Mum's birthday today and now bad news from my Dad [sad]

[Haribolicious]

Today would have been my lovely Mum's birthday, she would have been 75 - we lost her just over 2 years ago. I was trying not to be down and just have lovely thoughts about her but then I got a phone call from my Dad to say that he has been told by his consultant (he was diagnosed with bowel cancer but they hoped they could operate) that he probably only has 1-2 years. He has always been sick and for years, has battled with high blood pressure and diabetes but now more recently he has had problems with his heart and his lungs - apparently because of his age and the diabetes, his organs are weak and struggling to cope.

The consultant was talking to him about when the time came, would he like to be in hospital or at home? He told them that he does not wish to be resusitated and does not want things to be prolonged....that he'd just want to be made comfortable and be let go. He was very calm when I spoke with him and talked about being with Mum again....he sounds at peace with it.

I am in bits about this. It was difficult when my Mum got sick and my siblings basically stuck their heads in the sand! I don't want to make the same mistakes with my Dad and would like to make things as easy as possible but at the same time I have to think about my own family - I have 2 young DS's. My DH is wonderfully supportive and has asked if I would like to have him stay with us and whilst initially that would be good, I'm not sure if I can cope with him actually dying at our house (finding strength in the last stages but also silly superstition too) though at the same time I can't bear that my siblings won't be there for him and I can't be there as often as I'd like as we live over 200 miles away.

I just needed to 'say' this as I can't talk to my DH who is at work...but I feel so very indulgent in posting this when I can see people who have lost DH's and children I send all those love and strength.

Read your post and wanted to post something quickly to say obviously very sad for you. (:

With regards to your dad if he decides to be at home he will get help from district nurses etc to make sure that he is comfortable at home or a hospice can be used if the home is not practical in final stages and this can be just for respite or more permanent if necessary.

It is lovely that your DH is supportive as at least if you wanted your Dad to come for a little while now and again maybe that would be possible (obviously before his more in depth medical needs prevent this).

When it comes closer to 'the time' you can ask to be contacted and maybe it will be possible to make arrangements to be around then and to make visits in between at whatever interval suits the needs of everyone else who you need to consider.

I think no matter how much we do, for many of us we never feel as though we've done enough for anyone who is not going to be/is no longer around.

Try and be kind to yourself aswell, as you say you have others who rely on you too and so if you are doing all that you reasonably can then that should be enough.

Take care xxx

Sorry just to say am a little in a rush now but didn't want to rush off before some response but will check back in later xxx

Haribbolicious, you are definitely not being self indulgent, grief is a very real emotion for all of us, no matter who've we lost & the news that a parent is terminally ill, would hit anyone hard. Writing things down in itself, can just be a help, it's a way of working though your emotions & sometimes finding a sympathetic ear can just help you cope a little bit better. You sound like a wonderful mum & daughter. I'm afraid I can't really offer you any practical advice, and to be honest, I think these are the kind of decisions best made within the family, but I felt moved to post, just to send you my best wishes.

Thanks everyone - sorry for posting and leaving....my head is mashed at the mo.

CURIUOSPARENT - I'm very lucky that DH is being supportive....he was fabulous when we were losing my Mum too....I could not have survived had it not been for him. I think for now, we will work on some extended visits and then see how he gets on. The problem is that he does tend to get bored when he visits (he's a real homebird at heart) so with me working and the kids at school/nursery, he'd largely be on his own during the day.

Joyn - thank you for your kind words....I def needed to write it down as I feel like I can't process it at the moment. I do need to sit down and discuss with my siblings but I can't do that for a few weeks and really would like to do it face-to-face rather than over the phone.

I have spoken with my Dad on and off since he broke the news and he's so calm about things! This has given me strength though that I can't be selfish and break down (that I will save for the privacy of the shower!) I feel very numb and everything is just very very hazy.

So it's started! My dad is speaking to everyone and talking about who's getting what and it's already causing trouble amongst the family! Dad gets a little confused as it is but on top of this, he does like to be the centre of attention...but the confusion means that he's already forgetting who he's told what!

I can't even think about inheritance but everyone seems to be and DH says that although it's a little crass to say the least, I need to make sure that my family don't mistake my reluctance to speak about such things to mean that I'm happy to be passed over!

I can't believe this is happening already. Dad is already talking about having a big family christmas but then after that....who knows! I really don't want him to start wallowing in self pity and just 'wait for death' but is that selfish of me? He's in his early 80's so has had a good life and if he's at peace with it then I suppose I shouldn't interfere....he's making plans to do the things he wants to and to visit the people he wants to so as long as he's done this, then I should just let him get on.....shouldn't I?!