its so hard without my mum

[jessyd95]

i lost my mum 4 months ago today. she died of lung cancer after already fighting breast cancer 14 years ago. 7 months we had to care for her and try to make our memories full, but a few days after christmas last year she got my bed bound. at the age of 15-16 years old i became a carer for my mum. watching her die is the hardest thing im ever going to come across in my life. in the space of 4 months a lot has changed, ive moved out and my dad has already found a new girlfriend :( this is my first christmas without her, and its going to be so hard, im scared and dont know what to do? i miss her so much, but praying doesnt seem enough?

Nightcat is so right about the smells. My Mum always wore Miss Dior on special occasions, so I always find that smell comforting. I also wear some stuff that was my mums. I wear my mums eternity ring every day, and I also have one of her 1950's black lace scarves which I sometimes wear. These both remind me of my mum and help me to feel that she is still with me.

We always take stuff out on the people we are closest too, so if you could find other people to 'spread the burden' then it may help. You have to do what you feel is best for you, and that could change from day to day.

I know you said you have no relatives you could talk too, but maybe there are friends of your mum you could talk too, and share memories?

I know it sound weird, but I found swimming helped (but only if the pool was quiet), as I suppose it has a meditative effect, and the physical exercise helped me with the restlessness and also made it a bit easier to sleep.

I suppose it must be harder now you have broken up for Christmas 'cos you have lost the distraction of college and your usual routine? So try and plan things to do every day, and try not to keep your emotions bottled up.

I hope some of this advice strikes a chord with you.

Look after yourself.

SAP X

he nearly spilt with me today because of the way i am. everything has fallen apart since i lost mum. i hate it here. i wish i could be re-born nd start again,

Oh jessy I'm sorry you've fallen out.....it must be so difficult for you both.

He probably keeps putting his foot in it, although he's trying to help (& making it worse) & I bet you're feeling alternately weepy & irritable so it's inevitable you'll get on each others nerves.

Did you manage to have a talk & sort it out?

Big hugs x

Oh sweetheart

have you contacted Cruse or any other Counselling service yet, as it sounds to me as though you need more support than you bf can give you. You're both so young, and your mum dying will have forced you to grow up more quickly, and I expect your bf has little or no experience of supporting someone who is grieving?

My 1st dh died when my ds was 6. He has had 2 lots if counselling with Cruse - the latest one was when he was 12. It helped him tremendously. The counsellor said to expect him to go through lots of episodes of grieving as he matures, as he is gaining more life experience and a greater emotional range which triggers a new episode of grief. He will be 16 next week, and has coped really well so far. But that was 10 years ago.

I don't know what else to suggest other than to try counselling and to give yourself time.

I also think maybe you should try counselling, or maybe just talk to someone like a doctor, just to get some advice, not meaning as in mental health, just to get another adult's view. Men are generally not very good in dealing with emotions and maybe he is as much at sea with it all as you are.

In young people emotions can be quite extreme and on top of the hormones, it can be difficult to get a clear-headed perspective. You might need to try and spread your load by talking to people with more insight and experience to help.

You know, Christmas can be quite stressful in an average family anyway, people have different expectations, he might feel overwhelmed too. Try clearing the air if you can but make an effort to talk to others too. It's hard to act grown up when you are still a teen, you need more understanding people around you.

Nightcat is so right.

Hi Jessy how are you doing?

thank you nightcat and soaccidentprone for your support and both your advice is very helpful :)

hey bossy lol to be honest im gettin more nervous as the days build up :/

Nervous about Christmas you mean? What are you doing over the w/e?

Maybe it's just one of those horrible "firsts" to get over- first Chrsitmas,birthdays etc in the first year after a bereavement are so hard. Something to be got through as best you can, and then one year you wil find you have started your own new traditions and maybe even can enjoy it.

If it helps to talk about your mum, you know you can here anytime.
My closest friend lost her mum a few years ago & she said the hardest part for her was no-one wanted to talk about her Mum for fear of upsetting anyone. But it's what my friend wanted, even if she cried, it kept her mum real and helped her remember the lovely times & memories. We went through many boxes of tissues (& bottles of wine!) sharing stories,alternately giggling & crying.

www.winstonswish.org.uk

This is a site for bereaved children - click on 'young people'. Lots of guidance and support and an opportunity to email a question to the professionals who run the organisation, and get a swift reply back. Maybe, in time, you will want to be with other young people in your position - this organisation runs residentials, meet ups and so on.

What are your plans for Sunday? Others are right, these first anniversaries are very, very hard but as time goes by, the pain does ease. It really does.

We're all here for you, Jessy. Keep in touch and keep remembering that your Mum is with you through all of this. Please seek some professional support - services don't all close over Christmas and through your GP, for instance, you should be able to find out what's available this coming weekend.

Hugs to you, Jessy. xx

Hi jessyd95 could not read and run.
You sound like you are doing really well but understandably struggling with your loss.
Grief is a long winding journey and different for everyone.
You will have days that are very difficult and days that are less so, it helps to keep this in mind on the bad days.
I would second what other posters have said re contacting cruse and winstons wish they really can help, they wont take it away but they will help you along your journey to living with it.
Look after yourself while you are off college, you might like to have a daily routine that involves some time outside and some exercise every day as this can help you maintain an ok mood.
Thinking about you and remember there is always a mumsnetter up at any time of the day/night and happy to chat.
xx

You OK, Jessy?

Be good to yourself - fannybaws is so right. A routine of some kind (when you're ready) and exercise outside the house can be so healing.
Keep posting - always one of us up and about!
xx

Hi Jessy-thinking about you today, big hugs.

Hi Jessy, I've just read your thread, and my heart goes out to you.

Keep talking on here if you can, it really does help to get things written down and you'll get lots of support and advice from the ladies on here.

Keep talking pet x

hello everyone.. christmas went ok my 2 year old nephew made things feel normal as we had him to focus on. it felt weird at first because im use to having mum come in and wake me at midnight but this year everyone just slept through. my bf was there so it made it easier for me, had a little cry with him and then just got on with the day.
ive got myslef in with a counsilling service who works with y.e.s so hopefully they will help me through it a bit better but im not really good with talking about it face to face :/

Hi Jessy- sounds like your nephew was a good diversion, & a lovely age to enjoy Christmas with.

So glad you've arranged the counselling, don't worry about the face to face bit, you'll soon get used to it & they are used to people finding it difficult.

Did you get some nice presents?

Hi Jessy

I find that sometimes anticipating an event can be worse than the actual event, so try not to worry and build an event up in your mind. I think you're doing great at coping, coming to terms with your loss etc. You just have to take one day at a time.

And yes, counsellors are trained to deal with every situation. Everyone experiences bereavement and grief in a different way. There is no right and wrong way, just your way, so try not to get too hung up about it. If you find that you're not really connecting with your counsellor you can always ask to see someone else.

Crying is also cathartic - I found that going for walks up large hills etc and looking down helped get a sense of perspective (!) But that's just me.

I used to look at other people with their mums and feel so sad and envious as they had something I no longer had. There has also been a couple of occasions where I saw someone who looked like my mum it nearly made my heart stop. Even now 6 years later, if I dwell on it too much it feels as though my heart has been ripped out.

Look after yourself and try and get out and about. Diversions work well - younger relatives, films, exercise etc.

Keep well.

hi Jessy, just wanted to wish all the very best for the New Year, college, life, counselling, everything really :)

i lost my mum 3 yrs ago she was only me half mum but i took her has me real one she died from being in hospital my only regret was that i didnt go to see her ive got 4 boys one in which she loved has her own for months she was in hospital to start of with having her spine done but there was promblems during her operation she came out with double vision and goin in and out of coma and water on the brain and fits and she was in so much pain and forgetting who she was and goin bak to wen she was younger mind my dad spend every single day with her in hospital for 8 months twice she came out and it looked has thore life was getting bak to normal but then everything came bak doctors thought she had got rid of all the promblems she had in hospital but there came bak faster i does wished now that during the time she was in hospital i went to visit her but i left it to late on the nite she was dying i find sum photos and seeing them makes my head spin round think wat if i was there wud she have cum round wen me dad cudnt get her to recongise him or if i took me son up wud she of woke up for him wen she was still alive i cant share these feelings with me dad becus hes met someone else so soon after and i think sumwhere he blames me wen i wasnt at the hospital but i hated and dont like seeing people like me mum like that in hospital looking ill it upset me but i was at the end and im kicking my self now if i was there sooner wud i wud have made a differents twice she came home 2 days later she was bak in she had stop eating and talkin me dad said wen she did feel alot better so it makes me think is it becus i wasnt there wud i wud of made a different me and my dad didnt have a gud relations ship he was always working i spent more time with mum be4 she went in hospital for her spine but now i dared talk to dad becus i feel he looks at me as thore i shud of been at the hospital my cant share this how i feel with my partner hes not one for letting me share this with but wen i think all the times i shud of gone up or look at her pic or the memorys i had with mum in side me head i does imagine meself smashing everythink up i do talk to her at nite i do wish she can hear me and forgive me we didnt always get on but we had sum gud times she had more promblems in hospital but i cant ask me dad he will say its to late i shud of been there 5 hours late wen i left the hospital she had died i dont know if me dad turned of the machine or she died on her own love u mum and always will xxxx

i went up on the nite she passed away but i didnt get telled till i got there if it was or maybe her last nite till i got telled wen i was already there so now im regreting only once i went there and she past that nite day i shud of gone more then once