It's my birthday on Saturday, but for the past three years all it has meant to me is horrid, sad memories of my Dad dying. Three years ago this week, after a 4 1/2 year battle with cancer, his body started dying. At this time 3 years ago the tumours reached his spine and he was paralized from the chest down but went on for another two months.
Normally I cope really well, but each year its like having flash backs, seeing him for the first time in this state, having to admit that he was really going.
I think I find it hard because I do cope so well the rest of the year. The anniversary of his death can go by and it means nothing to me, but this time of year does.
Everyone is full of birthday wishes, and I feel I have to put on a huge front when all I want to do is cry for my Dad, for the time I really started to loose him.
I can't seem to get images out of my mind, it's like replaying all the raw emotion all over again, Worse still I think I have resigned myself to the thought that this is going to be the same evry year, I want to find a way to seperate this sadness and my birthday.
My DDs are so excited about my birthday, but when they mention it all I want to do is cry. I think if it weren't for them I would just skip my birthday all together.