Advice on offering condolences & support please

[sartoria]

I have name-changed for this for privacy reasons.

I have sadly just learned that the older sibling of a child in my child's class was murdered. The school have called me to let me know they have spoken to the class, as the child (the younger sibling) was in school today telling their classmates about it.

I told the school that I would like to support the mother in some way, e.g. by offering to have her child after school some time. The school advised me to leave it a few weeks, as the mother is in shock and is not able to accept condolences at the moment.

I don't actually know the mother personally, have never spoken to her, although I have spoken to the child before (but have never had them round before as they are not a very close friend of my child's and they are still all v young). I don't want to interfere and offer condolences if the mother doesn't want to discuss it, but then I don't want to be aloof either, and am mindful that there have been posts on MN lamenting the fact that some people avoid those who are grieving. And in this case, the murder has received media attention so I'd heard of it before the victim was named.

I'd appreciate advice on what to do. Do I approach the mother and offer condolences now? Or do I wait a few weeks and then do it? Or do I say nothing at all?

Talk to her now, she may not accept any offers but she may welcome it at some point. The worst thing that can happen has already happened for the family so try not to put off talking about it for fear of upsetting her as anything you say will come from the right place, the family will have a police family liaison worker, could you talk to them as they will offer ideas and will have a clear idea what the family need.
Make sure that all staff teaching and non teaching are aware of what's happened.
Winstons wish are very helpful and can send info for you and will happily talk to you. Thankyou for caring and being a lovely caring teacher.

Thank you onlyjoking, I will speak to the mother as soon as I see her. Unfortunately I am not sure which out of a couple of women she is, as they seem to share the school run, but it will be easy enough to work out.

I am not a teacher though, just a fellow parent

Also have my own child to talk to about this, as she will be upset as she had to cope with several people she knows or is linked to in some way dying recently.

Do you know if the family has help / some friends on hand already?

Jumping in with offers of help may be a bit overwhelming, as although it is obviously very well meant, it won't be helpful as she's unlikely to just call you up and send her child round to your house, as someone she doesn't know. It may even seem a bit intrusive as you say you don't actually know who she is.

What about doing a card from you, your child and family instead to her and her family - so you can say "I know we've never spoken but x and y are in the same class, and we wanted to know how sorry we are and to offer help, here's my phone no and address." That way you're not having to put her through a conversation about it, or having to accept your condolences face to face when you are actually a stranger to her.

say how sorry, not know

Abelia - That's an excellent idea, thank you. I will write a card and give it to the teacher to pass on. My offer of help as such is to have her youngest round for a playdate (dislike that term but it's effective) on at least one occasion, as it would give the child a break for one thing. I am about the only mother in that class who does hold playdates and tbh was going to offer to have the child over at some point anyway, as him/her and my child are friends. So I feel that offer is consistent with who I am in relation to the mother and isn't too intrusive IYSWIM.

Update - My DD came home and wanted to talk to me about it. She has been chosen as one of 3 special 'buddies' for the bereaved child in the class - they are to look after him/her, not ask questions about the death but listen if the child wants to talk about it.

On that basis, I feel it will be appropriate to send a card and mention that I'd be happy to have the child over whenever is convenient.