what to say to widow of suicide

[lady]

My husband's cousin has just lost her husband. He has been suffering from depression for a while and committed suicide. They were/are both in their 50's and have two teenagers.
I shall write to her - but what does one say? She was very aware of his illness and it was very hard on her. My gut reaction is to feel enormous sympathy for HIM, as it must have been so bad for him to resort to that, but of course they are the ones that are left. Letters of condolance are difficult at the best of times - I just don't know how to start with this one. I didn't know him very well, just from family get-togethers really. Would particularly appreciate advice from anyone with experience.

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Hi, lady. My neighbour Tom killed himself while suffering from severe depression earlier this year - he went in front of a train. It happened in May but the inquest only took place this week. Although he had attempted suicide with pills earlier, and had said he would try again, his family weren't completely sure this was suicide until the train driver gave evidence that Tom had looked him in the eye and then thrown himself across the track - until then there was a nagging fear that he might have been confused and not known where he was.

He was 57, with two sons - the older is about 28 and the younger about 24. His widow and the younger son are OK with it all, relieved if anything, because he was so desperately unhappy (the depression was cyclical, he had just started ECT for it but knew that even if he got better this time it would come again later) but the older boy is still very angry with him and won't talk about it. It may be that your cousin's wife and children are feeling something of the same.

As far as I know the issue of Tom's probable suicide wasn't something that came up in condolences - fortunately there appears to be very little stigma attached these days, as people are so much more aware of depression and other mental illness. As you don't really know them that well I should think a simple expression of sorrow and sympathy, especially for his children, as if he had died from an illness (which he has, in a way, it's how we have all looked at Tom's death - it was as a result of the depression after all) is all you need to say. If you have any nice memories of your meetings with him it would be good to mention them too.

HTH.

my dad's wife's son killed himself a few years back, and I similarly didn't know what to say in a letter. We're not that close (don't refer to dad's wife as stepmother, had only met her son once). In the end I sent a bunch of flowers from a beautiful florist near where they live, and a message that said something like, "I'm thinking of you". A bit of a cop out, I know, but doubted if anything I could say would be a comfort to her.

I think janh's point about including some happy memories in a note is a good one. When someone dies young, there is a tendency to see it as a wasted life, more so, I imagine, when it is suicide. If you felt able, you could say something positive about his life and his kids, without referring to how he died. Treat the depression like an illness which he died from, same as cancer, and perhaps you will find it easier to find something to write. I know when my parents died I really appreciated people who took the time to write a memory or two in their letters.