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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

I have just found out that a distant acquaintance has taken his life and am not sure what to write to his parents

11 replies

PacificDogwood · 04/12/2011 21:48

... who I am closer to. They are relatives to my uncle's wife, but we are a close, large family and I used to see them a lot as a child. Not so much now and to be honest, I can barely remember their youngests son who I must have last seen when we were both in our teens. He was 41, was married and has a 4 year old DC .

I cannot claim to be able to grieve for him (I effectively did not know him) beyond the tragedy of him having been in such a bad place that this was his way out and of the devastation that no doubt his death will leave behind.
But I ache for his parents. And brothers (who I have had contact with over the years). I don't know his wife and child.
I really need to let his parents know that I have heard about his death and that I am so, so sorry for their profound loss.
At the same time, everything I can think of seems trite to me. But then anything anybody can see in these circumstance is trite, isn't it?
And writing what I can will be better than not reacting at all, right?

My parents will be attending the funeral, I can't as it is abroad.
Any wise words, suggestions or even experiences you feel you could share?

I still cannot believe this has happened to these lovely people.

OP posts:

Tinselrella · 04/12/2011 21:52

PD, you are sooo lovely.

"I have heard about his death and that I am so, so sorry for their profound loss." sounds pretty perfect to me.

Words mean so much at such a time. However trite they seem to you, I know they will mean an awful lot to this man's parents.

ninedragons · 04/12/2011 21:55

Hmmm. When my cousin died I know my aunt loved hearing anecdotes from people who'd known her, so any story you can remember about him, even quite trivial, might be welcome.

Poor family. What a terrible time for them.

casawasa · 04/12/2011 21:56

Tinselrella has it quite right. These words will mean a lot to his parents. I speak from personal experience.
If they get a card from you with these words it will help them.

Original poster

PacificDogwood · 04/12/2011 22:00

Thanks for replying, Tinselrella.

I deal with mental health problems in my professional life and with bereaved people all the time, but this is just closer to home .
Bizzare how I feel like that; like I said I really couldn't claim to know him.
I have v vague memories of playing with his older brothers (closer in age to me) and him being the snotty-nosed annoying sibling we had to tolerate.

I have always felt that losing a child, no matter what their age, is somehow against nature and the worst loss.
And his poor child who will only understand with time what she has lost.

OP posts:

Original poster

PacificDogwood · 04/12/2011 22:02

x-posts. ninedragons, I might not share 'snotty-nosed annoying sibling' though .

Thank you all. Especially casawasa .

I will sleep on it and write a card tomorrow.
The funeral is not until the end of the week.

OP posts:

Tinselrella · 04/12/2011 22:03

Big hug to you, it sounds like this has really hit you x

(it's Rindercella btw, but wearing my Christmas tinsel).

casawasa · 04/12/2011 22:06

It is a horrible situation for parents, friends and loved ones. This poor dd will hopefully have lots of love and support to help her deal with this later in life. You are right is saying that she will only understand it in time. It is a dreadful thing. :(

Original poster

PacificDogwood · 04/12/2011 22:09

What happened to the GreatNorks?

It has.
This kind of shit should only ever happen to 'other people', but you know it doesn't. Hope you are doing ok. I'd imagine your DDs will help you through this time of year. If you knew how often I think of you, you'd leave this thread screaming, running for your life .

OP posts:

Original poster

PacificDogwood · 04/12/2011 22:11

Casa, she is 4 1/2.
I don't have any moral/religious problems with suicide, but does leave a whole other Circle of Hell for those left behind to deal with, doens't it?

Thank you all, again. I am off to bed. And see if I can sleep...

OP posts:

ninedragons · 04/12/2011 22:17

Ok, maybe leave out the bits about snotty and annoying.

Tinserella's note is perfect. But I'd add a line about your remembering playing with him as a small child.

Memories are the only place this man now exists, and IME, the more people who remember their son, the greater the comfort to the parents.

casawasa · 04/12/2011 22:20

My experience was that everyone got together and family bonds were strengthened to the benefit of everyone left behind. I hope that it is the same for you Pacific. I hope you sleep well. They might laugh at "snotty nosed sibling"!

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