Does it ever stop hurting?

[WhoremoaneeGrainger]

Yesterday, my darling daughter was 10. She is my only child.

She was one of twins, but her sister died in situ at 17 1/2 weeks.

I look at my beautiful girl and some days my heart feels like it is going to break in two.

She sometimes says she is lonely, and has always wanted a brother or sister, and we did try to give her that (three more attempts after her, but they all failed).

I miss the baby i never got to hold, got to know. so much. I think of how different our lives would have been, with the two of them. I drive myself almost crackers sometimes, thinking about what could have been.

Then i remind myself how lucky i am. I have a daughter to hold, to hug, to love, to nurture.

It feels wrong, somehow, to feel sad. But i miss the child that never got to be, does that make sense.

I hear her talking, sometimes in her sleep, and i know who she is talking to. I feel her sister here sometimes. I tell her out loud how much we love her, and that we wish things had been different, and she had got be with us too.

Birthday is always hard for me.

Im going to stop now, before i drown in my tears, but gosh i miss that little girl and all the things she might have been.

I don't think you ever stop missing them, but it is just as important to focus on what you have got.

DD died before my DS was born, he doesn't know about her yet [only 5 yrs old], but when he is bigger I will tell him.

Until then, whenever I get cross at some nonsense he does, I make a point of kissing him and telling him that I love him.

When he moans and fusses about not having any brothers or sisters it slices my heart in two but I have had some counselling and it made me a lot stronger and put things in perspective. It might be worth seeing if your gp could refer you to someone?

My heart goes out to you, big hugs.

Thanks.

I am grateful for the child i have, believe me. For a long time i had to be content with nieces and nephews, as we were told we would never have children, even with help.

I just wish (yeah i know doesnt make me sound happy with what i have) that things could have been different, but i know it happened for a reason, whatever that may be.

Oh if wishes were snowflakes id be under a blizzaed!

99% of the time i am fine. It is mainly on her birthday. And part of it because i know she gets lonely sometimes.

I am sorry for your loss too. If its okay to ask, was she very old? Dont answer if you dont want to/cant. What will you say to your son, do you think? My mum seems to think i should tell DD when she is older, so she is prepared if she ever has children of her own. Its a bit weird, but both my mum and her younger sister were the surviving half of twins, so when it happened to me we asked if it could be a family thing, but were told it was just one of those things.

Hugs back to you, and thanks for reading

My mum lost my brother [still-birth] when I was only about 2 but didn't tell me until I was about 16 and we were in the middle of an ugly fight. I have never been able to forget that day and I don't think she ever really intended to tell me. The shock really disturbed me and everything I thought about my family.

I want to make sure I never make that mistake with DS. I don't know when it will be, but I guess I will just know. DD was still-born also and they discovered a lot of medical complications, I have thought it would be something along the lines of this [because DS is very mechanical/lego sort of child] - that babies come with instructions to make them and sometimes the instructions get muddled up and they don't get made the same way as other babies and their 'living' doesn't work properly and so they go back to heaven where it doesn't matter how they are made.

It might not make sense to anyone who doesn't know my son, but I think he'll get it. I'm sure you'll make sense of what to tell her, when you are ready.

I dont think it will be the easiest conversation we ever have! She doesnt like it now when things are kept from her (a couple of the rellies have cancer at the mo, they appear to be making fab recoveries) but she was really cross when she found out from someone else.

I think its just a time thing.

Have been shopping to spend her birthday spends after school - had a fab time, and i feel okay now. Just earlier i felt crap. It just gets me sometimes.

Thanks for the responses.