5months and scattered some of dh ashes today

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Today it is 5 months since my darling husband comitted suicide as he felt he couldnt cope with life any more due to his depression.

I decided to divide his ashes into 5 and he will be remembered from the sea to the stars

1. at home in a heart box
2. scattered at sea
3. crematorium with plaque
4. in a firework
5. under a tree

and today we did no 2 and he was scattered at sea with his close friends and next month he will be buried with his plaque in a spot i chose by a pond and then also sent off in to the sky to mix with the stars in a firework on his birthday.

The original plan was to do some deep sea fishing as well but due to high winds and sea very choppy it was impossible to anchor the boat to fish but we did what the important part was and laid him to rest at sea.

We hired a boat and the skipper took us to a special place - where if I or the 'boys' want to go and fish 'with' dh - they know where he is and hopefully next spring we will go back again and fish.

I always thought the funeral was hard, but today was so emotional as well :(

We all took turns in scattering my dh into the sea and yes I cried - I think we all did - I didnt think it would be this painful and even 5 months on (which i know everyone will say is no time at all) but i still struggle some days.

Yes there were tears but there was also laughter, esp when the boat got very rocky and was tipping from side to side (only a small boat) and we got soaked - after we scattered him the wind really picked up again but was also sunny and it was almost if he was saying hello to us all (mad i know)

The skipper then circled his ashes 3 times as it is custom if buried at sea and we went back to the harbour.

We toasted dh during a late lunch and went out for drinks tonight as well to 'toast' his memory as we always do on the 16th

Alone I will not be
my comfort will come from the sea.
The stillness of calm waves will gently drift by
I will be as one with the sea.
When the sun sets on the ocean blue,
remember me as I will always remember you.
As the sun rises...go live life as full as can be
Apart...you and me...but at peace for I am free

Miss you so much baby - I hope you have found peace and the light at the end of your tunnel of darkness xx

wanted to acknowledge your post.what you did sound well thought out and personal to him. and yes do maintain rituals and memories that help you. i see you posted this 16th, and you toast on 16th. was that date your dh took his life?

and yes you have your memories and there will be some v dark times and some v good times too. i hope over time the good times begin to becime more,and dark times less.you never forget and it doesn't diminish its just like a volume control.it goes up and down

sm yes to the date - was 5 months yesterday

16 april 2011 - a date forever now marked in my brain :(

That sounds like a lovely way to scatter his ashes and remember him

And I love the idea of putting some ashes into a firework - I didn't know you could do that! I love fireworks and the idea that someone you love could be part of that wonder in the sky is just lovely.

Blondes :(

I can't believe it has been 5 months.

What you are doing sounds lovely and so 'You & Mark' :)

I love the poem.

Biggest hugs as always
x

PS Have you found a new job yet?

sidge dh was a bit of a pyromaniac and LOVED fire /loud noises and fireworks so just seems the perfect way to say goodbye to him

chippingin yep, 5 long months :(

and no to perm job. but got temp work and tbh i like temping - parents are so appreciative and treat you well - yes a perm job would be better/more safe but i havnt found a family i like that hasnt got cats