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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Should I tell my almost 4 year old DD that her beloved nan will pass away?

13 replies

Jaimelee78 · 30/11/2011 22:43

My MIL has been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that it is unlikely that she will see Christmas 2012. While I'm sure that the adults in the family will eventually cope, I'm not sure how my DD will. She is extremely close to her nan and spends several hours a day with her while I'm at work. I'm not sure if we should prepare DD for what will happen in the forseeable future and how or if we should wait until her nan has passed away and then help her through the grieving process. I think she senses that something is wrong with nan as she's not as energetic anymore but I just don't know when the right time is to approach the subject. Does anyone have any advice?
Thanks

OP posts:

geminigirl · 01/12/2011 00:03

I really can't help you here I'm afraid but I just wanted to say that I think about this a lot since my father had a stroke last year and is becoming frail. My DCs adore him and we live quite close by and usually see him daily. It's an awful situation to find yourself in and so difficult to know what the best approach is, you want so much to protect them from such harsh things at their age but it can't be ignored either. I will watch this with interest.

AlfalfaMum · 01/12/2011 00:22

I think it's always best to be honest, albeit gently. Children do pick up on everything going on around them, no matter how much we try to protect them.
You could open up a conversation like "Do you know your nan is ill?", and see what she says, and answer any questions honestly and gently. If she doesn't want to talk about it, tell her that you will listen to her or answer any questions whenever she wants to talk about it.
Alternatively, it might make sense for her nan to talk to her herself instead (or as well).

I have some friends (siblings) whose mum died of cancer when they were quite young; she was very honest with them during her illness and that helped them to cope in the end,

VictorianChristmasVamp · 01/12/2011 03:30

My MIL passed away a couple of hours ago from cancer. We've only had 5 weeks from being told it was terminal to today but didn't know how long we would have. We made decision to tell DC that grandma was very poorly but not anymore. They don't understand the concept of time and will expect it imminently. Think how long Christmas is away from them even now! Us adults are panicking and they can't wait.

What I have been doing is discussing death openly so they are not scared of it so much and asking them if they want to talk about grandma being ill

I'm dreading telling them tomorrow. But ill try and remember to tell you how it goes. they are 4 and 7. But they didn't see her as often as your DC but still pretty close.

Sorry that was v waffly - cant sleep! My DH has gone to pick up his brother and family who are flying in from Australia. She tried hanging on for them but just couldn't. Went v fast in the end over 2 days.

Hope the rest of your loved one's life is as happy and peaceful as can be.

coccyx · 01/12/2011 04:25

I would introduce the idea that nan is poorly and take each day as it comes

geminigirl · 01/12/2011 08:54

VictorianChristmas Vamp, sorry to hear that news, it's sad too for your BIL. Good luck on telling your DCs, I'm sure it will be difficult. Take care.

VictorianChristmasVamp · 01/12/2011 19:35

Thought I'd come back and say having just told the DC it was definitely the right decision for us not to have told them before. They would have worried indefinitely waiting for it to happen. This way it was awful, but it is going to be awful when you have to tell them it has happened regardless. My 4 yo really didn't take it in anyway, but we're discussing it further. My 7 yo is far more upset as she really understands a lot more and knew how poorly Grandma was.

HTH - and hope you make the right decision for you and yours.

Florin · 01/12/2011 20:08

I would see how it goes. My FIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer nearly 2 years ago. We were all understandably upset. We started trying ttc then as really wanted him to see our future dc. It's taken us 20 months to conceive and now 11 weeks pregnant. FIL had amazing medical care got on some trial from America which has now been said to be a wonder drug. He had just been back to consultant and been told it is likely that he will see our baby go to school. His diagnosis is still terminal but such a better and longer out look. He may have been just really lucky but may be best to wait until it really its closer to happening rather than worry her too soon.

Original poster

Jaimelee78 · 01/12/2011 20:52

Thank you all for your replies. Even though this is going to be very difficult when the time comes, your advice has helped me to get my thoughts a bit more sorted.So thank you all . I'm not going to approach this subject with my DD just yet as she doesn't understand the concept of time that far ahead but I guess I'm just trying to prepare myself for this difficult task in good time rather than ignore it like the rest of my inlaws seem to do.
But again thank you all, you make me feel like there's someone out there who will support me and my DD through this

OP posts:

piratecat · 01/12/2011 20:55

most definitely would wait till the new year to even mention her nan is poorly.

totalyahoo · 22/12/2011 10:32

My MIL has terminal cancer and seems to be slipping away. She went back into hospital yesterday and I don't know whether to bring my 8yo DS to see her. They are very close but he says he doesn't want to see her with oxygen mask & tubes. I can't decide whether to bring him anyway as this could be the last chance to say goodbye. Any experience or views?

undertheduvet · 22/12/2011 10:42

totalyahoo

My grandad died when I was 10, he had cancer went very quickly, he had been in hospital for a bit before he died and we had been to see him, however once he got worse my parents made the decision not to take us in to see him.
Looking back now Im glad my last memories of him are as him looking like he always did and not really ill, as a child I dont think i would have liked to see my grandad so frail.
Whan my DH's uncle was dying we went to visit him and he was a shadow of his former self.
Of course its up to each parent and their child how they wish to handle this situation, just wanted to tell you my experience and let you know I dont feel bad for not having seen him at the end.
Wishing you love at this hard time

notevenaChristmousie · 23/12/2011 06:58

totalyahoo I would be guided by him. The main thing in the longer term for him is not to have regrets. DD didn't see my mum for the last month - they were pretty close - she didn't want to go (and it was pretty long and drawn out) and mum wasn't asking for her particularly. We did lots of talking about how some people get poorly and get better and some people get poorly and aren't going to get better. She did great throughout the whole thing - it was earlier this year.

callow · 23/12/2011 07:15

totalyahoo

If your MIL wants to see him and he wants to see her, you could ask the nursing staff if MIL could do without oxygen for a few minutes so he could have a very quick visit. That way he could see her without the tubes.

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