I'm so sorry for your loss, and you must be in such pain. When my dad died it took me a long time to accept it, I still miss him, and it was over twenty years ago. But you mustn't be hard on yourself, grief is different for everyone, and if you find talking isn't the way for you just at the moment, then wait until you feel able. You may find reading books helps you to move forward, as Rindercella sasy, because you can do it at your own pace, when you are ready. I haven't read Tear Soup, but the book that got me through some traumatic losses recently is Saul: Between Two Eternities. It's seen through the eyes of a new born premature baby, and although it's very sad, it's just full of hope. And you feel, if this tiny being can be so full of hope, and face the awfulness of death, then so can I. There's a passage I keep going back to, when I feel low."Because loving, this sort of big, stretching, nothing will ever get in the way sort of loving, is the best bit about being alive." I find it good to try and remember that, that loving is a good, fantastic thing, and when you love someone, their loss is terrible, because you loved them. It's because you loved your dad and son, so deeply, that you feel such pain now, but it's wonderful that you loved them, and love them still. And maybe your fear of counselling is that the sessions might take away your love (which is pain at the moment) for them. I remember feeling like that, I wanted the pain, it was like remembering them. So I really understand your fear. But I bet the counsellors know what to do, and I'm sure they can never take away your love for your father and son. That will be yours forever. And it's a wonderful wonderful thing to keep hold off. And one day, the love part will be stronger for you than the pain part. Good luck whatever you decide to do.