Suicide of close friend

[lesley33]

A close friend killed herself suddenly and unexpectedly. I have had bereavements before, but this does feel different. i was just interested in chatting to anyone who has also lost someone through suicide?

BTW I know there are rl support groups for peopel affected by suicide, but they seem to be set up for relatives rather than friends. And that is why I am posting here.

Thank you.

I am so sorry for your loss, and the shock and disbelief you must be feeling at this stage.
Your grief is just as valid as that of her family. My sister was a vet, and she killed herself 13 years ago, and I know the effect it had on her friends, colleagues and clients. It was totally unexpected, although she had been going through the break up of a relationship. It did help us her family to spend time with her friends and colleagues and share their memories of her. The photos they gave us, and poems that were written for her did help too. My close friends who knew her were a great support to me at the time, and i found out later just how hard it was for them too.
Suicide is so hard to understand because it such a waste, and we were left feeling that we should have done something differently.
I found the group Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide helpful (www.uk-sobs.org.uk) They have a telephone helpline and local groups.
Keep talking to us on here if it helps.

Thank you GRW - especially for responding so quickly. My friend killed herself 11 months ago. She had had 2 periods of depression before - but both were related to real life difficult things. Once when her mother died and once as she began to realise the impact her partner's parkinson was going to have as her partner began to get iller.

This time there was nothing that any of us were aware of. I found out afterwards that she had said to her partner, who she didn't live with, the day before that she was struggling. She contacted the GP and because of her previous history of depression they sent a CPN out to see her. The CPN said at the inquest that she seemed anxious but fairly okay and the only issue she raised was about a small repair job that needed doing in her house.

So when she killed herself the next day it was a total shock to everyone. Of course we will never ever know why and have had to try and accept this. But I am still struggling with this. I am also dreading the anniversary of her death.

lesley I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I've been through it twice unfortunately. In 2001 my close friend killed himself and just before Christmas I lost another friend too.

With the first one it took me a long time to get my head round it. You have so many questions that you will never get answers to and I think that is one of the hardest things to bear. Eventually I came to an acceptance that he was at peace now, and I took myself off to the beach (somewhere we spent a lot of time together) and talked out to him and let the waves carry it all away.

The most recent one was (in some ways) easier for me to cope with, but I think because I've had to go through the process before. What I have found is that I've spent time with others in this close social circle with a feeling of - i don't know how to describe it - I'm watching these people go through the raw emotion and disbelief that I went through in 2001.
I don't mean to sound like this recent death didn't devastate me - it did - but that I expected all of the feelings and thoughts I would have.
The pain, the bewilderment of 'why', the frustration of never getting an answer to that question, the anger at them doing it (i found this the hardest emotion of all, and am reassuring my friends going through it now that it is normal to feel that).
I miss them both very much still. The most recent loss will reverberate through this summer strongly as we're a group who spend a lot of the summer together. We have a whole summer of firsts to come without this person there.

I have to go now (DS pestering me now) but will be back if you want to talk more.

Thank you for your kind replies, and I am so sorry you have been through this too. It is very hard.

Yes I was very angry with her for a long time. And I still get flashes of that. But mostly that has gone. What is left is much more the bewilderment. Knowing that I will never know why she killed herself; why she didn't reach out, even when exactly she died. I live just a few streets away from her so she could have easily come round to my house or phoned me and I would have been straight there. I know I need to come to terms with never knowing this stuff, but it is a real struggle.

I also hate the thought that her last time on earth was spent in mental anguish and alone. Thank you for listening.

I was thinking of starting a thread and felt a bit bad that what I am experiencing right now is not "as bad" as the losses other people have had in this section. I know nobody would mind really but I am more comfortable piggybacking on this thread, I hope that is ok.

I found out today that M, one of my oldest friends killed himself on Monday. We met at university 14 and a half years ago. We were part of a group of friends. Later that group split in its reaction to something wrong that M did. I stayed in contact with him and with the others but we were never all together again. M appreciated me sticking by him and later told me some things from his life that went part-way to explain how he ended up going down a bad road.

Seven years ago M introduced me to my DP. They had known each other as children and got back in touch. DP and I have been together ever since so we will always have M to thank for that.

M's past followed him around a bit but a few years ago he found a city where he felt at home and found a good bunch of friends who understood him and cherished him, I think. DP and I visited and had a lovely day and night with M almost 2 years ago and that's the last time we saw each other.

Today I saw a "RIP mate" on a photo of M on Facebook. I have an account for my daughter's photos for the GPs because we live abroad but am not "on FB" as myself so took a couple of minutes to process what I was seeing.

Apart from DP there is only one other friend from the old group that I can talk to about M. We talked very briefly this morning, he was at work and we were both still in shock.

I feel very isolated both because of being abroad and because of the awkwardness in talking about M to most of my old friends. I also feel regret at not being in touch much recently, but at the same time I don't want to moan about my guilt, it's trite to say "if only I'd been a better friend" and it's not about me. DP had floated the idea with M of meeting up when we are visiting family at Easter and I was hoping that would work out, but I didn't get in touch directly myself to say so. I am sad that I will never be able to speak to him again but I cannot wish the autonomy away from him that he finally decisively seized.

M posted a message indicating that he was setting out on a great adventure. As everlong says above, I know there will be some questions left unanswered and that is hard. One of the things I valued about M was that he was a person who thought deeply about life and I am sure he thought deeply about death before taking this step. I wish I knew what those thoughts were.

Can I ask anyone who is on this thread or who reads it, did you go through the stages of grief that you hear about - denial, anger etc leading to acceptance? Do you think this process is different when you are bereaved by suicide?

secondrow I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Yes I went through all the stages of grief. For me personally the first time the anger stage lingered much longer than any other grieving process I have been through though (and i've lost very close relatives and friends in my peer group to either illness or old age).
I think the process is different when you are bereaved by suicide because you will always have that question in your mind of 'could I have done more' - though I have come to accept that I could not.

With my first friend, we had lost touch for a little while as he moved and gave me no forwarding details. I eventually got his number the week before he died. Every night I meant to phone him and every night something came up....and of course all those somethings seemed so stupid, trivial and thoughtless after his death. I tortured myself with the question of whether my phoning him would have made a difference but then I found that several of our circle (by then spread far and wide) had spoken to him in the weeks and even immediate days before his death. I had to accept that he had made his decision and would not have been swayed from it. He'd attempted suicide once before, but that time had obvious issues in his life that led to the attempt and he even made a call after he took the tablets. He was vague but our friend knew something was up and was able to alert his parents. The time he succeeded he had arranged his days so that he would not be discovered and chose a method he could not back out from

Come back to this thread to talk if it helps. With my most recent loss there is a large friendship group and we talk a lot about our friend. It does help to be able to say out loud how you are feeling and be reassured that it is normal.

My DH lost his father to suicide many years ago and it still affects him deeply so I'm now seeing at much closer quarters the impact of losing a relative this way. Our recent loss brought up difficult feelings for us both, and it so awful that I lost my friend all those years ago but it has enabled me to support my husband in a way I don't think I could have otherwise.

Thank you, queenrollo. I read your response the other day but have been pondering not posting. There are some similarities between your first friend and mine.

I knew that M had also attempted suicide once before, and also that he had ongoing health issues. We are slowly finding out a bit more now about what was going on in his life leading up to his death and I think that his health had deteriorated further than I knew, and that is partly why he decided to take matters into his own hands. This is comforting in a strange way because it is a kind of concrete reason to cling to why he left us.

But, he had been telling my DP just recently that he was looking forward to meeting our daughter for the first time and was going to try and meet up with us in just a couple of weeks... so yes I am wondering whether to think he never really meant that, or he meant it at the time but then revised his plans based on a poor prognosis, or what.

I had a good chat last night with the one other friend I can talk to about M and it really helped. Now planning logistics to get over to the funeral and trying to think what to say to his family. What on earth can you say.

I saw the sister of my second friend today. We talked about her brother. She was happy to. She says it's actually comforting when she meets people who aren't afraid to broach the subject of what happened and how the family are coping.

everlong I remember your thread from when you lost your son. I can't remember if I posted on it but I did follow it.
I spent hours on the phone to the mother of my first friend in the weeks after his death. I've never met her - but she eventually said I was the only one of his friends who seemed willing and able to listen to her, and that it was a great help to her.

Hi lesley DH's brother killed himself last year - a total shock to everyone. Obviously it was absolutely devastating for family, so hard to know how to feel.
But it was his friends who I felt so sorry for, he had spent the previous night having a few drinks at their house, and had apparently been having a brilliant night - was really happy, joking around etc. It was his birthday the next day, so they were celebrating that too; only he never went home that night. He went straight for his friends' house, where he had a brilliant night, to the place where he killed himself.
In some ways, his friends felt guilty maybe? Of course in actual fact, they had absolutely nothing to do with it, and it has brought peace to the family knowing that he spent his final hours with good friends and having a good time.
One thing that we've found nice is having friends talk about DBIL, rather than never talking about him (his family find it very very hard to talk about him) its nice to remember memories and all the good times.
So sorry for your loss, its such a hard thing to go through :(

i am so sorry for your loss - my dh committed suicide april 2011 so coming up for a year :(

i would say i have been through most stages of grief apart from anger - i have never felt anger - mainly coz i know how unhappy dh was at times and now i have to believe he is at peace - so i cant feel anger at him

i have been seeing a fab counsellor - i do feel guilt - big time :( as in could i have done more and tbh i know deep down i couldnt have as i was 100% there for him, but he was happy that day but something tipped him over the ende and i will never know what

i personally found sobs depressing - none of the people there were surviving imho - many couldnt get to grips with what their loved ones did

i am surviving and getting on with my life - trust me it is so hard, but what you have to reliese and until you do, you wont be able to 'move on' if thats the right words, but that our loved ones CHOSE to die and however hard it is to understand this at times, we have to respect their decision and they had to go

I am sorry to hear all these stories. My h killed himself just before Christmas 2009. We had been separated for 4 years with one ds aged 5 at the time.

He suffered from depression and in the end I had to leave to stop myself sliding into depression.
He had attempted suicide before he met me and during our marriage so it wasn't entirely unexpected but was a huge shock. I found him when i took our son over for a visit :(
I have to admit to feeling a lot of anger. How could he do that to his son? My h was adopted and couldn't come to terms with being abandoned by his mother as he saw it. He has done exactly the same thing to his son by leaving him. I worry that my son will be affected by this for his whole life.
He also left me with a huge amount of practicalities to sort out which will continue to make my life difficult until my son turns 16

Thank you for sharing your experiences, casa, Blondes and Kate. It is bad enough with my friend, I can't imagine how I would cope with losing my DP. You are all doing so well to, as you say, survive.

I was at my friend's funeral on Monday. It was so good to see his family and many many friends I hadn't met before, all sharing what we had in common about why we loved M. Everyone is still only piecing together what they know about what led up to his decision.

Blondes - "our loved ones CHOSE to die and however hard it is to understand this at times, we have to respect their decision and they had to go" - this is exactly it with my friend. Thanks for expressing that. I know he must have felt this is what had to happen, and for whatever reason it had to be now, too. Any wishing he hadn't done it would actually be selfish on my part.

everlong so sorry - your beautiful 20 year old boy. My friends mother said something along the lines that they were not celebrating his life at the funeral because it had been too short (older than your son, but still a short life). I need to try and keep in touch with his family now, after the funeral, I would hate for them to feel isolated by that taboo.

death by suicide is different imho as it was their choice - unlike a car accident/illness/heart attack etc

my dh suffered from depression - had many dark days, but also happy days but last march/april he was on what i would call an up - his business was doing well ( was se), we had booked a holiday for june, he had brought new trainers 2 days before for our holiday

but for whatever reason he felt it was his time to die - it breaks my heart that he chose to die, but on the other hand it was his choice and as i said till you accept that, you will NEVER be able to move on and accept what our loved ones did

i believe in the 'other' world as in spirits, tho mark thought it was a pile of crap - yet i have seen 3 mediums over the past 11mths and all 3 he appeared to me - have described mark to me, told me his name, things that only he/i could have known/ jewellery that i wear/yellow flowers planted

all said they saw deep dark blackness (depression) but that had gone - that he was happy and as i loved him so much if that was his only way to be happy then i have accepted this

also to be blunt, the way he killed his self meant he meant to do it - he hung his self from our loft and i found him :( he left a note and that method as told to me via doctor/counsellor /coroner was quick and cant be saved (unlike those who slit their wrists and take tablets - these are cries for help)

if you want to die,you hang yourself

i am sorry if what i have written offends, it is meant to help xx