Mum died 10 years ago on Mothers Day

[busyhouseof8]

My Mum finally lost a horrible battle against ovarian cancer 10 years ago. She died on Mothers Day.

I now have three dc of my own, one of whom she never got to meet and the other two were pretty tiny when she died and have no memory of her. All she is to them is a photo on the wall.

My dc and dh always try to make a fuss of me on Mothers Day, and whilst I am truly grateful all I really want to do is go up to where mum is buried and have a chat with her. It's a distance away, so would take most of the day to get there and back. I feel under so much pressure to join in with the fun they want to bring to the day I usually end up stressed and miserable.

With the 10 year anniversary coming up, this year feels a bigger hurdle than ever. It's making me feel a bit panicky, which has really taken me by surprise. How can I keep the day special for the kids when I feel like this?

Hi, I'm really sorry but I don't have any ideas for you but just bumping this up as am sure there will be someone on here who can help.

Sorry to hear about your mum.

Thanks Singing.

Maybe everyone here just thinks I should pull myself together and get on with it, which is what I want to do but can't seem able.

Stupid thing is my mum believed that when you're dead, you're dead and there is no afterlife, so you best make sure you live the best life possible whilst you are here so people have a good memory of you. She would be very bemused at my wanting to visit her grave for a chat but it's what feels right for me.

Hi, really sorry to hear what happened :(

The only thing that occurs to me is that Mother's Day is a different actual date every year, so could you maybe try and 'move on' (and I really really don't mean that in a horrible way), by starting to commemerate your Mum on the actual date she passed away and then bring in a smaller ritual for yourself/your family on actual Mother's Day to help remember her as well?

Maybe for this year you could visit her grave on Mother's Day to help you let go of your desire to do it and let your DH know, and maybe celebrate Mother's Day with your DC the day before/weekend after to free up time for your family to celebrate you. It does also depend a bit on the ages of your DC and whether they'll understand to delay etc.

Busy, I'm sure no-one here thinks you should just get on with things, your feelings are valid. Going forward, is it possible to do as Mrscog suggests and remember your mum on the anniversary of her death but also do something on Mother's Day such as buy some flowers and light a candle at home?

I think it's the whole Mothers' Day thing that gets to me. Your idea about marking the day with a candle for mum is a good one, so I'll do that. I'm going to speak to dh about going to the cemetery on 10 March, which is the anniversary of her death.

Even 10 years on I still catch myself looking enviously at grandmothers attending school events. For ages I couldn't stand being in the doctors surgery as it was full of elderly people and my mum never go the chance to be old. Do other people feel like that or am I a horrible person?