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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My mum has 2 months to live.

16 replies

toptramp · 02/06/2011 23:27

I am devastated and have started grieving already. It's mouth cancer which was very aggressive and didn't respond to chemo or rt. It's awful to watch. I can't see her every day. I just don't know what to do.
I know this sounds awful but weve had a very troubled relationship and I was awful when I was a teen. then I gave her cause for concern in my twenties with my various disastours. i know cancer can be triggered by stress and sometimes i feel that i caused her so much stress and pain. Sometimes I feel like it's my fault. Even though I know that's stupid. Or I feel there is something I could have done.

OP posts:

TIDDLYMUM · 02/06/2011 23:34

TT Hug for you xxx

My mum died last month.We had had little contact for most of my 40plus years due to her mental health issues.

Tried to do as much as I could over past couple of years but at the end of the day have my own family to look after.

You musn't blame yourself or look to the past, cancer is a random, horrible thing and no one knows sometimes why it happens.

God bless you xxxxx And your mum x

flickor · 05/06/2011 15:13

All my thoughts are with you. Your mum will appreciate that you are there for her now. My mum died three months ago of cancer and I felt the same as you. Please do not blame yourself for your Mum's illness, DNA mutations cause cancer - not stress. Your mum loves you and I think as children we always she our actions as being much worse than they are. You are with her and she will treasure that. Hugs

QuickLookBusy · 05/06/2011 15:51

Oh don't blame yourself. Cancer is a terrible random disease, it is not your fault.

You just need to be there for your Mum now, that is what is important to her.

My Dad died from cancer and I know exactly what you mean when you say "I don't know what to do" don't feel guilty about feeling like that. I think every relative feels like that because you can't stop this awful thing happening.

Do you have a partner or close friend?
My DH was my saviour. He was so supportive and would be there for all the visits which my dad loved.

It is an awful time. There is no way out of it, you just have to get through it.

notevenamousie · 06/06/2011 07:13

My mum died 2.5 weeks ago and we have had a close and at times difficult relationship for as long as I can remember. The last couple of weeks were quite healing though - I do have things I wish I'd said or done but I can't take away from what healing did take place, just by being there, and in her last days, I talked about a lot of things I couldn't before (she was relatively unconscious by then). This time can be a gift. I don't say that flippantly.

I also thought I was ready and was already grieving - the last 2 weeks showed me that I wasn't quite 'there' in the way I had thought. Talk, lots, to whoever you can. And be very gentle with yourself.

flimflammery · 06/06/2011 07:47

I feel for you OP, it's a horrible horrible time. I think we wonder if we are somehow to blame, as that is easier than accepting that it's random, that there's no reason for it. My mum died 6 months ago (after an accident), and the couple of months before were awful because I felt guilty getting on with normal life with the DCs. I wasn't there with her as much as I wanted to be as I live abroad and I couldn't bring the kids home for an indefinite time. But I was with her when she died and I will always feel grateful for that, even though it was traumatic, I'm glad I could say things to her, even though I'm not sure if she could hear them or not. I could stroke her forehead and tell her we would look after my father and not to worry and she could let go when she needed to. I told her that I loved her and that she was loved by so many people. I talked to her about imagining being in her favourite place. I hope I helped.
I wish you strength, and the courage to ask others for support (not easy I know).

Original poster

toptramp · 06/06/2011 14:36

Thanks everyone. Mum is so tired that she can't handle anyone being around much. I think that means that the end is not too far off if she's sleeping all of the time.

OP posts:

notevenamousie · 06/06/2011 20:38

If being there while she sleeps helps you then do it.

I read lots. Because those "hours" lasted 9 days.

She is slipping away and whatever she had said, you will respect, and after that, please give yourself the strength and grace to do what you need to.
xx

Original poster

toptramp · 07/06/2011 08:02

mum is only 58. It's just not fair is it? Her own mum will out live her and has already had to bury a son who died of leukemia when he was 4. Now this too.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 07/06/2011 08:09

TT - so :( for you. My mum died of bowel cancer aged 63 - she left it until way too late before going to the doctor and it was untreatable by the time she was admitted to hospital. She died 2 weeks after my wedding, which she was unable to attend; and one week after we returned from honeymoon (which she insisted we went on).

I had a difficult relationship with her too - but I made my peace with her at the last, apologised for not being the daughter I could have been and hoped that she could forgive me for the hard time I gave her. I saw her every day the last week and I, my Dad and siblings were all with her at the last - we sat up with her through the night.

All you can do is what you feel you need to, to know that you've done everything you could, not only for her but also for yourself and your own peace of mind. Hope you and your gran can support each other through this traumatic time.

I wish you lots of strength for the coming weeks - but would warn you that it could be a lot less than 2 months. We were told mum had weeks to live, at most (read 3-6 for that) but she died in 1 - she couldn't stand it any more. :(

AshleeB · 07/06/2011 11:24

I am so very sorry, I lost my Gran in November.. to cancer.. it is such a hard condition to deal with.. not just your mum but yourselves.. there is people you can talk to.. is the macmillians involved they do give great support.. all you can do now is be there.. do things she really would like to do.. spend so much time together.. and don't ever feel its your fault.. cancer can be very popular.. and she won't want you to feel this way..

Just spend quality time together... and keep smiling.. and cry away from her.. talk to her about things.. you be suprised how strong people are...

Ashlee xx

Original poster

toptramp · 07/06/2011 19:12

I am supposed to be working at Glastonbury festival this year and I love Glastonbury but I just don't think I can do it. If she passed away during the festival I would NEVER forgive myself.

OP posts:

QuickLookBusy · 07/06/2011 19:43

toptramp, things may change at a moments notice but if I were you I would plan things. You can't just sit about waiting for the inevitable.

Just plan to work at Glastonbury but if things suddenly look bad you will have to cancel. People will understand.

Original poster

toptramp · 07/06/2011 22:45

Hi again. I think I am going to cancel Glasto. The way I see it I have many more opportunities to go but only one more time to be with my mum in my life. i would rather be with her. No sacrifice. I wouldn't be able to let loose anyway. I'd just be thinking of her in the hospice. it will be an honour to be with her.
I know this sounds wierd but I'm finding this experience to be quite spiritual It's bringing up a lot of the big questions and making me think about bhussism again which I have a lot of time for. It's actually very comforting. I saw death today and he was not a threatening figure. I just told him not now please; fuck off I need more time with my mum and he faded away. It wasn't a vision but in my imagination. I also have a feeling that my mum will be going to a beautiful, peaceful light place. The darkness is leaving us all behind. It is like being in limbo waiting for someone to die ; a bit like waiting to go into labour. I had a sense of de ja vu when in labour and I have the same sense of de ja vu now. That appeals to my bhuddist leaninga and makes me feel starngely comforting. My poor mum on the other hand. I just don't want her to be scared. I want her to feel safe.

OP posts:

Original poster

toptramp · 07/06/2011 22:45

sorry; bhuddism not bhussism!

OP posts:

Original poster

toptramp · 07/06/2011 22:46

sorry typos; i'm exhausted.

OP posts:

crazyhead · 08/06/2011 15:26

Just to say I'm really sorry, too. My Mum was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer yesterday, and it is just so frightening and random - so I really feel for you. It sounds as though you are following your instincts in how you cope with this, and I think that your comparison of labour and death is apt - they are both parts of the mystery of life coming into being and going. They are hard things to face but part of the reality of all of our lives.

I am glad you've had a chance to make peace with your Mum and I am sure you are the best possible daughter to her now.

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