What do you tell your DC when they ask you about death?

[ttalloo]

DS2, who has just turned three, keeps asking us when we are all going to die. He starts with himself, then goes through the family, all his friends and anyone else he can think of. I tell him when we are all very, very, very old, because I can't think of anything else to say, but he seems fascinated and worried by the subject, and won't let it go.

I'm worrying that I'm not handling this as well as I should. I want to reassure him but I don't know what I will say to him when he realises that dying is something that happens not just to the very, very, very old.

I've told all 3 of mine when they were very young and first started asking that prople don't die until they are very, very old. I've also waxed lyrical about "heaven".

It worked as a starting point. DS, 5, is worrying about death a lot at the moment. I think it's too scary and confusing to bring in stuff about accidents and illness. The older two seemed to absorb it all without distress as they matured.

I've thought about mentioning heaven, cadelaide but I don't feel comfortable doing it because I don't believe in it. So I stick to the very, very, very old line and hope that DS2 soon forgets to ask every day about the life expectancy of everyone he knows; but the fact that he seems so anxious about it now worries me a lot.

I just feel sad that it's dawned on him that death is something major that can happen to people, and not just something that turned dinosaurs into fossils.

It's a minefield, isn't it?

I don't believe in heaven either, but for us it seemed to work to ease the route towards full awareness. None of mine have said "but you lied!" at any point.

I think the anxiety is just part of working it all out and coming to some sort of acceptance on his own terms, but it is painful to watch.

I've been honest with DS (6) - that most people die when they are old. He's always known that some people, die young (my friend was murdered) and that people might get hurt or become ill. I reiterate that I don't expect either of us to die for a very long time. I don't see a need to be anything other than honest about death.

He knows that when we die, we become soil (my mum lives next to a graveyard) and that our spirit lives on in other people's memories.

This is a really difficult one especially if you don't have religious beliefs.

I also don't believe in heaven, but I couldn't bring myself to say that. When she asked me what I believe, I told her that I didn't know for certain but that many people believe in heaven and described what a wonderful place it is. I also told her that nobody knows for certain because people don't come back from heaven. I feel that I haven't lied to her but I have given her some comfort.