It hurts

[madasa]

My dad died Oct 28th. Today I handed the keys to the estate agents and asked them to sell it.........I want to be anywhere else but here right now......it hurts

madasa. It must be so very hard. Is it your childhood home?

Thank you Sparkling. It was my home since I was about 12

That's very sad. it must seem very final.

I felt a bit the same when I lost my Nan. i saw the house in the paper and although I knew it was for sale it was a shock.

hopefully you have some nice memories though.

It does seem final....and unreal. I have yet to bring myself to clear it.
In the heat of a row 2 weeks ago my usually lovely DP told me I was feeling sorry for myself when I was in a bad way over my dad (very out of character for him) I don't seem to be able to get past the comment and so now have withdrawn into myself and don't talk to him....hence my post on here.
I'm sorry you lost your nan Sparkling.....must have been hard to see her house for sale

It's been for sale again since then which was odd too.

I would think you would be feeling sorry for yourself it has only been 2 months so very early days in the grieving process.
Try and talk to DP though he probably feels helpless, and you need him to support you through this. Will he help you clear the house? Do you have siblings?

He has offered to help Sparkling, in fact he has offered to clear it all but that isn't that practical as he won't know what need to be kept/thrown etc.
I have a sister who I am very close to...we will do it together which will help

It will be a difficult few days. I am sure DP can make himself useful while you and your sister make decisions.
How do you think you will be about getting rid of anything. Will you want to keep it all? I think I would be very torn.

Hi Sparkling
I don't think practically it is possible to keep everything. We will keep what is sentimental to us. As for the furniture etc. well I work for a mental health charity and we have quite a few housing projects and service users setting up in their own homes. I will see if anyone can make use of it...at least that way I feel it will be doing some good

madasa i am exactly where you are at the moment,my mum died on 30th Oct.we have put off until this week clearing her house.Its awful and i cant bear to throw mums things out.We have been and bought loads of plastic containers to store stuff in,i am keeping loads for now,when i am ready then i will sort it properly.We are not keeping the furniture,the British heart foundation are taking most of it,but i dont want to be there when they come.This is the most awful time isnt it,and so sad.Today my brother and i have also been to see about a headstone,but we cant have it in place until 6 months have passed,but in any case they said it takes between 12 and 15 weeks to make it.We have already put mums house on the market and viewers are due round on saturday ,but we dont have to be there.I also cant bear the thought of others in mums house,but like you ,we have to sell it.In the next few months i am sure we will go through lots more sad times ,but there will be glimmers of sunshine too for both of us and anyone else in this situation right now.

mummylin I wish you the strength that you need to get through this....it's so hard.
I hope you managed to find a nice headstone for your mum.
I have just had an e-mail from the estate agent with the draft particulars for my dad's house along with the photos. When I saw the photo of the living room and his favourite arm chair...empty....I thought my heart my actually break....I don't know what to do...

Madasa ,i do know how you are feeling regarding the house.My neice has told me that my mums is already on the property pages of the internet.I am not even going to look.I seem to have days when i can get on with things ,then i remember everything of her last day all over again and its so painful as you have said,yes we have chosen a stone and they are going to do a rough draftof it then we will adapt it to how we want it done and let the other siblings see what they think of it.I am also having trouble in latting my mums things go and i have so many tubs piled up in my conservatory.I think you are meant to be a bit tougher and deep down know you cant possibly keep everything ,but at the moment i cannot throw her things out.New years eve was awful ,my dh went to a party ,but i couldnt face it.I stayed in and sobbed my heart out.Like you i cannot face being without the person we have just lost.We will get there as others have before us ,we are allowed to feel sad,and cry.Dont push yourself too hard,allow yourself to go through the grieving process and one day we will be able to smile at funny things your dad and my mum did or said without it hurting so much.Take care

there is another thing that is bothering me ,two people ,both of who knew my mum have competely ignored the fact that she has died.I feel so hurt by this and its as though my mum wasnt important.I dont knowif i am over-reacting or not ?

mummylin, I think you are doing the right thing in not looking at your mum's house on the internet....don't torture yourself....I did and I wish I hadn't.
We went to a party on New's Years Eve and to be honest would have rather been anywhere else, but didn't want to let friends down. I hope you have support from your dh and are not going through this alone.
I think if you are not ready to throw away your mum's things yet (or ever) then there is no law that says you have to.....you can do it when it's right for you.
I have arranged to make a start next Sat with my sister and our dps....dreading it.
As for people ignoring the fact that your mum has died, I personally don't think you're over-reacting . I don't know why people do this....ignorance.... embarrassment....who knows? I'm not sure which is worse....the people who ignore it or those who come out with crass comments i.e. 'these things happen for a reason'
I hope you are ok (as you can be)
Take care

I am not alone Madasa, I have a dh,but for him life is as it was before.he has suddenly become a person who seems to have no tact and says things which i have found hurtful.he knows how much i have hated being round my mums this week sorting out her stuff and his parting shot on Fri morning [ knowing my brother and I were going to do some more sorting that morning ] was " have a nice day " i of course took it the wrong way and felt very hurt and snapped at him.I know i am extra touchy ,but i think a bit of thought should be given when he knows how devastated i am.This is the longest time in my life that i have not seen my mum,i cant believe i wont ever see her again.Im afraid i cant face the cemetery either,i have only been once and that was on xmas day.I think i will feel able to go more when at least there has been some grass laid on the grave and the headstone is in place ,at the moment its just dirt.i feel like a baby who needs their mum