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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

How to support my friend whose dh is critically ill in intensive care

20 replies

YellowDinosaur · 18/02/2012 22:29

Sorry if this is not the right place as my friend isn't actually bereaved but I thought some of you may have had experiences that could help...

My friends dh is currently critically ill in intensive care with pneumonia following a bone marrow transplant for leukaemia. She was told a couple of days ago that there was only a very small chance that he will make it :(

I feel totally helpless and would really welcome advice on what helped you if you have been in a similar situation and also what didn't.

I have offered to help with her son who is my ds1 best mate, called mutual friends to keep them informed (at her request) and offered to do practical stuff like food shopping. I have also been sending her texts to let her know that we are thinking of them and are here for her when she needs. I have a couple of times offered to come and Sit with her but she has family with her at the moment.

I know that doing the 'let me know if there is anything you need' is often too overwhelming as trying to think of things is not really possible in a situation like this. I am trying to strike a balance between letting her know I am there but not being so 'there' that I am a pain.

Any advice would be very welcome.

OP posts:

everlong · 18/02/2012 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabbadabbadingdong · 18/02/2012 23:21

Very sad news xx

You are right - asking someone 'let me know if there is anything I can do' is not helpful. When someone is in this situation they dont know what to do, they dont know what they want and they cant think beyond the next minute or so.

Childcare is a massive help....a home cooked meal, getting them basic food stuff - bread, milk etc. Ironing, cleaning....I suppose all practical stuff that will be the at the bottom of their list of things to do.

Also, and probably most important, a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.

Original poster

YellowDinosaur · 19/02/2012 10:02

Thankyou both for taking the time to post. I will probably see her at school tomorrow and in a way I think its easier in person to take it from her.

A home cooked meal is a great idea thanks for that. I'll short something out this week.

Thanks again x

OP posts:

everlong · 19/02/2012 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabbadabbadingdong · 19/02/2012 10:26

Forgot to say - plenty of hugs and please dont worry if she cries. Crying is a brilliant release of all those worries and fears. x

Original poster

YellowDinosaur · 19/02/2012 13:57

Thanks ladies. Really appreciate your input xxx

OP posts:

ilovesprouts · 20/02/2012 03:35

you sound like a lovely friend x

pippala · 20/02/2012 18:21

Poor you and your friend.
You are doing so well supporting her.
My BF DH passed after catching the chicken pox virus after his 6mths after his transplant.
He didn't make it after three days on life support.
We had the kids 7 & 5 whilst she was with him (Hammersmith Hosp) but encouraged her to let the kids see him ( which they didn't)
She needed the support more after about 3 months post funeral.
Kids are in late teens now and often feel bitter they didn't see their Dad to say goodbye.
Probably still harbor guilt that they had chicken pox!
Years later they still find it very difficult. Didn't progress at school although they were bright etc BF not had serious relationship since which would be good for her etc
Just be there for her and her family, she will need you.

Original poster

YellowDinosaur · 22/02/2012 23:47

Thanks again lovely ladies. Really appreciate all your tips and they will now be needed more than ever as I heard that he had sadly passed away this evening :(

sending good wishes to the lot of you lovely ladies for taking the time to share your experiences to help an internet stranger xxx

OP posts:

shabbadabbadingdong · 23/02/2012 01:59

Very sad news so sorry to hear this. Dont even know where to start now....I have lost two of my four sons....one as a 7 month old baby (twin) and DS3 was killed when he was 7 years old by a lorry driver. I have no idea why I have just told you that....no idea whatsoever. You will be needed now more than ever and you can help now more than ever xxxxx

GColdtimer · 25/02/2012 08:13

Just seen this. I was in a similar situation 4 years ago. I posted about it quite a lot. Slightly different as they didn't have dc but I found that helping her with practical stuff like finances, making sure she had food in (doing her shopping to start with was useful ad she couldn't face meeting people in the shops) m, cooking for her and just generally being there. And being there for the long term because so much help fades after the funeral. Remembering special days like his birthday, her/dc birthday, wedding anniversary is also supportive. And letting her talk about him as much as she likes.

So sorry she is going through this. You sound like a good friend.

accidentprawn · 25/02/2012 08:17

im so sorry to hear this. :( I lost my son when he was 3 after meningitis and it is the worst thing to ever happen to me.
She will need you now, more than she needed you before. You sound like a lovely lady.

Original poster

YellowDinosaur · 25/02/2012 08:39

Shabbadabadingdong and accidentprawn so so sorry to hear about the loss of your children. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you have been through xxx thanks so much for coming on here to share your experiences to try and help me it means so much.

Thanks as well twofalls for the advice.

I saw my friend last night. obviously she is very very sad but it was good to be able to talk about her dh, to cry together and to give her lots of hugs. I took her some homemade chicken soup, tissues, nytol, a card she can open when she is ready with info about cruse, winstons wish, way foundation and deceased preference service and a couple of books I bought for my boys about explaining death when they were full of questions a while ago. I offered practical help and she has taken me up on a couple of things.

Her ds is fine at the moment which is a weight off her mind. His dad had been in and out of hospital and not well when at home for a while so it may take longer for him I guess....

Funeral next thurs and her dad who has been staying with her will be leaving shortly after so I will make sure I think of her then as I would imagine that is when things will be really hard.

Thanks again to everyone who has contributed to this thread. You have made a real difference xxx

OP posts:

Riddo · 25/02/2012 09:00

I agree that meals are fab and childcare offers. You sound like a wonderful friend. My first DH died after an RTA and one of the kindest things my friends did for me was to protect me from other peoples' insensitivity and to just let me cry.

GColdtimer · 26/02/2012 20:01

Riddo, so sorry to her of your loss. I often felt a bit like a police escort. I couldn't make the journey for my friend but I could help keep her safe along the wAy.

You do sound like a good friend and I am sure you will do the right thing. Please feel free to pm me if you want to.

Riddo · 26/02/2012 20:18

Thank you twofalls. It was a long time ago now and I have 2nd DH and two lovely (most of the time) dcs.

Yellow - You are doing all the right things.

GColdtimer · 26/02/2012 20:22

Glad to hear that . My friend also has a baby and is getting married this year (you might have some thoughts on my other thread!)

Riddo · 26/02/2012 20:54

Have posted on other thread, if you mean the photos one.

Original poster

YellowDinosaur · 04/03/2012 20:23

I love your police escort analogy twofalls :). That I'd how I hope to be.

Funeral was just as my friend would have wanted although I will never forget her look of total devastation and grief as she followed her dh coffin up the aisle :(. Her dad left today and she has been here for tea with her ds and I am going to hers on wed evening.

I know that there are dark times to come but I will be there with her facing them together.

Thanks for all your support xxx

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 06/03/2012 04:19

Glad the funeral went well yellow. I walked down the ailse with my friend and I remember the terror and disbelief.

It will continue to be tough and I would say take your lead from her and continue to help practically.

Glad you liked my analogy. Pm me if you need to.

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