Anyone's father die when they were quite young?

[puddinghead]

I thought mn could be a good way of getting down how I still feel 33 years on... Sorry if the following seems a bit rambled, I've had a couple of glasses...

My father died just before my 14th birthday of cirrhosis of the liver. I was naturally upset but also glad when he died as much for the relief as anything. The relief of not coming home to find him drunk, the house a mess and me clearing up before my mum got home to avoid a row. The relief of not having a presence in the house (or rather garage where he'd always be) that brought down the mood of the whole household. The relief of just not having to wonder if he'd be sober or not . I can't describe the feeling I'd get realising he was pissed. He would criticise me a lot. I wished he was like other dads. He bribed my brother to give him back the bottle of cider my mum hid in my brother's room.

I distinctly remember the day I had to have some teeth out, I must have been about 12. He was supposed to look after me yet on the bus on the way home (lunch timeish) said 'I'm getting off in the village to go to the pub. I'll still go the pub even if I stay till our stop'. So I went rest of way on my own. That helpless feeling is just horrible. The feelings of shame were great, ie, my friends laughing at him behind his back.

I felt ashamed and embarrassed to have to say that my father was dead, esp. in language lessons when they went round and asked what does your mother/father do ?

I felt different.

I still find it incredibly difficult to talk to my mum about him. She often says 'remember when dad.....' but she's talking about years ago, she cannot acknowledge the horrible times. I think she's blanked them out. I did almost get it out recently saying I thought my father was depressed/alcoholic, but she said 'oh he drank a bit too much that was all'.

I have a collection of letters that my father wrote to his parents when he was young and starting off in the Navy. They are fantastic letters, full of information, his interests and his love of life clearly comes out. I always have a blub when I read them and feel sad that I did not know that person.

I had a lot of self esteem/confidence issues when I was younger.

Don't know if I'm asking anything really, just wanted to get all that out.

Hi there
Just wanted to tell you that I listened to you.
Goodnight and sleep well.

Thank you.

I wasn't young when my dad died. I was 35. But he was an alcoholic and so much of your post resonates with me.
I always thought I'd feel a but relieved but when it happened I was devastated.

I do the same as your mum, blank out the bad stuff and cling to the (few) good memories of him.

I remember that feeling of helplessness and shame as a child so well
Don't know if it helps but I do understand.

Yes, with you.

My dad died of a heroin and speed overdose when I was 15. I was told three weeks later - after the funeral, as SWs wanted to verify the facts before telling me.
So, I hated him and was frightened of him but not having the chance to go to the funeral was awful. I was glad he'd died but very upset too.

School not particularly sensitive either - the following week we had a talk when a policeman came in and gave us a drugs talk - including a blow-by-blow description of what happens to the body during overdose.

Good to hear from you. At the time feels so isolating doesn't it?

Did you find that embarrassment, shame thing too? I know my friends at school just didn't really know what to say to me. The losing the parent is one thing, but the alcoholism/addiction adds another dimension.

No, to be honest I was embarrassed when he was around but not once he'd died. I think some kids thought it was it cool.

I was 13 when my dad died suddenly, and yes i still think about him 35 years later too..

The two main things i regret, are all the missed conversations we should've had when i was older (and understood things a bit more) and that my DSs never had a chance to meet him.. From what i remember he was a pretty flamboyant character and i know DS1 would've loved being with him.

My mum left him when i was 11, and we moved far away, he drank Whisky and black coffee, didn't eat anything apart from Shredded Wheat and Hazelnut yoghurts, and smoked 60 B&H a day, and was a chronic Asthmatic.. He had a heart attack at 36.

I didn't have any friends in my new school, mum had loads of boyfriends and after his death i developed Anorexia.. I found it all really really hard, so i understand completely... I don't think the feelings around those times have ever left, i think i just cope with them now.

Yes, the missed conversations, how he could have helped with diy (he was very good at that), miss him not knowing dc etc. yes, relate to that too Jellykat. Not ever knowing him as an adult (me). My mum, unlike yours, has never had any other relationships, I don't think she's ever wanted any.

I remember I cried frequently at night to myself for years afterwards.
Yes, suppose the coping mechanisms are there now I'm older. (Only occasionally surface in vino veritas !)

Shagobite, I relate to the hating/loving thing. You're supposed to love your father but yet he's a let down/embarrassment/cause of stress. Then he goes and dies before you've a chance ....

My mums attitude was a bit 'Oh well never mind'.. we never even went to his funeral.. I think thats why all my grieving was done in secret too, mainly at night.

Do you think it affected your relationships with men when you were older? I think it did me..

I think it did actually. Looking back, I was distant and aloof . If I was shown interest I didn't know how to reciprocate. Yet I did when useless items showed interest. I married an emotionally abusive item (divorced). Now dh is lovely but suffering depressive episode which I think has similar traits, or sending out vibes reminiscent of my dad's state (at least dh not alcoholic though).

Snap puddinghead! - i always went for the wrong'uns.. drug addicts, emotionally unobtainable etc never the nice ones, that was too real and scarey.. I too have been in EA relationships.

Not entirely sure if it stems from needing to conquer addictive personalities, or just being too scared to get too close to men for all these years. My DP has a black cloud too, but it seems to have quietened over the last 6 months (maybe its because he's reached 51, stopped drinking, and i've changed too)

I lost my Mum and Dad in a car accident when I was in the Sixth Form at school (first year university now). We were in a car accident, they were in the front seats and died, I was in the back and survived almost unhurt. I guess it just wasn't my time to go. I don't feel any shame about them but I do about myself. I still sometimes feel so cross with them they left me to deal with a whole load of crap on my own. Financial and emotional crap and with no brothers or sisters to help. I found Mumsnet a great help.

Oh my goodness missdis I am so sorry to hear that. How are you getting on at uni? Do you have any other support? Wish I could offer more than just being here on the computer. :(

My dad died of cancer when I was 15, I'm 46 now. At the time we weren't made aware that it was terminal so when we went to see him and he died the next day it was a terrible shock. Now I know that he hung on until he saw us.

I went off the rails for a bit, school were hopeless and I was bullied but eventually I came through it. I miss him desperately - I have 3 boys and he would have loved to show them things, and every now and then I have a really good wail. Most of all I feel so sorry for my mum, without him she was nothing, and she's had a miserable time since he died. She is now struggling with health problems herself and I hate the fact that she's grown old without him by her side, and am jealous of those who have their parents around them.

When I got to the age my mum was when my dad died it hit me really hard how young she was, and how hard it must have been for her.

My dad died when i was just 15months old, i cannot remember him and never got to know him. My aunt used to talk to me about him all of the time but unfortuantely she died when i was 8. I never knew him and although people say you cant miss what you never had but i do. I had a dad, he just passed away. I remember growing up and a girl one day saying to me when mum couldnt afford to send me on a very expensive school trip to italy "maybe your dad should pay some maintenance then", My dad was dead, all i could do was cry. I still think about him now and i am 23. It hurts. I had my FIL who was like a dad to me and he died 5 years ago now. It still hurts.