I don't actually know who I am anymore

[ItsMyTurn]

last year I was wife of a politician who was also director of a shipping company. He was suffering from depression and alcoholism - our lives were incredibly stressful to say the least. It was horrid. Then he died of a head injury sustained whilst under the influence. The fallout was horrendous. A year on and we have moved (I have two dc) to be nearer family. dd 13 and ds 4 have changed schools/friends house - everything. I am not working yet as ds still not at school. But even though our lives were traumatic before, I guess they defined me. Now I don't have a clue what I am about, what kind of person I am. Where my life is taking me. I feel rudderless. I think things will improve when I go to work and I am going to do a counselling course directed at children and youths. But I feel aimless.

it will be two years in august since I lost my dh to a hideous car accident
I am only just starting to find myself again
our three young girls are doing ok

I think it takes a lot longer than you may think to recover from the shock

and you have moved aswell which in itself is ahuge shock to your system

be kinder to yourself, you will find your rudder and your ain in your own time

relax into just recovering right now would be my advice

and so sorry to hear of your loss

I am sorry- what a hellish time you have had. I can see how you must feel you have been defined firstly by your DH's position and secondly the drama surrounding his passing. It sounds as if everything has changed in the last year. I think it might help you to get some counselling yourself or if you don't feel like that, to consider some life coaching. A good coach will have techniques to help you work out your own priorities and values and where you want to go next.
A year is not long in terms of losing so much - don't be hard on yourself for feeling aimless. Your aims will emerge!

thanks both . I thnk the more time that passes, the more I feel 'unravelled' and unsure. Oddly, we used to argue about stuff which made me feel strong and strident - now I don;t feel strong at all - even though people tell me i am and I have been through a lot and survived. I dunno................

Another who will be at two years in August (sudden, unexpected death due to a heart condition).

It wasn't until maybe two or three weeks ago that I started to think that I might one day feel like a person in my own right again.

After the first few months I set myself all these goals to try and distract myself. It was far too soon. A year is such a short time and you have been through such a lot.

As Trinity said, 'relax into recovering' - very good advice.

So very sorry that you're going through this...

sorry to hear of all your losses too. All of us losig someone unexpectedly and suddenly too.
signonthewindow - you have hit the nail on the head -I don;t feel like a person in my own right. I used to be fun and lively and realy good company but now I feel like my loss has defined me. I have become the Mum at the school gates whose husband died. I went round toa Mum's house today wth my ds (4yo) and I sort of felt like a person again. Bt we did chat extensively about my late dh and her trauma with an alcoholic ex husband. Is this all I am about now. I don't want tlc and sympathetic glances - I want to feel like 'me' again. Like you say though, time..............

'I used to be fun and lively and realy good company but now I feel like my loss has defined me. I have become the Mum at the school gates whose husband died.'

ItsMyTurn, I have written almost exactly those same words in emails to friends. Things will change. They really will. The other weekend I had to explain to one of the other mums what had happened and to be honest I was surprised that she hadn't known. I suppose I had been going around feeling that I had 'widow' stamped on my forehead.

The feeling defined by loss. Well I still think I am, but in a different way. Right now, at a year on the loss is so recent. It is with you every day. Your life has changed massively and all of a sudden. You are bound to feel defined by it alone at the moment - I did. But just recently - very, very recently - it has become part of what defines me rather than the sole thing.

Someone sent me a recent interview with Sarah Brown, where she talks about the loss of her baby. She says:

*'I learned simply that I did not need a way to mend myself, nor to return to being the person I was before.

I had assumed I must find a way to recover and resume my life, which proved impossible. Instead I realised that the loss...had changed me forever, and importantly I realised that this was OK. With that understanding, a burden lifted from my shoulders and I looked afresh at how to move forward'*

She puts it very eloquently, I think.