Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My friend just died today, I want to send a good bye text to her phone.... Crazy?

44 replies

Flum · 11/09/2011 00:05

that's it really, would it be horrid for husbands or kids h
Who will no doubt read it? Just want to say bubye and feels like the way. Is it wrong. Would just say miss you and bye bye that's all

OP posts:
Original poster
Flum · 13/09/2011 21:46

Well I didn't. And have sent a letter. And seen her husband and it is all desperately sad but well, it is and doubly sad because she was a Mummy but Of course I am fine just sad but he has the real deal to get through and my heart tightens just to think of this lovely family having to adjust ton life without her but they will and maybe I can helpnif even just a little.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 13/09/2011 22:51

brother is different from spouse

i hope to god my brother never dies but if he did then yes maybe a text from a friend would be ok

but not as a wife/husband - its different - more brutal if that makes sense

TCOB · 13/09/2011 22:59

I sent an email to my assistant after he died. I was sure nobody would read it (he was seperated from his wife and had no next of kin other than very elderly mother) but his ex did read it. She was really understanding and realised that I was totally mortified, but at the same time very gentle. I don't know why I did, other than that I was so angry and so sad that he was gone and because I kept his numbers and his emails in my address book, I just had this crazy moment of frustration that there are all these ways to contact someone yet when they are gone - none of them will work and you are on your own without them.

I am so so so very sorry for her family but also for your pain. You are not crazy, just desperately hurting, and I feel for you.

Crystalmom · 13/09/2011 23:05

I'm so sorry for your loss.
My nan (who raised me) died nearly 3 years ago and I still have her number in my phone...
I hope writing a letter helped you express what you needed to say...

lookout · 14/09/2011 10:08

Blondes, with respect, as you have not lost a brother, please don't suppose it is any less brutal than losing a spouse.

Flum, I'm sure he appreciated the visit, and anything you can do to help, especially practically in the early days, will be good for him. I feel for you too, losing anyone we love is devastating.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/09/2011 17:28

grief is grief - guess in my case, my brother is single so there isnt a wife to upset but obv parents and me

tbh i think a text message sent to anyone who is dead is just weird - but a letter is a much better idea as can write down emotions and then either post or just leave

lookout · 14/09/2011 17:53

You're absolutely right, grief is grief, and someone you love dying 'before their time' is always gonna be brutal. I guess it's horses for courses though, I sent my brother a couple of texts after he died. I still wanted to be able to talk to him, and even though i knew he wasn't gonna read them, I needed to do it. You do whatever you have to in that situation, I guess. Smile

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/09/2011 18:12

your brother so different - if i wanted to send mark a text i would

but to have a friend do it seems weird - dont know why - just does - but only my opinion :)

lookout · 14/09/2011 18:19

Why is it different if it's a friend or a sibling? Anyone could feel the way I did, ie. still want to talk to him, and would therefore want to send him a message. As you say though, just our own opinions! I hope, sincerely, you never have to be in that situation Smile

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/09/2011 18:34

i dont know tbh - ignore me lol - all i know is that when dh phone got a text from someone who KNEW he was dead - it freaked me

where as another friend sent a text the next day - saying along the lines, hope all is well - been away on holiday - just flown in, must catch up for a beer next week etc - and that was ok :)

lookout · 14/09/2011 18:50

No, you're entitled to your opinion. I can understand you being freaked out. A think similar happened to me on fb, my brother logged in to Chat even though he'd been dead for 3 months. Turns out it was my mum logging into his memorial page without realising about the Chat thing.

Sorry about your husband. I didn't realise. Now I'm Blush.

Flum, sorry for the hijack too Smile

MiniSis · 14/09/2011 18:54

I know for a fact that my brother in law wouldn't have appreciated texts being sent to my sisters phone. I text her before I knew she had died and he got it and he cracked up (especially as the text was about someone else who died that day) He switched her phone off as he couldn't cope with her friends texting her (this was before they knew)

He cancelled her phone soon after anyway. I got moments of wanting to text or call to hear her voicemail but I didn't.

I am glad you chose a different way to deal with it. It is always such a hard siutation as grief makes people what to do weird things, but there is a bigger picture and other people that are grieving too.

Big hugs xxx

magicOC · 14/09/2011 20:32

Lookout, FB can be freaky like that.

Only a few wks ago a friend posted some pics and this other friend who had died earlier this year, posted a comment and clicked "like".

Freaked lots of mutual friends out and made all of us jump (frantic texting/emails/messages). Contacted the owner of the pics and it turns out he had RE-LOADED them, and so all the comments etc from the 1st time around, remained.

Wishing in some way her brother would close down the FB account like he said he would, but, at the same time, it's nice to be able to go back and read.

lookout · 14/09/2011 22:17

magicOC, my mum was talking about closing down the account, but I like it being there. I said in another thread, it's a way of keeping him alive, nonsensical, but that's how it feels.

Flum, how are you doing?

Notsurehow · 14/09/2011 23:39

It's a really tricky one and I think you did the right thing Flum,my rule of thumb is "if in doubt....don't".
My brother committed suicide last year and I set up a page on gonetoosoon for people to add their messages "to him".
I chose to look at his page when I felt able and yes it made me cry (we were incredibly close) but equally I LOVED the fact his friends took the time to write what they did.
I had his phone and I did on a few occasions have to contact his friends from it - the reverse of your situation and it freaked them out Wink
I rang it and recorded his voicemail message as I knew it would be lost for ever - some people may think that's weird.
I can't bear to take his FB page down,occasionally people post messages to him which is actually lovely.
So,in essence,I think you did the right thing and I know how much I miss my best friend (my brother) so my thoughts are with you.

RattusRattus · 15/09/2011 19:39

Did she have a Facebook page? I said goodbye to my friend via FB.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 15/09/2011 19:52

My best friend died five years ago this Christmas. I still have her number in my phone.

I wouldn't contact her phone.

Is there anything else of hers you could hold or talk with?

Dillydollydaydream · 17/09/2011 16:42

My cousin died in May and she still has her FB profile that family and friends send her messages on. On her birthday we all sent her birthday wishes, and we always tell her how wonderful she was and how much we miss her. Might be odd but I like to say hi and I'm thinking about her.

vogonmothership · 17/09/2011 22:24

Flum, my fabulous Dad died on Tuesday. On Tuesday night one of his oldest friends texted his phone to say he loved him and would see him on the other side. Both my mum and I thought it was lovely. We were very drunk though and I have to admit I did text back to say 'I' loved him too. It made us chuckle at the end of a very dark day.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page