Getting worse instead of better-has anyone else felt this?

[shesparkles]

My mum died in December 2009, age 67, 12 years after a diagnosis of alzheimer's disease. As you'd expect it was a hellish time.

9 weeks later, my MIL died-we weren't close but we got on ok. DH doesn't have any brothers or sisters, so I put how I was feeling aside, to see to him.

I cried pretty much every day, some days just a tear or 2, others it was full flood. On the 1st anniversary of her death, I made the conscious decision I wasn't going to cry every day as I know mum would have been really upset at that. I did pretty well until about a month ago- even managing to think about mum pre-alzheimer's and smiling thinking about her.

Now I find myself thinking about mum pretty much 24/7, and feel like I've taken so many steps backwards. For the past month or so, there's hardly been a day when I've not cried. I feel almost as raw as I did not long after mum went.
I can't speak to DH about it-he's a closed book with this kind of thing, but is this normal? I thought it was supposed to get easier in time, not more difficult

Yes it it totally normal. My Dad died under odd circustances over 12 years ago, which I won't go into now. My parents were divorced long before her died and because of all the family shite at the time I never really greived properly, I don't think until 5-6 years later, I could not listen to any music with the slightest sadness for about the same length on time.

It seems to take many forms, grief for the loss of her with alsheimers when she was alive, when she died, then being their for DH's loss and him being a closed book.

Do you have any girlfriends you can talk to about it, anyone who has lost a parent? I have had counselling which was great, at the time I just felt like I was chundering on wildly and the counsellor must have thought I was nuts and I would leave the sessions feeling embarressed and ashamed to begin with. But it did help to get it out and talk to someone who can talk just to you about it, no one else, help you. I did not tell DH for a while I was seeing her, not sure why, just wanted it to be mine and private.

So yes I do think it's normal, grief can be ever unravelling and plunge you in despair, but on the other hand I have now learned to live with it and can think of my Dad now in a more postivie way eg: my youngest DS said something he used to say the other day that made me laugh so much! Yes I can be driving along and a song comes on the radio and I have to pull over.

I would suggest finding someone to talk too. It does help. Take care.

PS: It was about Wagon Wheels, you know the biscuit, my Dad loved them and I had not seen any or bought any for years, I found some in Tesco and my youngest DS said they were the most delicious biscuits he'd ever had and was going to eat them forever.

Just a little thing that would mean nothing to anyone else but meant everything to me, that thread of something familiar

Thanks carocaro x