My friend's baby died of suspected cot death yesterday

[shinyblackgrape]

Hi All

My friend's ten week old DS died yesterday of suspected cot death.

It has been a horrific shock and I'm desperate to try and do anything that I can to help her.

She is, of course, surrounder by her family at the moment and will be for the foreseeable future. I was thinking about writing to her but I just don't know what to say.

Is there anything at all that I could or should be doing?

Thank you all so much in advance for any help or advice that you can give me.

Honestly i don't think there is much you can say or do, just let her know you are there for her whatever she needs.

I would write to her and literally tell her you don't know what to say but you are thinking of her and will do anything you can that she needs. She may not want to look at cards and letters now but she can keep them until she is ready. Do not text your condolences.

So sorry for your friend, and you, and everyone else touched by this.

I think, depending on how good a friend you are, I would phone her up to say how sorry you are and if their is anything you can do. She may not be able to talk but one for her family may answer the phone. If you are not such a close friend I would send a card.

I have, thank good, never been in this position so mine might not be the best advice though.

Thank you so much for your responses.

She is quite a new-ish friend (a couple of years) but I just feel absolutely devastated for her.

I will definitely be writing (as opposed to texting) and have got a card to send today.

I know that she will be past responding to anyone for many, many months. However, I did plan to write a very short note again in about 4 weeks or so just to let her know that I still thinking of her. I don't want her to feel alone after the first awful period is over.

I think that is perfect - card now, letter in a couple of weeks. If you know any of her family I would get in touch with them to see if anything practical would be appreciated.

I agree card/letter now.

Will you be able to find out funeral arrangements from the wider family?

Do make sure you note his birthday and anniversary, so you can mark them in future years if you wish (and also think about other difficult days for her like Mothering Sunday or Christmas when she might welcome extra support).

If you can offer practical help, try to talk to the wider family and make suggestions through them, or directly in light of their advice on what would be welcome. Perhaps email/text/phone call in slower time depending on what they say.

shiny, my dd died of cot death in October. I did read letters and cards and really appreciated when someone took the trouble to write a letter. Do call around as well, there's nothing you can say that will make it any better but a hug and telling her that you are thinking of her will be appreciated. One of my neighbours also dropped around a cottage pie which was brilliant as I didn't want to order in (couldn't face the delivery guy) and even my Mum didn't feel much like cooking.
You could also perhaps direct her to our group here We are all bereaved parents and help each other along.

So sorry for your friends loss.
I think card now and letter later sounds good, also on going support.

Thank you all for your lovely messages. I've been in floods of tears which is totally self-indulgent. I can't even begin to imagine how she and her DH will feel. I'm so very sorry for those of you who have suffered the same loss.

A little bit of info has started to come through. No flowers as the house is inundated. Her parents are with her and will be for the foreseeable future so I think that food etc is covered but I am going to be on stand by for the months ahead.

I have my card to write but no idea what to say. I will do it though and write again too.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.

Write what is in your heart and tell her you will always be around for her. Remember something nice about her LO.

The thing that hurt me when dd died was people avoiding mentioning her or worse avoiding me.

shiny, I suppose the thing to remember is that she will never, ever forget. Often we find that three months in or so, people begin to think that we should be moving on and "getting over it" Remembering things like her ds's birthday and anniversary will be appreciated.

shiny you sound like such a kind person. Be there for your friend now, and let her know you are thinking of her. It does help enormously.

When my beautiful Mia died, I found letters, emails, texts and even little messages on FB from friends very touching when I wasn't up to facing people or taking calls. Two friends still send me regular texts with hugs, just to let me know I am in their thoughts. One friend organised a delivery of pre-prepared meals, another sent over a batch of cakes from a local bakery. Those are the immediate things.

It's after her parents have gone, and your friend has to find her way alone, when she will need friends. Friends to cry with, friends to take her out on walks, friends to accept her however she is feeling, friends to help her adjust to that huge space in her life which she doesn't want...

first of all i am so sorry for your friends loss.

i agree, my friends all pulled together and supported me when my family started to fade back to normal life and at first i felt so alone but when they turned up and cuddled me it made me feel like i wasnt alone. make sure you are their for her even if she has a bad day and seems teasy as i lost a few friends that couldnt cope with my mood swings, and in a way that hurt alot. but most of all if you see her out and about befor you have had a chance to go over please dont ignor her because you dont know what to say as that hurts more than someone saying the wrong thing. xx

i am sure you are going to be of great support to your friend

So sorry for your friends very sad loss. Just by coming on here and asking advice proves what a caring and good friend you are. All you can do is be there for her and support her as best as you can.

My good friend lost her baby daughter 3 years ago and at the time I wrote a couple of letters and went to visit when she felt up to it. I know that she has found it extremely hurful that people avoided her or didn't get in touch at the time, this just added to the pain.

My friend loves to talk about her daughter and I always make sure remember Ruby's birthday and other hard occasions.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to come on to the thread. I can't say how much I appreciate your input and kind words and I can only imagine how difficult it must be for those of you who have suffered the same type of loss.

I have sent my card today and I have diaried to send another one is three weeks or so.

I will also make sure that I remember DS' birthday and Mothering Sunday etc.

Thank you so much once again ((hugs))