Parenting without parents of your own

[gettingquitedown]

Have name changed for this as I feel so pathetic to be feeling this way.

Basically I lost my parents 12 and 8 years ago in pretty traumatic circumstances (Dad to horrific cancer, Mum I declined continuing treatment for a sudden onset terminal condition) I have no siblings, grandparents etc, just a distant uncle.

I felt awful after dad died, but it gradually lessened over time and I'm pretty ok with talking about him now. When mum died I didn't really feel very much. We had a difficult relationship and I felt a bit guilty that I wasn't grieving for her, but couldn't do anything about it. I also had (and still do have) a lot of guilt about how she died.

Not long after mum died I got together with DP. We eventually got married and we had DD, now 2. Since DD was about 1 I've been really struggling with my mum's death and the fact that DD has no grandparents on my side. I get so upset at the thought that they never knew her and they will only be faces in photos to her. I was unable to return to work as i was struggling so much and couldnt cope with the thought of separation from my DD. I get really jealous at MIL's relationship with DD, although I'd never express this.

I find myself often on the verge of tears but I am prone to admonishing myself about this because I think I should have got over it by now. I feel weak and stupid to be feeling this way. I don't want to go on anti depressants as I took them briefly many years ago and ended up feeling suicidal (not suicidal at moment btw!)

Any advice? Am I completely barking? :)

Hello hunni. First off you are NOT completely barking!! Its completely natural to feel like you do, having your liiitle one has obviously triggered all your maternal feelings, this been the fact that its also brought to light the relationship you had with your mother. I too struggled with accepting that my children would never have a relationship with my parents (lost them both at 9) and became very jealous off the bond my MIL and FIL had with my children. I think you made need counselling so you can discuss how you really feel about your mothers death imparticular and the issues it has brought up since having your own child. Admitting you need a little help is not a weakness, its proves that you can be honest to yourself and are willing to overcome these minor set backs you are experinceing. You are already on the first step to help because you understand something isn't right.

Thanks for replying. I'm sorry to hear about your parents too.

I just feel like what I'm feeling is really unacceptable - Like I'm an adult and should be able to pull myself together and deal with this stuff. I'm not sure about counselling (although I do agree I need to do something) as I seem incapable of talking about it out loud to real people! I hate feeling out of control of my emotions too.

I feel the same. My parents died three years ago (almost to the day :() when DD wasn't even three. DS is one next week and I mourn ever new thing he does that I can't tell me parents about. I hate the fact that DD barely remembers my Mum and Dad and they never got to see how wonderfully she has grown up. I hate it, hate it, hate it!

But feel like a spoilt selfish brat for feeling that way.

You are not alone. Take care.

So sorry to hear about your parents too :( I understand what you mean about feeling sad when your DC does something new. Its something I've felt bad about because what kind of mother feels sad when her DC does something new? I didn't realise other people felt like that too.

We are going for the dating scan of DC2 on Monday and it's bringing up mixed emotions to say the least. Another child they won't know about. But how can I be sad about something that should be so happy?

Spoilt brat - yes, that's spot on how I feel.

Have you told DH how you feel. My DH totally gets what I mean (as much as he can) and knows that I still love his parents but miss mine. Speaking to him helps.

Take care of yourself and enjoy your scan - your parents will know. x

Thanks for the good wishes and kind words. They are much appreciated. My OH doesn't really "get" this sort of thing - having no personal experience of death and is very scientific and rational, but lovely nevertheless! Last mothers day for example, he had a lot of work to do at home so I had to strap DD in the car and go to the cemetery alone. He didn't understand why I wanted him to go with us. He's lovely but not especially helpful with emotional stuff, bless him!

Now I don't do the cemetary. I've been once and only because I was, "in the neighbourhood" attending another funeral. I found no comfort at all. Mum in particular didn't agree with visiting graves and they were cremated partly because of this.

I don't go very often - its way too morbid a place! :) I go maybe once or twice a year (for various reasons I'm not even entirely sure which one is my dad's grave!)I feel like a bit of a prat when I go so I tend to dump the flowers and leg it!

With counselling its not a case of going I there and explaining what your feeling right now and why, its a journey that could start with the birth of your child and how you felt about that etc, when I had counselling my first session was a disaster as I just point blank refused to talk about most things as I just couldn't. Eventually though after much patience and understanding from my counsellor we got there and the word that summed up everything for me was 'tormented' because I was by past and hadn't dealt with a lot of emotions. They are pofessionals and you won't be the first or last who goes in there unable to explain how you feel. They ask questions that sometimes don't make sense but you'll undestand why they asked when you start to talk. You can do it you just got have faith in yourself, have a try. Be brave because these feelings won't go away hunni they might only increase with the imminent arrival of baby number 2. I wish you luck and happiness and hope you find peace x

I'm glad you found it helped Mandiboo, it must have been very difficult to go through all that so young.

I will think about it, I find the thought of it is pretty scary, but it would be good to make some sense of what's going on in my head.

Well I hope u find the strength 2do so, no harm in trying at least you can say you tried. Life has a way of testing our sanity! X