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Just been told my mum has 6 months to live and I'm 5000 miles away

7 replies

Pumpkinhead · 15/11/2011 04:52

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but from reading some of the posts here it seems that unfortunately lots of you have had similar awful experiences and I'm looking for some advice. Basically I found out a couple of weeks ago that my mum has about 6 months to live (cancer). I am currently living overseas with my husband and 2 kids but expecting another child due in May. My husband has asked work if they would let him break contracts so that we could return home to the UK but they basically said no and if we did we would owe the company thousands (which we don't have). I am torn between going back to the UK with the children so that I am close to my mum if the worst happens or staying here and hoping that everything will be ok until next summer when we could all return together. At the moment my mum is in good spirits and seems physically ok but from what I hear things can deteriorate rapidly. If I go home it will be a struggle financially and I would not have much support with the new baby, but if I stay and my mum passes away before I can get home I don't think I could live with myself. My dad is encouraging me to stay here as financially it makes sense and he knows it will be tough on my own with 3 kids but I don't know if he is kidding himself that everything will be ok?
I need to decide by the end of the month but I really don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation it would be great to hear your opinions because my head is spinning with it all and everyone is just telling me that I need to do what I think is best. But I don't know :(

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ChippingInNeedsSleep · 15/11/2011 05:19

I'm really really sorry to hear about your Mum :(

Why do you have to decide by the end of the month?

What is travel like between where you are and where your Mum lives?

Do you have any childcare/support/family/friends where you live now if you went to visit your Mum on your own?

How are you feeling with this pregnancy?

Where would you live if you returned to the UK? (with your parents/your old house/rental)

How often could your DH visit you and the kids if you were to move back before him?

How does he feel about you moving back before him?

I'm not impressed with his company :(

Flimflammery · 15/11/2011 05:24

Hi Pumpkinhead. Sorry you're having to deal with such a painful decision. I also live abroad, a long way from the UK, and my mother died last year. Our situation was a little different in that we didn't know how long she would live for. There were times when they told us she might not last through the night, and other times we thought she could live for another few years. It's very very painful being torn between the needs of your mother and the needs of your children (and of course your need to be with her).

I went back alone for a short visit when she had her accident, which I was very glad I did, as it was the last time that I saw her fully conscious. But it meant leaving my 3-year-old and 5-year-old, which was awful too. I then went back again with just my 3-year-old when she was deteriorating, and was actually with her when she died. I was so so grateful for that. Then my DH flew with my 5-year-old for the funeral.

I can't tell you what to do, but I feel that the financial aspect is the least important thing. Do you have somewhere to stay in the UK? Another thing I'm sure you will have considered is that you won't be able to fly in the later stages of your pregnancy, so if you go you should go earlier rather than later. How old are your children? Are they at school? How long could your DH take off work to fly to the UK when you have the baby? Is there anyone, anyone at all, who could help you with the kids in the UK in this emergency situation? People are often very keen to help when they know someone needs it, they don't like feeling helpless, they would rather be able to do something practical to help.

Also, can I gently point this out? You say 'if the worst happens' - but you also said your mum has been given 6 months. So it sounds as if you're not really accepting the truth either. I know it's very hard, it all felt so unreal for me being thousands of miles away, on the phone to my sister at the hospital. And life goes on normally around you, so it feels like some awful dream. Part of me still feels guilty that I was abroad when she had her accident and not there when she needed me most. But the reality is there is not much I could have done. And I couldn't take my children out of school and find a house to live in when it was for an indefinite time, and I couldn't have given her much time and attention when I also had the kids to look after.

Only you can know what's right for you. But I will say that I was very 'lucky', though it feels a strange way of putting it, that I was with my mum when she died. I would certainly have always regretted it if I had not seen her.

coccyx · 15/11/2011 05:29

I would try and go back in next few months. If you wait until the summer you maybe too late. You can always go back again in the summer if things go well.

TanteRose · 15/11/2011 05:42

Gut reaction would be to go - I am 6000 miles away and I think thats what I would do in your case. Go home and be with your mum

thelittlestkiwi · 15/11/2011 06:04

I'm very sorry for your bad news. It's a very difficult situation.

Have you thought about going back for a series of visits? Not sure how far away you are but this could work out cheaper than going for a long time and having to run two homes.

I would call the doctors caring for your mother and ask them about her prognosis and time scales. In these situations I've always gone sooner rather than later and have been glad for that. It can be better to spend time with someone when they are well.

FellatioNelson · 15/11/2011 06:31

I am so sorry to hear that. Sad

I actually have direct experience of exactly this. My MIL died of cancer and my SIL lived abroad at the time. Sadly MIL deteriorated very quickly and died within three weeks of diagnosis so SIL could not get home in time to see her. But for every story like mine there will be one where someone outlives their prognosis by miles, so you cannot possibly punish yourself for not having a crystal ball and not being able to pin down when to go home and for how long. We live abroad now and FIL has a terminally DX, but he has been ill for about three years! We've done numerous dashes to the hospital (luckliy when we were still in the UK, but even then it was a five hour drive away) thinking 'this is it' and yet he is still soldiering on with a condition that whilst technically terminal, has no obvious end in sight, so trying to plan to do the right thing while we are abroad is nigh on impossible. So what I am saying, I guess, is do not feel guilty about things you cannot control.

My advice would be to go and see her fairly soon, while she is still well enough to enjoy time with you, and while you are still safe to fly during PG. Then, if you are very lucky, and timings don't work against you and the baby, you will have enough warning to be with her at, or near the end and there for your Dad to help with all the practical duties afterwards. I would suggest you go over once or twice on your own rather than taking the children. It will be stressful and serve little purpose. Let them speak to her regularly in Skype while she is still up to it.

But honestly, by the time the end comes she is highly likely that she will not even be aware of who is or isn't in the room anyway, so the important time to be with her is while she is still relatively well, IMHO.

Pumpkinhead · 15/11/2011 12:13

Thanks so much for your replies and advice - it really helps to hear what other people think.

ChippinInNeedsSleep - to answer some of your points I need to decide by the end of the month as that is when I would need to give notice to the tenants in our house in the UK. My parents are seperated and only have small flats each so I wouldn't be able to stay with them for more than a few days at most.

Travel between where I am in the UK and my mum is very easy - 10 minute walk. Here - a 13h hour flight!

I do have childcare available here and am thinking of going home on my own for 5 or 6 days before Christmas but wouldn't want to go any longer as my children are only 2 and 4.

My DH would probably be able to visit once or twice between Feb and returning in July but only for a short time (unpaid leave). He doesn't want me to go home on my own but completely understands my need to be with my Mum as he lost his Dad when he was 19.

Flimflammery - so sorry to hear about your Mum. I'm glad you were able to be with her both when she was fully conscious and also in her last moments. I hadn't really thought of it but I guess I'm not fully accepting the truth either. It does feel so unreal being so far away. When I talk to my mum on the phone she never sounds ill. Stupid I know.

Thelittlestkiwi - I am thinking of going home for a week just before Christmas and then either visiting again in Feb or returning for good, The problem is that because I'm pregnant I can't fly much after March (previous premature labour on a plane).

FellationNelson - very glad to hear that your FIL is still going strong, but sorry to hear about your MIL. I think you are right about not taking the kids on a visit home. I would love to in one sense as I know my mum would love it but it would make things difficult practically and also finanically. I am trying to skype her more but she is having a few technical problems! But it is a real struggle to get the kids to stay in a seat long enough to talk to my mum.

So many things to weigh up and make decisions on, but thank you so much for your thoughts.

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