How to help my friend whose DH has just died

[redridingwolf]

My close friend's husband has been killed in an accident, leaving her with 4 children (the oldest is 8 and the youngest just a baby). It is a horrible, tragic situation and the family are obviously devastated.

She lives a long way from me, and I have small children so it is difficult for me to physically be there to help. I have thought of some things (see below) I can do, or rally others to do, but I would really appreciate suggestions that I may not have thought of.

I have thought of

• arranging for a mother's help for the next few months (and getting a group of friends together to pay for this) and am getting this sorted
• getting a delivery of good quality frozen family meals to stock their freezer (need to check freezer size)
• offering help with practical arrangements for the funeral
• help with sorting out finances (another better-qualified friend is going to do this)

It is just so sad, they are the most lovely family and he was a wonderful man, a really good husband and father. I really would appreciate your suggestions, thank you.

You sound like a lovely friend and when your friend looks back, she will remember how good you were at this dreadful time.
You sound like you have the practical things covered, the only other thing I would say is to keep phoning and texting so she knows you're there. My lovely SIL did this when my dd died and it was a huge help.

Red, I am so sorry to hear about your friend's husband. Such a tragic, tragic thing to happen. How are you coping? It must be a shock for you too.

You and your other friends sound amazing. And the things you are thinking about sound spot on. I know when my DH died, the things I needed most were not having to worry about childcare, general household stuff - cleaning, shopping, etc. So a mother's help to be there will I am sure be a huge help.

From experience, a lot of crap comes with death and most organisations seem to be appalling at making it as easy as possible for the bereaved, so any help your other friend can giving in helping through this would be really useful.

As you are quite far away from her, I suggest you call her sometimes - particularly in the evening, and just ask how she is. Listen to hear, just be there for her. Perhaps arrange to go and stay with her when the funeral is over. Sometimes the most difficult times aren't the immediate ones - the whole process will take over and force your friend to cope. It is often weeks and months afterwards that are the hardest and the horrific truth of the 'new normality' hits home.

There are oganisations that can help - Cruse is one and also Winston's Wish which helps specifically with children who have been bereaved.

Thank God for friends like you - you help get people through the most traumatic times.

Rinders I was just wondering, do you ladies who have lost a dh/dp have a special thread just for yourselves? I hadn't noticed one and if someone posts who has lost a dh I have nowhere specific to direct them. Just that we on the Bereaved Mums thread are all a great support to each other and I wonder if a special thread would be a good idea?

You know Chip, I don't think we do and I often think about starting one. Perhaps I might do that now

My friend has a very strong group of friends and it looks like everyone is jumping in to help now. Nobody lives nearby though, which is difficult. I think

It is very upsetting. He was such a lovely man and they were just a perfect family. It feels so wrong that he won't see his children grow up and they will miss out on everything he would have given them.

I think you are right, that it will be in the long term that help is especially needed, after all the initial flurry of things to be done.

Thank you for the Cruse/Winstons Wish links, I will pass those on to her. x

Redridingwolf, it sounds like your close friend's husband was my dear friend. As you say, he was a wonderful man on every level, and they are a wonderful family. It's heartbreaking. Since your post, you will have seen all that their amazing friends have been organising over the course of today including:

• setting up a rota of friends to help and support her and the children;
• setting up a trust fund for the children;
• having a friend take the role of the central point of communication for everyone, to take the burden off her;
• helping with the childcare.

It's going to be a very tough road ahead, but it's clear that they can count on some fantastic friends to help them along it.

what a lovely friend you are, sure that will help out a lot

as rinders said a lot of hassle we had was due to sorting out financial stuff whether mortgages/wills(if had one) and if they didnt then life gets much more complicated :(

banks and other companys are useless and drains you :( to sort out what should be simple stuff like taking names off bills etc

texting and calling help- tbh there were/are times i dont want to talk to anyone but a text to read and reply at own time is good

gosh, bikerider, I am taken aback. yes, it sounds like we are talking about the same person. He was much loved.