My poor sister has lost her husband and I feel so useless

[NotActuallyAMum]

He'd been ill with cancer but of course that doesn't make it any easier to cope with. She looked after him for 2 years and now she (understandably of course) just looks totally lost without him there

Her DC are all (young) adults and they're hardly spending any time at home - she wishes they would but at the same time won't ask them to and just keeps telling them to go off out and "she'll be fine"

I so wish there was more I could do to help. Don't know what the heck I want anyone to say, just wanted to write it down

Pore you

Pore her

Whatever she says, just be there for her. Just turn up and hang about and stuff and physically be there.

And I'd speak to her kids as well and kick their arses in a loving way

Thank you hully

I have been thinking about speaking to the kids but tbh I'm a bit scared of being told to mind my own business. They really shouldn't be leaving their Mum at home on her own so much at this early stage though...should they?

I'm going round there every day, sometimes just for an hour though because I'm back at work now. I will ask if she wants to come and stay at ours over the weekend. Don't think she will though, but I can but try

Oh, I'm sorry

I'd talk to the kids - they're only young adults, they're probably not sure what to do for the best. Maybe they're taking her words at face value and thinking the their mum wants to be alone? Or, maybe they're deliberately taking the words at face value because they don't know what to do or say - yes, it's the easy way out, but it's hard to do the right thing, and add into that the fact that they are grieving too... how aften do we see threads on here about not knowing what to say to someone who's been bereaved?

I'm sure you are helping in loads of ways without knowing it. Even just talking about your BIL will help. People are sometimes scared to mention someone who has died and I think this can be hurtful. So sorry for your loss.

Yes I see what you mean Poledra, they may well not know what to say either

I think I will speak to them. I suspect her DD will probably listen to me but her DS, I hate to say this, has always been a selfish person and I think he'll just ignore me and carry on regardless

They should know she doesn't really want them to leave her on her own though, she's openly said she doesn't like her own company and hates being alone. At the same time though she does of course realise that they can't sit in with her all the time. Blimey it's so bloody awkward for the poor woman

Crossed posts there LadyWidmerpool. We do talk about him lots, sometimes it makes us laugh and sometimes cry. I guess it'll be like that for a very long time yet

I just wish there was more I could do, but I can't bring him back for her

NotActually I think it is always difficult in these situations. My lovely Dad died of cancer and I remember at first it was a bit of a relief knowing he was no longer in pain, but then the guilt and grief sets in. Your sister and her DC probably don't know what they are doing tbh, I remember those early weeks just being a total haze.

Like others have said just offer to be there, invite her to yours, to go out etc. I would mention to her DC that she might need them more than she is letting on, but I actually don't think they can be expected to be there all the time, they are grieving too and have ot deal with losing their Dad in their own way.