my partner took his own life,i am alone with our 10mth old girl,im so scared&shocked

[brokensleeper]

ii still dont feel its real.i feel as if our wonderful daughter wasnt enoygh.he was depressed for many years. It was 2 weeks ago.i found him and i am deeply disturbed by the images i see when i close my eyes,keep getting horrific flashes.im scared.im so unbeleivably sad for our girl i am uprooted.staying with friends and his family placeto place.i feel so truly lost and dont know how im going to get myself together enough to make sure i keep a stable life for my girl in the next few weeks...i feel lost...alone,shocked,i ask why why why now?i can see the many reasons and i feel i let him down too..im even too scared to cry too much in case i lose my mind like i did that day...i cant bleeive im even typing these words...numb and raw pain.

So,so sorry. I don't have any magic words just want you to know my thoughts are with you and your little girl.

o lord, you poor thing, it's not your fault at all and I'm so very sorry this has happened to you. You must still be in shock, of course. You absolutely will be able to build a good, solid future for yourself and your DD, but you can't expect to have that sorted out when this only happened so very recently. You must give yourself time. Have your friends and family been supportive? Do you feel you could see a GP for a referrel to a counseller? You must be in the most terrible state of shock.

ithank ou.tomorow im contacting bereavement couselor and gp but ive got the ordeal of going to banks tomorow to inform them.we can never go back to that house. My freinds have been amazing and and i cope when they are around but right now im in bed woth my girl asleep next to me and im afraid to close my eyes&feel like im going to explode with the pain of it all at moments. I feel at times ..im just spending a few days at a friends and i will go home and find him pottering about the house and ask me where we have been...i wish.i cant comprehend what happed and happening right now...

Perhaps your friends or family could help you deal with the practicalities, the bank, any will, insurance, property, etc. You may find a solicitor helpful in the practical side as well, depending on your circumstances. But don't worry about all that now. One thing at a time and one day at a time. I'm sure you're overwhelmed at the moment.

Oh God I'm so sorry.

I couldn't read and run and there will be people along soon who can help you more. You are in my thoughts x

big ((((())))) for you and a big (((((())))) for your dd

I am so sorry , I could not read and run. Please believe me when i say it is not your fault and you must never blame yourself for what happened. It is ok to cry . Lean on your family and friends to get you through this terrible time , try and eat even if you dont feel like it. You will make it through this . Get somebody to go the bank with you. Hopefully somebody with more knowldege will be along soon. Sending you big hugs.

I am so, so sorry. he didn;t do it becuase your dd was not enough, either the pain made it impossible to see how dear she is or he thought he wasn't enough for her. Depressed people just don't think in the same way as other people.

here is a website you might find useful.

You poor souls. My friend lost her brother and adult son to suicide within a year and I know how it devastates people.

I am so sorry OP. I agree with peachy in that depressed people feel they are not good enough, not that people are not good enough for them. The hardest thing about suicide is the lack of answers to the why's.

This thead here: What to do when a partner dies is very informative about the practicalites of what to do when you lose your partner. I hope it will help to at least lessen some of your worries.

Its a good plan to contact a bereavement counsellor and your gp. 9 years ago, my brother commited suicide on the 20th of December, and as though that wasnt horrendous enough, that January, so did my best friend. Suicide is awful no matter what, but I think things are either harder when its around a time when most people are celebrating christmas and new year. You will need all the support you can get, dont be afraid to ask for it.

It will take a long long time to sink in from my own experience. When I thought about my brother in the months shortly after his death, I just couldnt handle the fact he was gone. I used to think he was on holiday. Sounds crazy I know but when you lose someone you love so suddenly, you do think crazy thoughts, to help you cope with the shock. It WILL sink in eventually though and you must allow yourself to grieve however way it comes out, cry, get angry, look at photos or hide all photos..whatever it is that helps you work through the pain.

I wish you every strength, you will get through this. You have your little DD to get through it for. x

I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Please do contact your GP, and let your friends take care of you and help you through this. Keep posting here too. There are lots of posters who will be able to offer you advise and a "shoulder" to cry on.

thank u all for your thoughts.mulled wine and peachy im sorry to hear you have had this terrible experience in your lives.i woke up,fed clothed napped my dd,got papers together to go to the bank &then fell apart by the time i had had my shower.i called on a friend to take me&im so glad. I realise who my true friends are.ive no family apart from my sister 200miles away.she has got a lot on her plate but has helped me when she can. The nights and the morniings seem the hardest.our girl is all her daddys face.it makes me so happy and sad at the same time to see her...but she is my light in all this darkness...im scared...

My heart goes out to you, i cannot imagine what you are going through at the moment. You are your DD are in my thoughts and preys. Please be strong.

I'm so sorry to hear this, thinking of you

Hi again, I just wanted to say you will get through this, It'll take a while but it will get better, I promise. My dad committed suicide 15 years ago this christmas and it took a while for me to get my head together but I got through it and you will too.

I will echo what others have said previously, do not blame yourself, there was nothing you could have done. Take time to grieve and do whatever you feel is right, personally, I hated it when people ignored/skirted around talking about it and I made a point of mentioning him, that was my way of dealing with it, you may be different. Please talk to a bereavement councellor, they will really help you.

Just a thought, I know it's early days and this would be very hard to do, but it may be worth putting a memory box together for your dd because as she gets older she will want to know about her father and if it's all in one place it will save you rootling through everything. This may be something to do when everything isn't so raw.

Look after yourself, you need to be strong for your dd, I just want to come and find you and give you big hugs xx

I'm so sorry for this terrible shock and trauma for you and your little girl. I hope you find your way through the next few weeks. Keep posting here, lots of posters will help with advice in any way they can.

So sorry. Have you discovered the Merry Widow board? It's specially set up for younger women (and men) who lose their partners, and I found it very helpful in the early days after my DH died.

I know coping with bereavement by suicide must be even harder, if that is possible, and you may find some other people going through the same thing on there.

i am so sorry for your loss

i sadly know how you feel - my dh committed suicide this april - actually 8mths tomorrow - and i found him :(

the emotions you are having are quite normal - tho the one difference is that i have stayed in our house - i feel safe and secure here - which is strange as this is where dh killed his self - yet im happy to stay

i am far from getting over dh but i am trying to get my life together as there is no choice - actually that isnt true, we do have a choice, and i often say die/cry or survive

you have your dd, and she WILL give you the strength to carry on

you are not to blame, just as i know i am not to blame - yet on 'bad' days i will blame myself and always wonder if can do more

dh was depressed as your partner was and people cant see depression but the best way to describe his/their illness - and it is an illness - is to say depression is cancer of the brain - cant see it, but as with many cancers its a silent killer

Tell us how you and dd are OP, x. Have you managed to grab any sleep at all? Thinking of you. x

You poor poor love - I am so :( for you and your DD. But as the others have said, please remember that this is NOT your fault, nor your responsibility. Your DP chose this route, doubtless through pain and desperation but that was coming from inside him, not from external sources. I'm quite sure he thought you and your DD would be better off without him, however wrong and irrational those thoughts were - I am just so sorry for your pain now having to deal with the fall out of his actions.

((((hugs)))) for you and your DD - it is great that you have friends who are rallying around and looking after you.

Did you own your own house, or was it rented?

Keep posting - sadly there are plenty of people who will be able to offer advice and help to get you through this terrible period.

Hi op,im so sorry.My dd is 10 months and i just cannot imagine what you are going through.I was a mental health nurse for 7 years and worked with many suicidal people and found ti very hard to get to grips with their thinking.I do know though that they were very ill and felt it was their only choice.
What he did was not your fault and was nothing you could pre empt or prevent.
It is the people who are left behind who suffer and question themselves but to take ypur own life is not a natural thing and he would have been very unwell and not in a normal state of mind.
You must get some professional support.Start with your gp and maybe contact a bereavement agency to talk to others who have been through this.
You have your little girl so will never be alone.
I am so very sorry.

I am so, so sorry for you.

You sound like an amazing person, putting your DD first even in such terribly painful and difficult circumstances.

It was not your fault. Depression completely distorts thinking and feeling in those unlucky enough to suffer from it. ( I know ). It was not your fault.

Please find as much help as possible in RL. The most unexpected people will help you; such painful events can bring the worst, and the best, out in the people you know - just stick with the people who are clearly supportive. Professional help will be invaluable.

One day at a time - or one hour, or minute, at a time. Your deep love for your daughter will see both of you through. And be very, very kind to yourself - remember, this is not your fault at all. And you have more strength in you than you ever imagined.

How are things going op? Thinking about you x

Oh op I'm so sorry. I really hope you're getting lots of support in real life.

ii am staying at various houses of freinds.now in london woth my sis till new year in her new flat.its nice but i just dont feel as if its getting easier.i have nowhere to live.i cannot stand to go near the street where our hpuse is.a terrible thing happened in there and everytime i close my eyes i almost cry out loud,sometime i do in a kond of shock beacisue i cant gethis f**kin horrific sight out of my head.i feel like im going to breakdown.im waitng for couselling people to get back to me.im so scared.my little girl is amazing,walking at 9 months,reading,dancing,full of smiles.i cried into her bath whilst washong her tonight and she still smiles!its hurting me.i know my friends are heere but any single moment alone,even when going to the loo...i find unbearable to be alone with my thoughts and this horrific images like a knife in my eyes..how do i find peace...?
Thank you for your thought evry one xxxxx

Sorry I've only just found this thread. THinking of you. HAve you looked here?

www.uk-sobs.org.uk/