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Original poster

Turning Off MILs Life Support

15 replies

chillikate · 09/12/2011 18:52

How on earth can I support my husband through this??

They turned off my MILs life support at 4.30 this afternoon, after 3 weeks on it with pneumonia & ?meningitis. I am at home with DS (5). DH is at the hospital with his mum and supporting his Dad. His brother doesn't feel able to be there.

They believe that her brain stem is severely damaged but don't really know. So far she is holding on.

I really don't know how to support him. He is 70 miles away. We don't have any family nearby to support us so I need to stay here for my son (who knows that Granny is poorly but not what has happened today).

Can anyone help??

Does anyone know what to expect??

OP posts:
TheFarSide · 09/12/2011 19:07

It's possible that your DH is OK just being with his dad right now. When my mum died recently, in those very raw moments just before and after she died, the people I most wanted around me were those who loved her as much as I did - in my case, my dad and my brother. I most needed my DH in the days following the death, where he was a huge practical help, because he wasn't as totally devastated as the rest of us (he was fond of my mum, but didn't love her in the same way we did). Of course your situation may be different, and you may have been much closer to your MIL. What I'm trying to say very ineptly is that you will no doubt be there for your DH in the forthcoming days. I'm sure he knows you are there thinking of him even if you can't be there physically right now. I hope this makes sense.

Malificence · 09/12/2011 20:25

We had this with DH's mum, only she wasn't on life support, she was dying of cancer and wasn't there mentally , it was simply a case of him and his dad sitting with her, waiting for her to die (his sister didn't get there until afterwards, despite living 5 minutes away) Angry .
I stayed at home with DD, who was 8 at the time ( this was 13 years ago) and it took about 6 hours from when the doctor said she would go "within" minutes.

You can support him by being practical and just by being there for him, leave him alone when he needs space and let him talk/cry/whatever.

There is no right way of dealing with grief, just be kind to each other.

JoyceDivision · 09/12/2011 20:30

When my gran died last year, the support was neede for my afmily when she had died, as the period of three days when she was taken into hospital and passed away was supportive n that the immediate family was sat round by her bedside as she slipped away. They provded the support to prepare for her passing. Ithink it will be taht if your MIL doesn't survive the life support being turned off you will need to support your dh after she has passed, when family members are no longer in the setting of being physically close together and grief hits people when they return to the mundane everyday life and feel the loss.

sorry if that's a bit waffley

Original poster
chillikate · 09/12/2011 21:38

Shes still hanging on. Her oxygen levels have actually been better since shes been off the ventilator.

Anyone know how this all happens?? Would she be struggling to breathe from when they take away the ventilator or will she just drift away??

OP posts:
whitecloud · 10/12/2011 17:50

chillikate - my dad had a severe brain bleed and didn't know any of us. It took 10 days before he died - of pneumonia. It's hard to say how long this will take. My dd was much younger and I couldn't get there immediately. My husband and my brother's partner were a great help, especially at the funeral. They were fond of him, but were able to be practical and think much more clearly. That is a great support, and I am sure you will be able to do the same for your dh. Everyone will understand that you have to care for your DS. Think it is hard to tell how long this will go on, but am sure they will sedate your MIL so she doesn't suffer. Thinking of you at this sad time.

Original poster
chillikate · 11/12/2011 17:13

My MIL is just not giving up. She was supposed to last minutes or a few hours at most. She has now survived 48 hours on life support. My FIL is beside himself because no-one will give a definitive answer about whether she is still expected to die.

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 11/12/2011 20:26

Hi Chillikate, I'm really sorry to hear your FIL and DH are having such a wrenching time and your poor MIL is struggling so much. Thinking of you all.

Original poster
chillikate · 11/12/2011 21:08

I meant to say she's survived 48 hours OFF life support.

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 11/12/2011 21:43

Oohh, is that looking good or just terrifying? Hope you all get some definate answers and there is a teeny tiny ray of hope for you...

Original poster
chillikate · 11/12/2011 22:56

We've established (via Wiki & NHS website) that this means she is not brain dead but is in a vegetatative state. Theres a chance of recovery but the family feel that her current vegetative state is not really "living".

Only time will tell. They have been promised a visit from the Consultant tomorrow, having not really had any contact with doctors over the weekend.

Its hard too because everyone had just managed to accept that she would die.

Is this thread still OK here??

OP posts:
Original poster
chillikate · 13/12/2011 19:17

My mother in law passed away this afternoon.

OP posts:
SantasSnowilocks · 13/12/2011 19:22

Oh love, I'm sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and don't be afraid to grieve for her just as much as you need to x

heliumballoon · 13/12/2011 19:30

So sorry to hear this news chillikate, but I am sure it will also be a release, at least that is how I felt when my father died, also after doctors agreed to turn off his ventilator. My father was very very well sedated when he died so no pain or gasping for air, and I hope the same for your MIL, hospitals do manage it very well nowadays. I hope that now your FIL is able to grieve properly for his wife, and your DH for his mother.

You will be able to be such a support for your DH just by being available for him to listen/ talk/ not talk as he wishes. He may wish to talk about the moment of her dying (I wanted to bang on and on about it), or he may not wish to replay it (my brother didn't want to talk about it at all and threw himself into practicalities). There will be a lot of practical things now to sort out, I found this book very helpful (there are numerous websites with the same title eg. Age UK, directgov etc) and there is lots of support on MN too if you have specific questions.

Sending my very best wishes to you and your family at this difficult time.

heliumballoon · 13/12/2011 19:33

Also this leaflet may be of some assistance in talking with your DS about the loss of his granny. Sad

TheFarSide · 13/12/2011 19:44

Sorry to hear your news chilli - my regards to you, your DH & FIL. Even if expected or for the best, it's still very painful to lose someone.

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