looking after bereaved children this weekend - what do I say to them?

[serpentina]

Dh and I are looking after his brothers kids this weekend - their father died last week. His girlfriend is lovely but is finding it hard to cope and their future is uncertain (their mother lost custody, was an unfit parent so they won't go back to her)

I don't know whether to keep them busy or just let them chill. We have kids the same age, 10 & 12. Really need some advice on how to make it as easy on them as possible. I don't know the kids all that well, we used to see them a couple of times a year.

poor kids

maybe tell them when they arrive that anything they feel like doing is ok? if they want to talk that's fine, but but if they don't that's fine too

have you talked to your kids about their cousins coming?

What a sad situation :( I would say let them lead it, as Ponders has said. What ever they want to do, whether thats go out and do something or just slob on the sofa in their pj's. Right now, what ever they want/feel is normal. Let them know that it s ok to feel sad and ok to cry. Or not. It doesn't matter either way

:( good luck

the kids know that their cousins are coming, so far I've just said that it's ok to talk to them about it, not to avoid the subject if they want to talk. But I really don't know what I'm doing, don't know how to treat them

I imagine they are still in shock if it was a shock, probably not completely sunk in if only a week ago. This is a really hazy time. You may want to let them share a room with each other (rather than your kids). Some well timed hugs too. I know physical touch and affection helps. Don't give them too many open ended choices, but allow them to say 'no' to your ideas. It's hard to even think about what you want for breakfast, let alone what you want to do all day when you are dealing with something like that.

I lost my own dad a month after my 11th birthday.

I hated it when adults went on and on about it and asked things about how I felt. I was in shock and not ready to examine my feelings. Sadness came out in strange ways: I was sent to stay with family friends for a few days and I enjoyed playing with their kids, I guess as if nothing had happened. When the friend's
Mum showed me the dress I was to wear to the funeral I burst into tears because I hated that dress and didn't want to wear it. I didn't really; I hated that I was going to my dad's funeral I think. Inappropriately placed grief and emotions I think is what I'm trying to get across. I hated the church the funeral was held in and to this day I cry if I go there to mass.

What made me feel good was hearing people reminisce about what a great guy he was (around the time of his funeral when lots of people were around).

So, not sure if my very stilted recounting is of any use to you, but my advice would be to tell them how very sorry you are, that you loved their dad, he was a great guy and will be missed, and that you're there for them. Leave the ball in their court for anything else, and expect inappropriate/misplaced emotional outbursts.

If I can be of any help, let me know. There's a lot more to losing a parent than people think.

thanks guys, this is all incredibly helpful. I guess the kids would rather talk to other kids about it? but I'll probably be the one comforting them if they cry.

Dh wants to keep them on a rollercoaster of activity (swimming, ice-skating etc) but I'm not so sure.

you might find that nothing comes out at this point...

my mother died when my little brother was 8 (I was grown up, near enough). He coped at the time & was quite detached - his feelings came out later.

But that was 40 years ago when people still didn't talk much about this stuff - things are better now. I think what NotinGuatemala says about talking about their dad, & how you feel about him, is good - that gives them an opening to talk if they want to

I can understand why your DH wants to keep them busy but make sure they know they can choose whether to do those things or not (he must be fairly distraught himself at losing his brother)

for all of you

Winston's Wish are great for age appropriate support for bereaved children. They will be able to help you, and it might be good to give the children a contact for them too. There is a website, and a helpline as well.
Hope you are able to find a way through with them.

How awful for the children, not only to lose their dad, but to not know where they'll live. My heart goes out to them.

I hope this isn't out of line to ask but I wonder if your DH's need to keep busy is because it will impact harder on him to see his Dbro's DC's. A greater reminder to him of his own grief.

I think NotIn said it all about children's grief being different and a slower process. Your DH is raw now whereas the children will take longer.

NotIn I am sorry you were bereaved, and at such a young age

I agree take it from the children. And it's possible both the children may be at different stages of grief so what works for one may not for the other.

serpent I am so very sorry for your families bereavement, and my thoughts will be with you this weekend. You sound very caring and I'm sure when the children are with you you'll be able to care for them how they need it at the time.

I hope your weekend with them went ok. So very sad for them and your DH losing his brother; what a tragedy.
Hope that you can have them again from time to time - or is there a chance that you may be taking them full time?