to be free from pain and suffering. I dont think you really think about your own loss till later.

Take care and l am very sorry for your loss.

thank you all. I think you are exactly right. I cried and cried about the fact that I wasn't able to sit with dad whilst he died, and how guilty I felt (even though he had said he didn't care what we did, he felt loved and that was enough for him). But then my sister sat with him, and I couldnt leave her there alone. so I stayed too. And I did it. I faced my fear. And yes I was scared, terrified in fact, but I did it. And I survived. And dad is no longer in pain, upset, despondent or agitated (an emotion i never even knew he possessed)

I don't want the grief to come. I am now scared of breaking down I have a business and a family to run. make it go away.....

i wish i could windmill, i really do - but it will be ok, you had a wonderful dad who made you a lovely caring and strong person, he lives on in your family and will always be with you.

Grief is a wierd thing, my dad died last May on a tuesday and we were due to go to a friends 40th fancy dress party on the saturday. I felt fine got dressed up went to party and came home an hour later bawling like a baby (felt so stupid). But then due to daft bank holidays and my stepmum dying 2 days before him we were unable to hold their funeral for 3 weeks. It was on the monday and we went on super swanky (dh work related) trip to monaco on the friday, and I was completely fine didnt shed a tear and knew that he would have wanted me to go and enjoy it. Its still very fresh for you and I found it much easier to cope when there was lots to do, funeral, estate etc but when I had less to do and things were getting back to 'normal' it did hit me as I started to miss him (them). However as many have said when its not a great shock and youve had a chance to say goodbye and with an illness like cancer where suffering seems inevitable to an extent, there is naturally a feeling of peace and relief that they are no longer in pain, and you are not watching that suffering. You will cope, and I doubt your family or business will suffer too much. Be kind to yourself xx

My God Windmillpond, I could have written your post word for word this morning.

So sorry for your loss.

I feel exactly the same as you, generally I'm fine, and I feel a bit heartless.

Somedays I get a moment of the 'breath knocked out of you feeling' when it kind of hits you.

So confused.

Hope you are ok, x.