Don't really want to go to this funeral

[joanne77]

Both my parents died when they were quite young (mother was 50, dad was 60). I was a teenager when my mum died. Particularly as result of mother's death I had a lot of psycological problems/ depression/ anxiety etc. Now I am older I feel that death of parents at our age e.g. 40 plus is to be expected. The parents are often 70 plus, most nearer 80.

I find funerals difficult, I am not very good at out pourings of emotion - my own or other people's. I have a very pragmatic view of death and I am also not very good at empathising with people who have lost loved ones who are old.

Now Dh's dad has just recently died quite suddenly. His mother is very upset as are his siblings. The funeral is iminent. I really do not want to go as I am concerned that my forthright opinions will cause upset and I will be hopelessly bad at dealing with everyone else being upset. The funeral is a long way away, our DD is quite young and we both think she shouldn't go but a very good friend has offered to have her for the two days it will take to get to and go to the funeral.

I would rather stay at home with DD but am worried that not going will upset DH & the rest of the family.

What should I do? Am I being selfish or would it be better for me to keep out of it to avoid the risk of making an insensitive comment.

I find it hard to see your pov OP, tbh. I too lost my mum at a relatively early age, but, for me anyway, losing someone is harsh regardless of age.

My mum was very ill for years before her death, and I grew up with that. But it doesn't mean I am hardened to death. In fact, on the contrary. It makes life seem even more precious. My dad is still alive (in his 60s) and I will be devastated when he dies, even if he lives to be 112.

I'm sorry you feel unable to support your DH at such a time. But if he understands your feelings, it's not up to me or anyone else to say what you should do. But as a child, one of the worst things for me was being "shut out" of things- the finer details of my mum's illness, the stillbirths she had, my papa dying. I felt marginalised and wanted to be part of it, but was protected by well-meaning adults. I'm sure, however, that you have spoken to your dd, and heard her feelings on the subject. I hope it goes as well as possible.

Is there a middle way so you are not away from your DD for so long and so you can still support your DH (by being at his side, even if you are not saying much)?
For example, you go up to stay as a family, but someone looks after DD during the service, and then she comes to the wake. And at the wake the DIL role is normally to help with the catering and hosting generally so you can just throw yourself into that.
If my DH had refused to come to my father's funeral earlier this year, whatever his ishoos, I would have been gutted and the whole family would have seen it as a massive sign of disrespect. My SIL also found it particularly difficult as it reminded her of her mother's loss but she was immensely practical and that kept her occupied on the day eg. making endless cups of tea, washing up etc.

Tbh it is unthinkable to me (and i suspect to most people) that you (generic you) wouldn't attend a spouse's parent's funeral. You are overidentifying with your daughter's loss. How old is she? you haven't said?

I am not unsympathetic (i lost a parent at 5yrs old) but feel that you really need to look at this issue. Why did you post this tonight?

And what does your Dh think?

I posted this today because I wanted to get some idea if I was being odd or normal. I have a good idea now.

i hope you are okay? x

Your husband will need your support. My husband lost his much loved sister when she died at 21. I was there for him. When my dad died, much to my surprise, I was completely blindsided by grief (we had a difficult relationship).thankfully my husband realised that I needed him to be there. If he had said he wasn't going to the funeral for whatever selfish reason, in hindsight I would have found it hard to forgive. This isn't about you, it's your partner has lost his dad and you should be there for him. Your daughter won't be harmed by going either,death is part of life after all.

Thank you. Cannot go on with this thread for varous reasons but it been helpful to sort out some thoughts.

I can understand how you would not necessarily equate the loss of someone who has lived into their 70's/80's90's to your parents passing away in their 50's and 60's (especially as you were much younger), but the funeral is not about you and your feelings.

Even if you did not know your FIL very well you need to understand that your DH and his close family will feel the loss greatly even if he did have a good innings.

If you love your DH you will be there (hard as it is for you) sober and keeping your views and feelings to yourself to support him through this difficult time. All you have to say with regard to the passing of your FIL to any family member is 'I am so sorry for your loss'.

I attended my MIL's funeral today who died aged 56. Despite having a 2 year old DD, I went in a support role to be there for my DH, who loved his mother very much and will miss her greatly. Even though I loved her too and she was like a second mother to me, my feelings didn't come into it when DH needed me to hold his hand, hug him and be strong for him today.

Many of my MIL's grandchildren aged 18 months to 21 (including my DD) also attended today and most of them are primary school age. They were very upset at points, but it helped them to cry and all the older ones were at the graveside during the committal and placed some earth into the grave.

My DD and her younger cousin (18 months) went off for walks around the cemetary with me, my mother or cousins father as they quite clearly would not have understood or stayed still/quiet during the committal.

Obviously you cannot negate the request of DH's family and just turn up with her in tow.

If she is very distressed then I would suggest you stay with her, she is a child and as you say DH has many family members who will be there to draw on for support.

If she is not greatly distressed I would suggest you talk with her beforehand and explain things then leave her with your friend and go with DH to support him.

Joanne, don't know if you're still around, but it seems to me that there is no 'right way' for everyone. It depends on the family, how close you are etc. No point in being a hypocrite unless your DH wants you to!

Speak to your DH & find out what he wants - if he's happy that you stay at home with DD then who cares what this lot think?

My DP lost his mother last week and the funeral is this week. He needs me and our children (aged 14, 13, 12 and 7) to be with him on that day and support him.

His mum was 70, but she'd been ill on and off for quite a few years.

All families are different of course, but I feel that it's important for our kids to say goodbye to their granny and celebrate the time they had with her.

I experienced alot of death when younger, not parents but best friend, all grandparents, a few aunts and uncles. I feel I have quite a hard view of death. Dh lost his first grandparent a couple of years ago and he was distraught (very close to them). I found him really hard to deal with, and part of me kept thinking to she was in her late eighties and your quite lucky to still have three grandparents as an adult. I had lost all mine by the time I was 11.
But also a big part of me knew I wasn't be irrational and hard, it doesn't matter how old someone is when they die if you love. It is still horrible.
Even though it migh be hard to deal, I think you really need to support your husband in this, it is his dad, as long as you can bite your tongue and not say anything insensitive. Regarding not saying anything I dont think is a problem people react different at funerals some cry some are numb and remain emotionless and say little and many dont know what to say so say nothing. So you wont seem odd. But your prescence will speak volume as will your lack of prescence