Newbie whose father died weeks ago...how do people cope?:-(

[Dizzydora71]

Hi im a newbie whose father died 5 weeks ago.

My father discover he had throat cancer 3 years ago .He went throtugh chemo and surgery which he found really hard to cope with.After surgery and getting a chest infection He managed to live a fair normal life for 2 years .Beginning of 2010 my dad kept getting sore throat and not keeping food down doctors said there was nothing wrng for months giving throat sprays antibiotics and painkillers.
August bank holiday my dad was taken to hospital as he was struggling to breath .Doctors had said he was struggling to get over chest infection.They found out he had pneumonia then a blood clot on the lung.He had an xray done and they saw something in xray. My dad was told he had stomach and kidney cancer and had a year to live.They said it was too far gone for chemo.Dad went home with warfarin to disperse blood clot and appointment for mri scan.
He had mri scan and they told him he had 8 weeks to live.Shock was an understatement.
he last 10 weeks and passed away in a hospice on December 2nd .i was with him at the end .He passed peacefully .

I wanted to know how people manage coping day to day .

Dizzy - I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of a parent is one of the hardest things to cope with.

Grief tends to follow certain stages but it does sound like you may still be in shock about it all which is understandable.

I took a few months to get my head around the fact my Dad had died. You get up each day and you do the same things you would normally do - you have to really. Somehow you manage to find a way to cope and keep going.

Have you thought about a bereavement counsellor?

I had to go back to 3 days after funeral.dads girlfriend has turned on all the children as he left no money in the will for her.
Felt like i was on autopilot first week back.
Never thought of bereavement counselling.

Such a shame that dad's girlfriend has turned on you all but you will have to block her out initially or else it will make everything worse for you. If she has serious concerns she can take legal advice which is something you cannot help her with so just forget about her at the moment and let her get on with it.

A lot of people don't start thinking about grieving until after the funeral as the arrangements keep you busy. I hope it was a lovely service for you.

Bereavement counselling gives you a space privately where you can express yourself and begin to work through your feelings without involving anyone else except your counsellor. May be worth a ring to find someone local to you who can support you through the initial weeks/months.

I couldn't have pictures of my dad around for years. He has been gone 10 years this year and it is only the last year I have started to put up lovely pics of him.

I must admit i find it hard looking at photos of my dad .My dads girlfriend has tainted the last memories of my dad. She kicked up a fuss at the funeral and was very frosty towards us.Think i will look up local bereavment counsellors.

Hey Dizzy - how you doing?

Hi Dizzy...so sorry you have lost your dear dad.
My precious dad died on 28th Oct and I am struggling.
The things that help me are to take one day at a time...and when it's very bad I take 5 minutes at a time.
I have put a photo up of my dad when he was well as I find it hard to remember him well.
I talk to him in my head frequently.
I lean on my partner for support, just a hug is all I need sometimes.
I go with my feelings...I don't try to fight them, analyse them or justify them.
I have an appointment for an assessment for bereavement counselling in March because the bottom line is.....I don't know how to live this new life without him.
We are all different and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Above all....be kind to yourself x

Hi everyone

im having good and bad days.i work in a nursery and having to pretend im happy when i speak to parents is really hard.Work have been great.I find at the moment i can just about function at work because i know i have to but when i come home it all goes to pieces.
Doesnt help that my brother isnt dealing with it very well and telling me hes missing dad all the time which i cant hear at the moment.

Hi there , I lost my dad four years ago next month to cancer. I look back and don't know how I got throught that first few months but you just do. It still hurts but somehow after time you learn to live with it and the tears and sad times get further apart.
I too work in a nursery and I know what its like to have to be happy at work but sometimes being with the children helped.
It will get easier, am thinking of you xx

So sorry for your loss.

I think it's never really "better" but day by day and week by week it gets a little easier.

When my mom lost her parents...it was so terrible. Just a really, really shit-dreadful time. But now she likes to talk about them with me, and she says it still aches sometimes but it's not that sharp, constant pain it is at first.

Hi everyone,

im feeling like a heartless bitch today.Last week my brother phoned me on the weekend and told me he was missing dad.I told him i cant listen to him go on about dad as it hurts too much and makes me cry which i ended up doing last weekend.Today my sister phones and says shes missing dad ,missing his hugs.I had to tell her to stop and that i cant hear it.She too made me cry today.

Am i wrong to not want to hear my siblings talk about missing dad?I feel bad but its too raw to be able to listen to their grief when im struggling to deal with my own.

Its only been 7 weeks and im just about getting through day by day.i feel like im pushing them away but i cant hear it. x x

Hi Dizzy
I don't think you are being heartless at all and I understand completely. My mum died a few weeks ago and I have not been able to deal with hearing how upset other people are. It's too much. My dad is different, but I can't listen to my brother or his wife when they tell me how it's affecting them and their children. I do feel like a bitch but also think that you have to deal with things in the way that is best for you: if your siblings want to they can talk to each other but don't feel that you have to go over things if you don't want to. If you're like me you ride it when you're on an even keel and I don't want other people's hurt upsetting that or you'd constantly be in floods of tears. xx

When my sister died, my parents' neighbours - who had lost their daughter nearly a decade earlier - told them that the hole left behind never gets any smaller, but you learn to live round it better with time. It's 3 and a half years since her death, and I still miss her every day, but I think I am starting to live round the hole.

We all behave differently when we're bereaved. There aren't rules. But you will smile again. Sometimes though, it feels like a betrayal to think that you will feel better with time.

Best wishes.

recieved my dads inheritance from solicitors today.It was a bit of a shock and feel it has set back to the beginning as i havent stopped crying all weekend.i cant look at the letter had a quick peep and now i dont want to touch it.i dont even want the money.No money will bring my dad back and id rather have him :-(

Hi Dizzy,
Sorry to hear what you're going through.

My husband lost his father recently and has found it really tough. This book
www.amazon.co.uk/When-Parents-Die-Learning-Parent/dp/0415200660
is really helpful about lots of things - practical stuff, but also feelings of guilt and relationships within the family after bereavement. I'd really recommend it. The author lost her father in her early twenties and writes from experience.

Look after yourself.