What's normal?

[chocolatemarzipan]

I lost my brother early this year. He was married with young children and it's really devastated us all, my parents as well. He died after an accident and it involved the hospital having to switch off his ventilator when nothing could be done. It was horrendous, something you hope nobody else will have to experience. He died just after I found out I was pregnant, but I hadn't told my family at the time. I 'told' him when he was in hospital but don't think he heard. I'm upset because of this but mainly because he had so much to live for and now isn't able to do so. We're all trying to stay positive and get on with things because this is what he'd have wanted. Even so, it was a horrible shock and completely unexpected.

I now have a young baby and am 'borderline' PND. Tiredness and grieving seems to be getting on top of me. Every morning, I wake up and his death is one of the first things I think about. I usually think about him a few other times during the day as well. Is it normal to think about somebody who's died this often? I've only ever experienced elderly relatives dying before, and it's always been after a long illness so hasn't seemed as much of a shock. It's certainly not occupied my thoughts for this long anyway. I just wish I could get back to normal.

Hi chocolatemarzipan, I'm so sorry you're going through this :(. The truth is that there is no 'normal' when it comes to grief. I'm still deeply affected by the death of my father about 18 months ago and think about him all the time. We each of us deal with these things in our own way.

People will tell you that it takes time, and I think that's true, but it's very personal to each of us.

One thing that has helped is going to bereavement counselling at CRUSE. It may not be for everyone, but they've really helped me get my feelings out and deal with with them as constructively as possible.

There is no normal - and especially not for sudden deaths. And there won't really be a normal again - you just learn to cope with it better after a while. You learn how to manage the grief, but that takes time. And a year is nothing at all; think how long he was a huge part of your life for. Plus you're tired, your hormones will be all over the place - just go easy on yourself and don't have any expectations re how you "should" be feeling.

I second the Cruse recommendation. Bereavement counselling might help you a lot - you've had a very hard year. And I'm sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss; it must have been such a shock to you all, and totally normal to be thinking about him every day. Knowing that your child will never know him must be hard too.
I think you may find it helpful to consider bereavement counselling. It can be really helpful to have someone outside the family to talk to about what happened. The website of Cruse Bereavement Care has some good information. You could talk to your GP or health visitor if you think you have PND.
My sister died suddenly when my DD was 6 months old, and I found it hard to cope with meeting her needs when I was in shock, even though I always knew she would help me to have a reason to go on.

i agree with the above.i am so sorry for the lost of your brother.they say the last sense to go is your hearing(people on ventilators in comas wake up are often able to recall things thetyve been told in this state)so theres a good chance he heard your news.i hope that it a small comfort to you.goods luck with your new baby.i hope things work out well for you

Agree, there is normal, but counselling can help you. You can often get bereavement counselling on the NHS - I didn't have much of a wait.

Someone described grief like waves on a beach. To start with, they knock you senseless, with no warning. When my dad died, I would simply feel flattened by it.

After a while, you keep your balance until, eventually, you find yourself sitting calmly on the cliff, in the sunshine, watching them on the shore.

Hello chocolatemarzipan, I'm very sorry to hear your news. I lost my sister just over three years ago in very similar circumstances, including with the ventilator being switched off, and at a similar age. I know that up until about ten months to a year on I was still thinking about her first thing every day as well, and feeling continually knackered and pretty detached from everything while my head was trying to handle all this. I do remember it all being very tough and gruelling to go through, pretty much for the first year, but after that it began to get less intense and gradually a bit easier, and I am sure soon it will start to for you too.

I was not ready for counselling first thing, just couldn't handle talking about it, but I used to write about it instead, and that really helped just to clear my head a bit. But I did go after a while and could not have done without someone there to talk to directly and freely about stuff, so perhaps it would be good to go when you are ready (it helped my mum too).

I bet he did hear you. I still miss my sister hugely of course (especially at this time of year), but it is easier to deal with now. Sorry to go on about me; it sounds like you're doing a very good job dealing with a really difficult year. Wishing you the very best, and lots of supportive thoughts - no need if you don't want, but pm me if you want to. Kx

There is no normal, and I think it's particularly hard when person dies too young and without warning. And hearing is the last thing to go, so there is every chance that he did hear you. And I don't know what your beliefs are but I believe your brother is probably still listening to you and knows all about your baby.

Thanks for all your replies. I did the PND questionnaire last week and the health visitor is coming back to see how I am next week. I didn't mention all this at the time because I didn't want to get upset in front of my toddler, but I think I'm going to say something next time and see if she's got any suggestions. Maybe I do need to speak to somebody about it. DH seems to think I should be over it by now I think and is not being much help. He's never experienced anything like this himself and I don't think he understands how much of an affect it's having.

chipmonkey I don't know what my beliefs are (I'm not religious) and I think that's part of the problem. I've had a few strange experiences in a house I used to live in which makes me think everything doesn't all stop when you die, but I'm not sure what I think happens. I hope he does know about my baby though.

karen and GRW sorry to hear about your sisters. It helps to know you felt similar things but sorry you've had to go through it. It seems losing a brother or sister is quite under-rated. It's so difficult, but all the support seems to be focused on parents and children.

I think the reason there isn't much support is that it's probably not that usual for a relatively young person to lose a sibling and then I think it's assumed that if you've all gone on and lived your own lives, then your lives don't encroach on each others' as much as if you had been living under the same roof.

I lost my dd in October and although the hospital system focusses on me and dh and our grief, they also provide help for our other children on the loss of a sibling. Could you ask the hospital where he died if there is bereavement counselling available? It may be that it is available but just not automatically offered for siblings.

FWIW, my granny lost her younger brother and my Dad had lots of older sisters who were inconsolable when he died. When my aunt was dying, she said she was fine with it as she would get to see my Dad again and that she had thought about him every single day since he died even though he died in 2002 and she died this year. She always thought of him as being her "little brother".My granny was the same about her "little brother" and barely a day went by that she didn't mention him and this was several years after he died. And these men ( My Dad and great-uncle) were in their 60's so not as young as your brother so it doesn't surprise me at all that you're still very sad and upset, I don't think you're unusual at all.

I don't think you are either. I remember my dad saying it at the time that it might even be harder for me, because she'd been there very nearly all of my life; I'm not sure he's right about it being harder (as hard, for different reasons, for everyone) but I did feel that. Can't quite accept she isn't here really, don't think I ever will.

If you are interested, I read [http://www.amazon.co.uk/Surviving-Death-Sibling-Through-Brother/dp/0609809806/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1325093332&sr=1-2 this]] which helped me feel less isolated and more understood (there is a forum too but found that more difficult). I definitely questioned my beliefs (had none before really) as well, and I don't think it all stops when you die now either.

Very sorry to hear about your daughter too, and your dad, chipmonkey.

sorry that was a rubbish link, will try again

chocolatemarzipan - hope you are coping OK. I second everything others have said. I lost my parents within a year of each other and had to watch them go downhill and suffer. It was awful. I completely underestimated the overpowering loneliness of grief - the rest of the world, even friends and relations doesn't know what to say. People who say you should be "over" it are usually people who have never been through anything really traumatic themselves and don't understand. I didn't understand really until I lost someone close. You have had a sudden death to cope with and the shock goes on for a long time. My counsellor called something like that a "complicated grief". You are going through what you are going through and every person is unique. While we might have experiences in common, bereavement is a different experience for each of us. I think it works through you and can make you feel very anxious and powerless. I know it did me. You are stronger than you think and will carry on for the sake of others. Eventually it will get easier. Sending you thoughts and encouragement.