She was more than a wife; she was my mum

[golemmings]

I'm struggling a bit and I don't know quite where to start. My mum died last November. She'd been ill for many many years and my dad was her primary carer.

4 months on, I'm finding it hard that my friends keep asking how my dad is. I know he's lost his wife; his soul mate but I lost my mum and I can't help thinking that that is quite significant too.

Dad once acknowledged that I had lost my mum and would be feeling sad but since then has had a head injury and is really struggling. He's a bit confused, keeps forgetting things and is finding it hard to focus on anything. I think its mostly grief and a result of the head injury rather than dementia and I expect the former to get better in time but I have no idea whether there might be any lasting damage from the head injury- and he's quite confused about it and just shuts down in the face of anything medical so I can't get any sensible answers out of him. When I phone him/see him he remembers to ask about his grandchildren and my dh but doesn't ask about me and can't really engage if I tell him about things I'm doing. I don't know whether he is focussed on the fact that its stuff I would have talked to mum about and therefore finds it hard.

I know he is grieving and I really don't expect much from him but at the same time I do feel that my own grief has been sidelined and I have just been expected to move on and get on with things. I have 2 small dcs; ds was only 5 weeks when mum died. I just really need my mum to tell me how to manage my dad and I want somebody to give me a hug and tell me that it will be OK but somehow in the last 5 months my friends seem to have evaporated and I don't feel as though there is anyone really that I can talk to. DH expects me to have got over it by now too; he looks mildly surprised when I randomly burst into tears or shout at him for no good reason.

When does it start to get better?

Golemmings I am so sorry for your loss.
4 months is no time at all...my dad died nearly five months ago and random tears are a frequent occurrence!

Do you have any siblings that you are able to talk with? Although I know that might not be appropriate if they are struggling too.

I wonder if you might benefit from Bereavement Counselling.....a safe place where you can talk about your mum and your feelings.
I have an assessment with Cruse next week...I have heard both good and bad things about them but I'll see. In a very desperate hour I went to see the Samaritans. They were kind, made me a cuppa and above all listened.

I don't know when it starts to get better but I'm assured it does. I talk to my dad every day....it helps me.
I hope your dad's health improves. Is there any organisation that your GP could put you in touch with for people with head injuries?

I have a very good book called Relative Grief by Clare Jenkins and Judy Merry. t a book of accounts from people who have all lost someone. It helped me when I lost my mum....it helped me identify with some of the feelings I was struggling with.

Meanwhile, there is tremendous support to be had here so keep posting.

Be kind to yourself and sending you strength....and a hug x

golemmings, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mum and in a way, the fact that you are looking after your father must make you feel parentless at the moment which is a scary place to be.
I remember when my Dad died, I talked to my uncle, who had lost his wife a few years before. When I said how much Dad's death had affected me, he said that it was much more devastating to lose your life partner as they were usually beside you or near you every single day. That may be true but it doesn't take away from the fact that losing a parent is like having a rug pulled from under you, someone who was there from the day you were born is gone.
Do you have a best friend that you could call and just honestly say "You know, I know it's a few months on but I really still miss Mum and need to vent"
If not, do come on here. We are here to sympathise, even if it is from a distance!