Multiple bereavements

[Selfpitying]

(I posted this originally in chat but realise I might get some advice/sympathy/understanding from people on this page who have been through similar things.)

I am risking someone I know seeing this as am very recognisable so if you do know me, feel free to say hi!

My Dad was diagnosed with cancer in July. In September he was given a few months to live and died one week later. He was 57.
I was pregnant at the time and had two scans showing healthy baby. In October a routine midwife appt at 15+5 showed no heartbeat, scan confirmed baby had died. Had to deliver the baby.
In November my sister's FIL died of a heart attack, totally unexpected. He was 60.
My Grandmother died Christmas day, expected as she was 92 but the timing was hard.
On the way to the funeral a BMW drove into the back of me causing me to spin into the fast lane of a duel carriageway with my son in the back. Nobody injured but scary and the car is a write off so am now dealing with insurance companies.

I am starting to get the feeling that people think that the new year means I should have forgotten about all that has happened and put it behind me. I am feeling very sorry for myself. How long do I expect to feel this way and when has it gone on too long and I am just playing the victim? I am trying to only moan to a select group of people so as to avoid making anyone feel uncomfortable. Anyone got any words of wisdom? So much has happened that I feel a bit isolated and don't know how to talk to people who have not gone through similar experiences. Will I feel better soon?

I am open to counselling and the like but want to give myself a bit of time and distance so that I can reflect on what has happened and deal with it in due course before considering other options.

You have coped with more losses over the past few months than most people do over several years, so it's entirely understandable that you are struggling at the moment.
Anyone who thinks you should be feeling better because it's the new year has no understanding of grief. I hope you have someone you can talk to who is willing to really listen to how you feel, as being heard should help you to feel better.
When you feel ready counselling support from somewhere like Cruse Bereavement Care could be helpful. Their website has some good information that can show you that your feelings are entirely normal.

I have not experienced several bereavements so close together and I therefore have no particular advice, but it does sound as if you are coping remarkably well. Losing my mum in October has affected me in ways I would never have imagined - time has taken away the constant raw pain, but grief still hits me hard from time to time. The bereavement forum on here has been really helpful - a place to express my feelings and receive constant reassurance that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. You certainly have permission to feel sorry for yourself right now, and I'm sure you will move forward when you are ready.

Oh my goodness, poor you. That is all just so sad. I can only share my experience and hope it might help...

My 91-year-old grandmother died in October, and then my little 13-month-old daughter died totally unexpectedly three days later. I actually haven't really registered my grandmother's death, as she was old, but I have been consumed with the searing pain of the loss of my beautiful girl. Before Christmas, I was feeling absolutely desperate, as if the grief was totally new again, as I was alone in the house for the first time. I felt that I was never going to emerge from this well of sadness and tears. Like you, I thought I would never feel better again.

Fortunately, DH and I had forced ourselves to take a holiday and we escaped Christmas and New Year. And to my surprise, the trip turned into a holiday. We even enjoyed ourselves. Sure, there were tears, but also smiles. The time away, by ourselves, meant that I didn't have to be the focus of others' grief and concern and expectations, and face questions of 'how ARE you?' At the same time, I could cry whenever I wanted, or smile whenever I wanted, and not feel that I was been assessed every second. It has really helped. I feared the entry to the new year, but it was very gentle, and I have been able to come back home with a little more energy in my step, and a little more ability to think about the future again. There are still sad times, and downs, but that is now part of my life.

For me , a holiday break was really helpful. Writing on here about my daughter has helped enormously too.

So yes, I can promise you that you will feel better one day. But there is no formula or special pill or timeframe. And you will still have bad days. I think that it will be difficult to put the sad losses behind you, but perhaps you can accept this as part of your life, if you can. Here are some words my aunt wrote to me, and I'd like to share them with you, if they help :-

Give your self time. Not to get over this loss because you will always grieve but to somehow weave their beauty, their love, your love and your terrible loss into a fabric that can be worn as a shawl of love.

So sorry for your loss. That must be so hard. I have had a stream of losses in the last 10 years starting with my dad. The last 2 years have been especially hard with the loss of a favourite aunt and brother within a week of each other and my mum 10 months later.
I don't have an answer for you. Christmas was tough (with in-laws) but I got through it. Every one says things will get easier. I am sure its true. I think everyone finds it different.

So sorry for what all of you have been through.

I think counseling would be really helpful. Someone on another thread I am on told me there was a 3 month waiting list for Cruse so it's probably worth contacting them now. Like you, I am thinking, my most recent loss is still so fresh that I need to acknowledge and process what has happened before really being able to make the most of counseling.

Don't feel like you should be ok after a particular period of time. If anyone makes you feel that way they are ignorant and insensitive, whether it be intentionally or just because they are lucky enough not to have been through any of the pain you are going through yourself.

I have had a rollercoaster few years myself and feel like my life is like some sort of bad soap opera sometimes so I know how you feel. In the last 5 years I have lost 6 pregnancies, my step mother died last June, My mum died just over 2 weeks ago 2 days after Christmas and my grandmother, who is like a second mum to me, has bad dementia which has recently gone downhill rather badly over the last few months due to my auntie who is her full time carer being away a few times to be with my mum and then my mum's death. Just when I need my grandma the most, she is not really in the same "reality" that we are in all of a sudden. I was able to have a fairly lucid heart to heart with her up to a month or so ago about my mum, but now she just looks bewildered. You do just think "Oh, come on. Give me a break! How can all of this happen all at once?"

I experienced multiple bereavements. One of which was very traumatic as I was present and tried to save the person, which sadly I was not able to do

I used to walk around in a daze thinking why can't people see what has happened to me, don't I look different. How can I have gone through all this trauma and the world is still carrying on. Those days were very hard. To be honest my life ground to a halt and I was just functioning.

It felt like I was on my knees and someone came up behind and hit me over the back of the head with a sledge hammer.

I used to think why has all of this happended to me and so many people seem to go through life without very few challenges at all.

I went for counselling which I think did help me to make some kind of sense of what had happened and slowly I began to rebuild my life. It was a slow process but I did do it. Those experiences changed me and I try to view them in a different way now. That I was so lucky to have had those people in my life whilst I did. I am glad it was me who was with that little girl when she died because I know I did all I could to help her but it has taken me a long time to get to this point.

Everyone talks about time but for me it has made a difference. The people who I lost are now very much apart of my life and I remember them with much love and warmth rather than the acute pain and loss which I once felt.