My dad

[madasa]

My precious dad died five weeks ago today, he was 74. He had leukaemia. I went back to work after a week. Yesterday I went into meltdown at work and had to come home, now I can't seem to do anything more taxing than peel a potato. I feel a fraud, everyone's dad has to die, it's not like losing a partner or a child. I don't know how to go to work, I don't know how to do anything any more. I don't even know why I'm typing this. I don't know what to do.

Didnt want to read and run. Your post left a lump in my throat. It sounds as though you haven't had enough time or space to grieve properly. Would it help to tell us about him and your life together?

I read this and couldn't not post. I lost my mum a couple of years ago and I felt exactly like you do now. Its completely normal but it's so hard. My mum was 55 and it was cancer too.

I don't have any helpful advice really other than just take each day as it comes. Or even each morning/afternoon as it comes. You will get through it honestly, it just takes a while.

Sending you very unmumsnetty hugs.

Oh you poor love Your Dad was the first man you loved, he loved you, how could you not feel as you do.

Give in to your grief, it's better out than in as my dear (late) dad used to say.

More hugs from me xx

I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss. When my dad died, I remember feeling so bewildered the next day when life just seemed to just keep on going in all its mundanity when my world had fallen apart.

You are not a fraud, and while it's true that most people will go through this, that doesn't lessen its impact on you or diminish your grief. Do you have some support around you, from family and friends?

With your dad's illness, you have probably had to watch him go through some horrible times and I think this is also very hard to come to terms with. I think we go into some kind of autopilot to get us through while we try to support the person who is ill, and then when they are gone the reality of all that has happened hits us. Don't expect too much of yourself and don't worry about what other people think. If they don't understand what you are going through, that's probably because they haven't been there themselves. Take comfort from those who want to help and ignore any stupid or hurtful things that people might say when they really don't know what to say.

All I really wanted to tell you is that I know you won't be able to imagine it at this moment but you will get through this time, horrific though it is. Let yourself grieve and don't feel you should apologise for it. As time passes you will be able to remember all the wonderful things about your relationship and these will give you comfort. ONce agin, I'm just so sorry.

Madasa My dad died 18 years ago next week at 63. He had Parkinson's and ALzheimer's. I miss him still. I was 23. It is like loosing a husband or a child; your dad was the first man you loved, and loved you unconditionally. You have known him for longer than any of your friends or boyfriends. The relalionship between a father and daughter is very special. It is one I am enjoying seeing develop now between DH and DD (6 weeks). Even so tiny, he is far more protetcive of her than he was with DS.

You need to give into your grief and let it go. Do want you need to do - cry, scream, rage. It does get easier, really it does, but it takes time. That's not just a platitude. I used to go for long walks in the cold. The cold made me feel numb and the walking cleared my mind. Now, I am in a place where I thik of my dad with fondness and often have moments when I think "Dad would liek that", "Oh I wish he'd seen that" kind of things. Particulalry poignat when my chidlren were born, and this year, DD's first Chritsmas.

Will your work give you compassionate leave for a while? Sounds like you need some time and space. have you seen your GP about being signed off work, or bereavement counselling? Have you got any siblings to share your grief with? How is your mum?

Thank you so much for all your replies.
I just feel like I've lost my place in the world.
I have just been to see my doctor and he signed me off for the week that I asked for. I couldn't even look at him the whole time I was in there...he probably thinks I'm really strange and/or rude but I felt if I looked at him I wouldn't be able to say what I needed to.
Bikerunski...I have a sister who is younger than me but I don't want to burden her. I have supportive friends but I don't want to speak to anyone. My partner is my saving grace...he is just there for me 100%, I couldn't ask for a more supportive man...he is also grieving...he adored my dad.
My mum died 8 years ago age 63, a victim of a cervical smear test blunder. My dad took early retirement to look after her. He should be enjoying his life now, his grandchildren etc.
I didn't feel this when my mum died, I didn't love her like I love my dad. Her death brought its own complications but not this raw grief.
Thank you all again for all your kind words, I will look back at them over the next week and try to heed the good advice.

Thank you so much for all your replies.
I just feel like I've lost my place in the world.
I have just been to see my doctor and he signed me off for the week that I asked for. I couldn't even look at him the whole time I was in there...he probably thinks I'm really strange and/or rude but I felt if I looked at him I wouldn't be able to say what I needed to.
Bikerunski...I have a sister who is younger than me but I don't want to burden her. I have supportive friends but I don't want to speak to anyone. My partner is my saving grace...he is just there for me 100%, I couldn't ask for a more supportive man...he is also grieving...he adored my dad.
My mum died 8 years ago age 63, a victim of a cervical smear test blunder. My dad took early retirement to look after her. He should be enjoying his life now, his grandchildren etc.
I didn't feel this when my mum died, I didn't love her like I love my dad. Her death brought its own complications but not this raw grief.
Thank you all again for all your kind words, I will look back at them over the next week and try to heed the good advice.

Madasa, your post could have been written by me.

My lovely dad died four weeks ago today, he was 65. He had a rare bronchial/tracheal cancer.
I went back to work after two weeks. I am Dutch and thus flew to Holland when he was rushed to hospital, then after his death I stayed to help mum organise the funeral. My first week compassionate leave was paid for by work, the second week was unpaid. (I work in a school, those are the county council rules)
I keep alternating between bursting into tears and being short tempered.
I feel like I am auto pilot, dealing with my job, my children, the housework, friends etc.

You are not a fraud. Your grief and sense of loss is very very real.
You are allowed to grieve, to have a melt down.

It is good that you went to see the doctor. Take the next week to look after yourself. Cry, laugh, remember him.

I have two friends who both lost their fathers within the past year. They both say that it takes time to get over. So give yourself time.

In the meantime, I am here. I am walking the same path, so holler if you need anything.

Until then, here is an unmumsnetty (hug)

I am so sorry madasa, I lost my dad 3 and a half years ago. He was 67. He also had leukaemia. I know the raw grief you are feeling. Mum had just retired from her part time job so that they could spend more time together after working hard all their lives and bringing up me and my 3 sisters and a week after she retired he was diagnosed with leukaemia. I am so sorry about your mum too).
It is so hard to deal with. I think me, my sisters and my mum have all gone into meltdown at separate times since it happened, but as time goes on, although the loss is always, always there, you learn somehow to live it.
I sometimes play the music dad always used to play and howl my eyes out, funnily enough it helps afterwards. I am a lot further along than you, I know what you are going through, just try and take it day by day, so hard I know. Love and hugs to you, will keep checking your thead xxxxxxxxx

Sorry I meant 'thread'. My thoughts are with you too BehindLockNumberNine. Love and hugs to you both xx

madasa I was unemployed when my mum died six weeks ago and there's no way I could have gone into work. I only wanted to talk to close family and just couldn't face the world at all. Compassionate leave of only one or two weeks is so inadequate, even though it's the norm. I don't think we allow ourselves enough time to grieve in this society. Your dad was obviously hugely important to you, very young at only 74, and as you say it's very unfair that he didn't get to enjoy much of his retirement, which will probably be compounding your feelings. I have talked to several people who were taken aback at the strength of their grief after losing a parent - even though it's the "natural" order for parents to go first, it's still a massive shock. Just take things easy, and take care.

Longlashes I'm so sorry you lost your dad to leukaemia too, and so young...it must have been (and still is) very hard.
BehindLockNumberNine and TheFarSide, thank you for taking the time to reply to me when your own grief must still be so raw. Thinking of you both. All the things said to me are what I would say to someone else, I can be compassionate with other people, I just need to learn to show myself the same. Am going for long walk in country today as sun is shining. Thank you all again.

Yes it is hard, it is a horrible illness, I also lost a male friend to leukaemia in his fifties. its so cruel. A walk will do you good. I take my dog for long walks by the sea and think about Dad. You will go through good days and bad days, it is to be expected. I try to think that I was lucky to have such a lovely dad for as long as I did, not everyone has that.
Am thinking of you, thought about you when I woke up this morning. Its not easy , but try to take care of yourself, sleep when you can. i am so glad you have got a supportive partner, even though he is grieving too it helps so much.
Was the same with me, my dh thought the world of my dad, he had known him over twenty years. Dh works on the oil rigs and was away when dad passed away was difficult, but when he was here he was fantastic. The constant trips to hospital, he used to take mum a lot when I was at work , she doesn't drive, he was great.
He is supportive as he can possibly be although he says he can't imagine it, his parents are in their eighties, and were also so supportive at the time.
Again, thinking of you madasa, of you and your family xxxxxx

Oh Madasa you could be me. My dear lovely dad died 6 weeks ago. I've been 'coping' and today it is all pouring out. I feel a bit of a fraud as well, I should be over it, it's not as though I've lost a partner or a child etc etc. but today I feel wretched and lost and overwhelmed.

It's crap isn't it. I understand perfectly. xx

Oh kitbit, you are not a fraud (any more than me) you are right....crap doesn't even begin to describe it....thinking of you xx

longlashes, walking your dog by the sea sounds therapeutic. My dad lived near the sea and when I went to his house to sort things last week I went for a walk by the sea, I find it calms me somehow. We went for a walk today and found a lovely local pub which we hadn't been to despite being here nearly two years.

I have two ragdoll cats, a 3 year old and a 3 month old kitten....somehow they are comforting...I just don't need to explain to them :)

Pets are just there for you. I have a mongrel rescue dog and a rescue siamese cat. Dh is away at the moment and my 2 ds are growing up, got their own lives. They are 16 and 18, so the animals are company. Hope you get some sleep tonight, you too kitbit xxxx

Hope today feels better for everyone unhappy, I think it does a bit for me.
I had a really interesting conversation with a friend who's been a nurse for many years yesterday, she's a bit of an expert in bereavement. She said the 4-6 week point is tricky because you've got through the initial 'new' pain, and while people are still supportive they will have started to drift away a little bit as normal routines return.

So, she says, all of a sudden you hit a wall and it all floods back which can take you by surprise.

So for all of us at 4-6 weeks I guess that makes perfect sense. I thought I'd lost my marbles yesterday but it seems it's normal. Still crap, but normal. xx

That is reassuring kitbit. I feel worse now than I did in the first week. I guess I was numb then.

We will all make it through this x

I know when it first happened to me someone told me to google the grief wheel. It explains the different stages of grief you go through after bereavement. Glad you feel a little better today kitbit, I still have good days and bad days now, thankfully as time goes on, there are more good days than bad. xx

Glad you are feeling a little brighter today kitbit. I do too....not quite so engulfed in grief...just quiet.
BehindLockNumberNine, I understand what you mean, I feel so much worse now than I did to begin with. You are right, we will all make it through this. It is so nice to be able to come on here and chat...I don't seem to be able to face talking to anyone in RL.
Off to google 'grief wheel'...thanks longlashes xx

to you lovely lot. Yes, we will get through it. xx