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Original poster

I want my mum back right now

17 replies

openerofjars · 17/12/2011 19:22

My mum died when I was 8 and, probably because I am pregnant and hormonal as hell, I am finding the run up to Christmas so hard this year. Mum died in August 1985 so it's not like it's an anniversary or anything, and this baby is my second child. I remember being sad when DS was a baby that she wouldn't get to meet him and it's not that, this time: I just want my mum.

I don't want to work out which bit of blended family to go to when, I just want to be one of those lucky bastards who goes to their Mum and Dad's house for Christmas lunch and the inlaws on Boxing Day, and then does the opposite the year after. And my mum is dead and has been for 26 years, so it's never going to happen.

I want to ask her what her experience of home birth was like - sure, my Dad was there too but I want to know from her. I want her to knit something for the baby. I want her to do competitive grandmaing with MIL. I want her back so much.

It's not fucking well fair.

OP posts:
EllenandBump · 17/12/2011 19:32

I understand exactly how you feel. I lost my dad at 15months of age and although i cannot remember him, i got to know him through my auntie, who died when i was about 9. I wish so much that my dad was able to have met liam, to have been able to watch his grandson grow up. I wonder if he ever wanted a son (he ended up with me and my sister). It is so bloody fucking unfair. I admit my dad was FAR from perfect. For a start he was married (and not to my mother) but still he didnt deserve to die.

I had a great relationship with my FIL, unfortunatly, he will have been passed away 5 years january 25th. We went into hospital the day before and he seemed like he was getting better, unfortunatly, he then crashed on the way down to an mri scan in the morning and although they tried they were unable to resucitate him, and dreadful as it sounds i am glad, because on his postmortem it came back that he had fairly advanced cancer of the stomach as well as cancer of the blood.

My thoughts are with you. BIG HUGS. XXX

Original poster
openerofjars · 17/12/2011 20:32

You too: that sounds bloody awful.

Thing is, Xmas is all about family so it will inevitably be raw for everyone who is missing someone. I'm meeting up with a friend whose mum died a few years ago, when he was an adult, but she was almost his only family. Christmas must be terrible for him.

I'm feeling a bit less shit than I was earlier but it keeps coming back to me this year.

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Everlong · 18/12/2011 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChildofIsis · 18/12/2011 19:48

I lost my Mum this afternoon!
She'd been very ill for months and was on borrowed time.

But I want her back too.

Everlong · 18/12/2011 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xmyboys · 18/12/2011 20:31

Hugs
It's not easy Sad

Original poster
openerofjars · 18/12/2011 21:26

Child, that's awful. So sorry for your loss: you must be feeling so raw.

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york80 · 18/12/2011 21:39

Know what you mean. Lost dad when I was 19 and mum died this year. Going to be with mil this Xmas but it hurts so bad. Sorry for everyone who has lost someone.

coccyx · 18/12/2011 21:42

So sorry child .
My dear dad died 3 years ago and i found myself crying and wanting him back as i was driving back from the shops today.Not sure what set me off.
Big hug

sleepatlast · 18/12/2011 22:08

Lost my mum 5 yrs ago. Only in her 40s. I've spent a lot of time when pregant and now with 6m ds just wishing I could call her for advice, have her come and help and just see her cuddle him (and feeling jealous of other nct mums who've had theirs around loads).we got on so well and she would have been a wonderful grandmother. Crying as I write this so big hugs to OP and all others in same boat. She made me the mum I am today so I take some solace that she lives on in that way. Xx

xmyboys · 21/12/2011 09:38

Until someone has lost a mum they don't realise how pregnancy, birth, children, Christmas, birthdays, weddings are always with a sense of loss. Sad
My mum died 15 years ago, before she knew me as an adult.
How different life would be now if she was still around.
Xx

Original poster
openerofjars · 21/12/2011 20:35

Amen to that. Christmas is so bittersweet now: I can't imagine what it was like for my Dad that first year after Mum died.

DH once asked me, if I could go back in time and change things so she hadn't died, would I? I said I couldn't now, because then I wouldn't have this life (no DS, no Bump, no DH) but it feels like such a betrayal of her.

OP posts:
Hassledge · 21/12/2011 20:40

Child - I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself - and talk on here if you can't in RL. There are far too many of us who have gone through it, and we can help.

Opener - no, it's not fucking fair - it's not fair in any way. It won't help you to know it, but you're not alone - I have so many unanswered questions myself. That wasn't a fair question from your DH - I'm the same as you; if Mum hadn't died when she did (I was 16) I wouldn't have behaved the way I did and ended up pregnant at 20 - but then I wouldn't have my wonderful, wonderful DS1. So no, I couldn't change it. I just wish she knew how wonderful he (and all of them) is.

UglyChristmasJumperJockey · 21/12/2011 20:42

I lost my mum when I was 5 and now having 2 dds really brings home how much I miss, not her if I'm totally honest as I hardly remember her, but the normality of having a mum. Every decision I make about mothering my girls is made off the back of no experience whatsoever. When friends say 'oh I just asked my mum about nappy changing/ feeding/ behaviour etc" I can't even imagine what it must be like to have that relationship.

ChildofIsis - so sorry you've lost your mum.

WelshCerys · 21/12/2011 21:31

Child - hope you are taking the best possible care of yourself.

I'm also without my M and D this Christmas - again - also no in-laws left and estranged from my brother and s-in-l. So just us little lot at home - making the best of it but I also cast envious glances in the direction of friends and colleagues who are looking forward to family gatherings.

What to do? Well, I am working hard - and it's going to be a resolution at New Year - on making friends and maintaining friendships. And, of course, I feel amongst friends on MN. It's a start.

Let's be gentle on ourselves - it's what our mums and dads would want.xxx

golemmings · 21/12/2011 22:09

It's not fair is it. I lost my mum 6 weeks ago but at least she knew me as an adult and met and loved both her grandchildren, although DS was only 5 weeks when she died.

Today I an missing her accutely because dad has had a fall and is in the regional neurology unit. I need her to tell me it will be ok and how I'm supposed to manage dad and two children 200 miles apart. I also need him to remember that she's died because I don't want to have to break it to him.

Original poster
openerofjars · 23/12/2011 20:12

golemmings, how is your dad doing today? Hope he's as well as can be expected and comfortable.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for not getting back to you before.

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