snowflakes, they may not last long but they are beautiful and loved none the less.

[JjandtheBean]

A fresh clean thread to talk, rant, laugh and cry, and to remember- Pud my little snowflake, my brother and grandma.

I'm so sorry madasa I hope you are as ok as you can be, sending you lots of love and strength, the first few months are the worst.

I had a 'moment' today, me and dp had a night out when breaking dawn was released, cinema and a meal, house to ourselves for the nights, we went and wandered the late night openings in debenhams before the film and I felt so happy, we looked at all the fancy kitchen stuff imagining one day we'd add it to a wedding list, bruno mars was playing, marry you, me and dp were young again breifly totally wrapped up in one another and expecting our new baby we stood looking at the tiny white baby clothes him quietly singing along to the song and when I remember I feel a fragment of that happiness.

Today the song came on the radio, it was like white hot pokers driving through me, in my head I had the memory of pure happiness, and I sat there empty, numb and alone.

Oh JjjandtheBean that must have been complete turmoil....the happy memories mixed up with the pain. Sometimes the 'moments' come when we're least expecting them don't they?

Evening ladies. Just checking in.
How's the DCs Jj bet there very excited x

They really do madasa however once the 'moments' over in a strange way I'm grateful for it as it makes me realise though some days it seems I've forgotten the memories still means the world to me, If that makes sense.

peanut the dcs are ridiculously excited, we wandered into our old home town today to meet my mum as she wanted to pay for them to see father christmas, all the grottos were shut though :(, and they were drunk off the atmosphere, huge carosel, music and lights had them positively vibrating with excitement, we then popped over to my aunties where my cousins (7 and 11) whipped them into a frenzy. Luckily as soon as they were in the car they crashed out, but it seems dd has the nasty cough ds had, I can only hope that it passes as quickly for her --mainly because I want to watch the final harry potter tonight that I swiped off my cousins, and she kept me awake from 11-2 last night--

We have my mum, her dh, db and dsis, aunt, uncle and cousins here tomorrow from 2, for christmas films and biscuit making, I can't wait. We've never had people come to us christmas eve, we just usually end up bored.

Anyway I best shut up I have wrapping and washing up --harry potter to watch--

Very sorry for everyone's losses.
Just wanted to remember my wonderful grandads - they were both amazing in their own ways! They are still missed, but a million happy memories have replaced the sadness of their loss.

What a lovely post moajab, feel free to join in and moan, rant, cry or talk rubbish whenever you need too. X

Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas.

jj hope you got your HP watched and have a lovely day with your family

madasa my DF died 3 years ago and remember people telling me it would get better and being so angry because I felt at the time it shouldn't get better because the most awful thing in the world had happened IYSWIM.
I still think of my DF everyday and often cry because I still miss him so much but the greif becomes less crippling and raw and I have lots of happiness too.

Very un MN but bollocks.......((((((hugs))))) to you all.

Thank you Jj for this thread. It's given me some hope that things will get better at some point. I'm so sorry for your losses and everyone else's losses.
Stomachs in knots again today. I didn't realise how grief affects you so physically as well as mentally. I just feel like I'm really nervous all the time. Got to try and make Xmas a happy time for my 18 month old but it's hard.
Wishing lots of love and strength to you all
X

Thank you peanuts I did eventually get to see harry potter :) a very merry christmas to you and a thank you for being there, its helped me a huge amount. Xx

sunny I'm glad its helping, I totally understand how you feel, for me I felt like I was shutting down, I couldnt eat, all I wanted to do was sleep because I felt like the pain could kill me, for me the turning point was christmas, my grandma passed in November and watching my children christmas day just made me realise, enough, she wouldn't want all the sadness and pain, she did everything she could in life to stop that, being happy would honour her more. I still feel pangs daily, and have 'moments' often but I smile now and talk of her, I tell the dcs all about her and slowly I'm making her memory less painful and more joyful. Its been a year and doubt it can get any easier now but some day soon you'll realise how well your coping, take care sweetie and you and your dc have a wonderful christmas ((((Hugs))))

JJ I know exactly what you mean...there are some days when I can't cry and think I want to but it won't come and it feels wrong, and then the next I am overwhelmed with tears...and I am grateful for them. Enjoy your Harry Potter :)

Peanuts, I'm sorry for your loss but thank you for your kind words. I long for the time when it is less raw but I do believe you that it will be.

A happy Christmas to all of you and strength to deal with the pain and sadness, and hopefully some happy memories mixed in xx

Well my christmas started with a bang, the cars wrecked, needs a new catalytic converter and dp just popped up to the loft to get two presents I'd hid up there and its flooded, so soaking wet dp and landing carpet, bloody glad we rent! But the car, that sodding car wed just paid off :(

anyone?

Next year can only be better jj are the Dcs in bed?
Merry Christmas everyone

The dcs went up the stairs at 6.50, by 7 all was quiet, they were exhausted we had family round, 6 kids, lots of chaos :)

I'm having a drink and watching christmas rubbish on tv feeling positive, so while I'm feeling this way.

A merry christmas to my pud, my little snowflake, my beautiful brother and wonderful grandma. Life would be so different if you were here but I have to smile and solider on for my darling children, ill never forget any of you xxx

I just need to sound off,

I've had a lovely day truly lovely.

Were all sat talking, me dp mil and fil, apparently poor sil who's recently married to a fairly high earner, has a toddler and is pregnant is depressed...

I've lost so much, I'm in pain, I'm not fucking milking it I'm not sat on my arse crying over my kids, I'm working my arse off to be happy, I so desperatly want to be happy, I'm locked in the family bathroom sobbing big wet chokey tears and I feel weak, I'd felt ok today and everythings just crashed down on top of me and I'm angry at the injustice of it all.

Everyone's in bed here, just sat with a glass of baileys shedding a tear or two for my dad, I miss him so much today

Youve done sooo well jj I know it seems so unfair.

I think this may be the last day we can get away with it..................

:) thanks

Dp found me, which never happens, usually I have my moments and he remains oblivious. Not one of my finer moments in a pathetic heap perched on the toilet lid in christmas pjamas snot and tears everywhere.

Luckily or not, I'm not sure, pils remained oblivious as dds not right so I've been in with her twice.

In one way I want people to know, to treat me gently, but in another I want to be strong and not pityed (sp)

Good thing is now, I know I can ignore this and be ok when the children are awake, they make the badness and sadness disapear its like being in a glass box, when they're awake its there I know it is but its kept away, they sleep and it seeps in.

I've had one drink and this happens. Never again.

For some reason despite never getting anything for christmas for years, we've been given quality street, celebrations and minature heros tins, I'm going to bury myself in one and watch micheal macintyre (sp)

Peanuts I'm sending you a huge hug its totally shit, they should be here!! I hope you've managed to enjoy your day xxx

Hi jj, hope you enjoyed watching Michael macintyre and it was a nice distraction. Sorry you had a tough time. It's just sh*t isn't it? Especially when others are 'depressed' for no apparant reason.
I've got through the day ok - my parents and sisters and I just got a bit pissed, just to numb the situation. Peanut - been on the baileys too!
Still feels v surreal. Hate this new life we have to live now. I want my old life back. With my lovely funny brother...who makes everything better with his infectious laugh, who can remind me of so many childhood memories. Life is so bleak without him. So much darker. He leaves such a gaping hole. I can't imagine ever being happy again.
I know I'm waffling now...
Hope you all have a peaceful boxing day x

Hi sunny, glad it wasn't too bad for you, being with family whilst making the 'hole' more apparent, I find also numbs the pain.

Tbh since mil unknowingly upset me I haven't fully shook the feeling off, I'm a hairs bredth away from crumbling and now my fecking cars broken I feel like everything I planned when we moved here has fallen apart and our fresh start is ruined.

The way I've been feeling is concerning me, I'm contemplationg a trip to my gp as I feel extremely scared confused and mildly out of control, not in a dangerous erratic way but out of control none the less. Dp and I are a bit up and down but were fixing ourselves and I asked him why he doesn't look at me when we speak he said he feels pain when he looks in my eyes, I've lost the smile I had. Knowing someone else sees I'm falling to bits has made it more real, I'd managed to convince myself I wasn't really hurting I was feeling how I thought I should.

I'm rambling now.

How is everyone feeling today, I'm doing ok so far, but also feeling I have nothing to look forward too

Has everyone gone?

Hey, How are you doing? Has the hormonal rollercoaster levelled off at all yet?

I'd say 90% of the time it has, I'm in very good control of myself again, however sil is still the route of a lot of pain and rage.

I've quietly distanced myself and removed her from facebook, ill get there eventually but for now I'm in self preservation mode and focusing on me, dp and the children, seeing her daily whinges knowing she doesn't want the baby she's carrying is somewhat hard.

She caused a huge argument a few weeks ago because she felt she should ring dp and say she won't put scan pictures on facebook so she doesn't upset me, and threw a huge wobbly when dp wasn't all interested in everything.

In general lifes falling back into place something I'd have never felt would happen 3wks ago. Now sometimes I wonder if it happened at all or it was some horrible nightmare.

I'd been coping but this past week the big gaping hole has come back and I feel smothered by the pain, I'm in more control though I function I smile with the children and do everything that needs doing, no wallowing and sleeping now, just a deep black hole inside me a pain, a jealousy of others good fortune and 'luck'.

My bereavement councilling is coming to an end and it terrifies me, I rely on it so much.

I hope this time next year I can search this thread and leave a message of how far I've come and how I feel strong, right now I feel lost, alone and weak.

Sorry to hear you are having a bad time again. I know I seem obsessed with AF but might that be the problem? A hormonal swing that is destabilising you a bit?

Hopefully you will feel better soon!

Highly likely entropy, its been 5weeks, nearly 6 since the mc, so surely I should be expecting one sometime soon..?

I'm getting quite frustrated with my feelings now, every morning I wake up having forgotten and remember sometime between eyes opening and getting in the shower a minute later.