Need some advice on how to help a work colleague

[Curlybrunette]

Hi everyone,

I wondered if you could help me and a friend from work (I called her a colleague in the title as I work with her and at work we are like friends, but don't often meet up out of work - does that make sense? I guess she's a work friend!).

Anyway...'Sam' lost her boyfriend 14 months ago from cancer. He was early 30's with a cancer fairly unusual for a younger person to get. They had been together only a few months before he was diagnosed but I think he was her first proper boyfriend, and was the complete love of her life. He was poorly for about a 2 years before he died.

Sam doesn't feel she is coping very well. She started having councelling while he was poorly, is on AD's, but is so tearful all the time, generally depressed I think. She does get out, has taken up hiking, running, canoeing, got a dog etc. etc. she is trying her hardest and wants to feel better but just doesn't.

Sam doesn't feel very supported at work, within a few of months of him dying her immediate colleagues (we are a multi-disciplinary team, I don't do the same job as her) got a bit inpatient with her being upset and taking time off, one even said something along the lines of "come on it's been 3 months now, time to move on" (what a dickhead).

I guess what I'm asking is is there anything she could do to move away from this sadness she is feeling. She is in touch with a bereavement forum (not sure which one, I think for it's for young people) and on AD's but she doesn't sleep very well and is exhausted.

Also is there anything I can say to her. I am happy to listen to her when she needs to talk, but Ifeel like i ssay the same old crap everytime, it's so unfair, he was so young, why has this happened etc. I feel like I speak rubbish cliches all the time.

I don't have any experience of a young person dying and would like to help Sam even in a small way.

Thank you

I haven't lost a partner, I have lost a child but tbh, you don't really "move away" from the sadness, it's always there. I would imagine for your friend, it's probably not just the loss of her partner, it's also the loss of all the hopes and dreams she shared with him. If he was the love of her life, she probably envisaged a future, children, grandchildren. I know that in the case of my daughter, I feel that I have lost not just the baby, but the woman she would have become and perhaps the grandchildren she may have had. If someone dies young, it messes with the order of things. I have also lost my Dad and he died too young but it wasn't as bad, as your Dad is supposed to die before you and my Dad had raised his children and achieved a lot in his career.

Really, there is nothing you can say to her that will make it better. And 14 months is still early days, believe it or not. You sound like you are doing all you can and being a lovely friend. Continue to listen and encourage her to get out and about and be a shoulder when she needs one.

no there isnt anything she can do to move away from her sadness - it just takes time :(

just be there for her as a friend - its my friends that are getting me through this

it does help to talk to other people in the same boat

there are merry widows and also way - widowed and young

i dont sleep - havnt really since dh died and im tired all the time

and TOTAL dickhead saying that - i hope he got a formal warning at work!!!