16 month old at funeral - WWYD?

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DFIL died suddenly last week. Funeral is mid week, where they lived which is 4 hours away from us.

Initially DH said he wanted DS (16 mo) to be there but on thinking about it and discussing with family, felt it wouldn't be appropriate - totally fine, obviously up to them and I have no problem with this. DH would like me to be there to support him. DH is down with his mum already. Latest plan was for DS and I to travel down late tomorrow night, me go to funeral and have family friend look after ds - also fine.

Now DH saying doesn't want DS to be there at all - too disruptive at night, too noisy etc - so saying 'can I find someone to leave ds with for the day and just go down and back myself'

And I really can't make that work. My parents are working and there isn't anyone I would be happy to leave ds with for 12 hours+ - most friends have jobs/own kids etc.

So now DH saying maybe I shouldn't come either and just stay with ds. Do really want to be there for him. Any suggestions? Sorry so long

If it was a sudden death your DH is going to be all over the place, and not acting particularly rationally. My father died very suddenly and I was a bit insane in the first few weeks. You just need to go with it. Even if you had someone to leave DS with, I quite see that 4 hour trip, a funeral and then a 4 hour trip back is a huge ask and you're right to dismiss it.

So just gently and calmly spell it out - DH's options are a) you there to support him and DS with the friend and b) you and DS at home. Maybe point out that the rest of the family might take some comfort from DS being around. But then go with whatever he says - don't push it.

Could you suggest to him that his mum might find the presence of her grandchild a comfort and a distraction?

we took my DS then 17 months to BIL funeral, got a friend to walk him round crematoriam whilst service was on. He was a wonderful distraction and lightened the day for everyone

Thanks for the quick replies.

Agree, don't think he is being particularly rational ATM which is obv fair enough.

Will have a chat tonight and see what he would prefer- think you are right and it might help family if ds was there maybe after service.

Appreciate the help

I have no suggestions, really.

When my baby daughter was buried, my older daughter was 16 months too.

I thought long & hard about letting her attend her sister's funeral, but we left her at home in the end. We were too upset & the stress of worrying about DD1, whilst burying our other DD was too much. So we left her with my brother.

I'm sad that my brother wasn't there at his neice's funeral (especially as we get on so well), but in a way his job of looking after DD1 was more important.

It's hard to know what to suggest. As FIL is older then maybe DS would cheer up the others; DD2 was so young, so having DD1 there would not have cheered us up.

It depends how upset everyone is. A 16 month old may make some noise which would be inappropriate for those who are grieving hard.

When my nan was cremated, my DSIS left her DS with her MIL, then picked him up for the wake. So maybe if you don't attend the service with DS, you could go afterwards?

My db took his little one to a recent funeral and it was fine - just sit on the end of a row so that you can leave if he gets too fidgety.

I agree that being with them can be comforting and a bit of a distraction.

When my sister died my DS was 16 months old. I travelled alone with him from Ireland to the UK and then on to the funeral. Although I could have sat up front, I sat with him at the back so any noises wouldn't disturb anyone else. Later on he seem to be a needed distraction to other family members. I think think people appreciated that I had gone through hoops to be there; it was a trek.

Could you travel there and back in the day with DC? If you can time journies with naps it will help, that how I managed it.