My Mum died in October

[mariota]

My Mum died on October 26th this year. Its the first Christmas without her, I feel awful. I miss her so much. I have started to have panic attacks on public transport, its all to do with being 'trapped'. I also need to sit close to older women as I feel 'safer' with them. Goodness I sound really mad. I am going up to see her grave again the first time since the funeral as I live far away from my parents, I am home for Christmas with my Dad. I am so worried about him. I really am heart broken.

I'm so sorry mariota. I had to reply as my brother died on exactly the same day. I know there are no words to describe how painful it is and no words that help. Xmas will be tough. Our family used to have such joyous xmases - now we're dreading it.
Just wanted to send you some love and strength and say you are not alone at this horrendous time x

So sorry for your very recent losses. Christmas I am sure was hellish, but we all come back out of the overwhelming wave of grief for a moment to be knocked back down again by New Year, birthdays, mothers day or indeed any random event - a song on the radio, thinking that you have seen them in a shop....but we always end up washed back up on the shore again, battered and bruised where we pick ourselves up and struggle through pre-occupied with our grief. Just go with the flow and be kind to yourself - it is a long and twisted journey...Mx