Don't really want to go to this funeral

[joanne77]

Both my parents died when they were quite young (mother was 50, dad was 60). I was a teenager when my mum died. Particularly as result of mother's death I had a lot of psycological problems/ depression/ anxiety etc. Now I am older I feel that death of parents at our age e.g. 40 plus is to be expected. The parents are often 70 plus, most nearer 80.

I find funerals difficult, I am not very good at out pourings of emotion - my own or other people's. I have a very pragmatic view of death and I am also not very good at empathising with people who have lost loved ones who are old.

Now Dh's dad has just recently died quite suddenly. His mother is very upset as are his siblings. The funeral is iminent. I really do not want to go as I am concerned that my forthright opinions will cause upset and I will be hopelessly bad at dealing with everyone else being upset. The funeral is a long way away, our DD is quite young and we both think she shouldn't go but a very good friend has offered to have her for the two days it will take to get to and go to the funeral.

I would rather stay at home with DD but am worried that not going will upset DH & the rest of the family.

What should I do? Am I being selfish or would it be better for me to keep out of it to avoid the risk of making an insensitive comment.

I am horrified at some of the comments to the OP. Of course she's not 'hard-faced' . She is suffering.

OP - don't go to the funeral. Your DH will have the rest of his family to support him, plus you have the very good reason of staying at home with your DD. I don't suppose your MIL etc will notice that you're not there. They will have other things on their minds. Why don't you send a nice, well-considered note saying that you are thinking of them?

Blimey.

This funeral aside - I really think you need some counselling. Your inability to feel empathy for other people is quite worrying.

I don't understand how you can say that you hardly knew your FIL yet your DD is very distressed.

Your DD is old enough to go to a funeral - any child is old enough to go to a funeral - they will take in what is appropriate and the rest will go over their heads.

You need to support your DH through this or it will create a rift in your relationship.

Pull yourself together, act appropriately and stop being so self centered. You are not alone in losing your parents at a young age - it does not give you carte blanche to run over other peoples feelings. They are lucky to have had their family live longer - but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt unbearably to lose them.

FWIW both of my children went to their great grandparents funerals - which took them both through primary school ages. i believe that death is a part of life and you should never underestimate being able to say goodbye properly.

Don't you need to go to help? There is so much to do organising a funeral and if you are not particularly upset about it you could be a real help to your DH's family. How will his family feel about you not going?

I find it very hard to understand you.

Tbh, i think you need to think of your Dh here, how will he feel without his wife there to support him at this time. In my own relationship, if dh did not attend my parents funeral with me, he would not be dh for much longer tbh, but that is our dynamic.

And while your dh may understand, normally, your views about death and funerals, he is unlikely to be calm and reasonable about it at the moment, and may well be upset if you do not attend.

If you do not attend, i do think it would be noticed and commented upon, these sort of things usually are, then your dh may well have to deal with comments about where you are, people do not tend to have tact, even at funerals.

Thank you for all your comments - certainly food for thought for when I speak to DH about what to do. It hasn't made easy reading for me but has given me some kind of perspective on it all.

However I am rather upset by this comment:

"From when I can read here your friend may be a better person to be around your daughter if you go on about her granfather being underground!!!!!"

DD is primary school age, old enough to work out what happens to people who are buried. If she goes to the funeral (to which she is not invited by the family) she will also see this happen. I am not going on about it - she asked about it. These are the kinds of questions that children want to know the answers to and I feel that its important for them to be answered with some kind of sensitive honesty.

If she is primary school age then I would definitely recommend taking her.

I would take her too joanne77. It should help to de mystify the whole thing and essentially say goodbye to her Grandad. Also it may make things easier for you too?

I think its really interesting that you say 'old enough to work out what happens to people who are buried' and 'her grandfather being underground'. People aren't buried, their bodies are. Her gf won't be underground, only his body.

You know that you need to address your attitudes to death or you wouldn't have posted this thread. Have you ever spoken to anyone about how you feel?

I am glad you are taking all of the comments on board.

I really think you need to talk to someone else about this before you speak to your DH. I think you need to be very careful what you say to your DH. No matter how understanding and lovely he normally is, this is not the time that he needs to be pandering to you and he may feel very hurt and resentful of anything you say which is less than 100% supportive. He may not say anything at the time - but it could eat away at your relationship.

Obviously you know him and I don't - but I just think you need to be very very careful here not to do long term damage to your relationship.

Your daughter does not need to be invited to her grandfathers funeral - she has every right to be there.

There are two reasons to go to funerals. To help yourself come to terms with loss and/or to support those you love. The first obviously doesn't apply to you but the second jolly well should.

The way to avoid inappropriate comments is simply to keep silent.

Yes take your dd - if you keep her away from funerals and make a huge thing out of attending/not attending you are likely to give her some pretty unheplful attitudes to bearevement and that's not a great idea.

I agree you could do with some help to work through your own issues too tbh.

Good lord you sound hard. You haven't once said anything about how your poor husband is feelng or what you should be doing to support him. It may come as a massive shock to you, but the funeral is not all about you. All you have to do is turn up, smile and keep your mouth shut. Your daughter will probably have a lovely time with your friend.

I don't think I've ever heard of people being invited to a funeral so I don't see why your DD shouldn't go. I just believe in attending funerals of people that you knew, it shows respect and allows you to some time to think about their life, no matter how close you were.

Most funerals I have attended (except those of young people) have not contained much of the "out pourings of emotion" that you are worried about. The after-the-funeral bit is often full of people chatting and indeed telling jokes about the person who has died, remembering the good times. And yes, sometimes getting drunk! You are setting yourself aside from everyone else, who will all be having their own feelings some of which may not be that different from yours.
And I have lost people at all sorts of ages, and grieved them all, differently.

I think the only question you should ask yourself is, does your DH need you there?

Ok - I'm getting a bit fed up with this about my DD - the family have specifically said they do not want the grandchildren to attend because they do not think it is appropriate. Its not about being invited - its about be specifically NOT intvited.

So what do you expect me to do - barge in anyway, DD in tow. Its not my decision. Maybe I didn't make this clear enough.

I lost my dad a week before Christmas. I am 42, he was 72. I was not expecting his death - he had always been very fit and healthy, didn't smoke, worked on the house and garden, went fishing, played golf etc etc. Then he got pulmonary fibrosis which killed him within 15 months of diagnosis. He wasn't ready to go, and we weren't ready to lose him. His age was completely irrelevant. He had so much more life to live. I asked my children if they wanted to go to Grandads funeral, they were 11, 8 and 7 at the time. They all said no (for which I was very glad - I wanted to be there for my mum without having to worry about what the boys were getting up to. They said goodbye to Grandad in their own ways). My DH was very close to my dad - I think DH was the son he never had and there was no question that he would be there too - not just to give me much needed support on the day, but also to show his respects. Although I am not particularly close to my FIL, there is no way I would not go to his funeral. Regardless of how close I am to FIL, I would be there for DH. He needs you now. Be there for him.

posted at same time, Joanne77, I think funerals are not places for children anyway, it is far nicer for them to say goodbye in their own way. After my dad's funeral I took the boys to his grave and they released helium balloons with little messages attached (so they would reach Grandad on his cloud!) - much nicer than being stuck with a load of adults they didn't know and having to stay quiet/behave all day - something that would have been torture for them! Whatever you decide to do, I hope the day goes well for you all and his memory is honoured in a way that feels comfortable for you. My thoughts are with you. xx

I lost my parents when I was young too - my Dad when I was 15, and my Mum when I was 21, so I know in part how you feel. But I do think that you should put your feelings to one side and support your husband. Think how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and it was him not supporting you....
To be blunt - sorry - this is not about you and your emotional baggage, it's about your DH and you need to be there for him.

our DD is quite young and we both think she shouldn't go

Also family think she is too young and aren't keen

If she goes to the funeral (to which she is not invited by the family)

the family have specifically said they do not want the grandchildren to attend

Which is it?

There's no point in getting arsey with people who are just trying to help you.

You chose to post about this on an internet site.

You brought your DD into it.
You posted contradictory statements re your DD's attendance.

Thank you Pleb1969. I would far prefer my DD to remember grandpa in her own way too. Maybe I'm like her - don't want to fit in with in laws funeral plans.

I understand what people say about me & DH but to be honest my heart is saying I'm more worried about DD. DH is a grown up, he has a big family to support him, DD has only me & him, isn't invited to the funeral and he can't look after her right now - its very hard for a little girl to see her daddy cry.

I think what Joanne is trying to say is not that she will feel compelled to say something but that she won't be able to give anyone much comfort because she feels so hardened about death. I do understand that having lost both my parents when they were young. I was there to support my DH when PIL died but I couldn't empathise just like I couldn't empathise with my good friend who lost her mum last year. You would think I would be the one she could turn to, who would understand but I just kept thinking how lucky she was that her mother had seen her children.
That may not be pleasant but it shows why I'm probably not the best, most sympathetic person at a funeral. Not sure whether this is how the OP feels though.

Having a big families support is not the same as having your wife's support. Ignore his needs at your peril is all I'm saying... but I'm backing out now as I don't want to be arguing with you.

Do whatever your dh would like you to do. If it's important to him that you're there then I think you should go.

If he thinks you should stay with your dd then do that.

Also, having just read the OP's latest post, I think what is happening is that she is empathising with her DD's loss and feels she wants to be there for her and protect her. These feelings are very clearly so strong due to her own loss where she perhaps felt she didn't have anyone there for her to help her through it.

JFM Ha HA

I haven't posted contradictory statements about my DD. DH & I didn't think it good idea for her to go, family have confirmed that. This post has been going on for several hours, I have been receiveing phone calls from DH who hs travelled to other ned of country to be with his family.

I am not getting arsey - I am upset that someone thinks that a friend would be beter able to parent my daughter than me. Surely even a hard woman like me would be entitled to think this.

Ok - I'm getting a bit fed up with this about my DD - the family have specifically said they do not want the grandchildren to attend because they do not think it is appropriate. Its not about being invited - its about be specifically NOT intvited. So what do you expect me to do - barge in anyway, DD in tow. Its not my decision. Maybe I didn't make this clear enough

Arsey in my book.

Until then, no, you had not said the family had specifically said they do not want the grandchildren there.

Anyway, you have enough on your plate without arguing about this - what I think is of very little importance.