Children talking about death together

[clavanrea]

My 4 year old had a discussion today with a friend (they are in Reception together), she told her it was her Daddies birthday and he was 52, the child retorted "People die when they are 52". She was really upset at bedtime tonight and I asked her why she was sad (after about an hour and a half of being unable to sleep) and she told me this and she really wept. I reassured her that this wasn't true and she asked me when you die, I simply said "When we are very, very old and we need to think about all the happy times and being alive and not think about things that make us feel unhappy". I really was flummoxed as to what to say really... anyone have any advice?

I've only got experience with older kids clavanrea (long story), sorry, but isn't it confusing for her to hear from you that people only die when they're very old, but hear from her friend that her father died and he wasn't? Won't she still have questions and then worry herself over them? I'm not suggesting that you go into details with a 4yo, but perhaps something along the lines of "Sometimes people go to Heaven" or whatever your faith suggests? I'm not very religious myself and I guess this makes you replace one lie with another, but it's a concept little ones can grasp.

has her friend got experience of someone close to her dying? if so then telling your dd that people only die when very old will turn out to not be true, either through her friend or someone else at some point.

i wouldn't bring it up again unless your dd does, but perhaps think about saying, "usually / nearly always, people die when they are very very old and their bodies are worn out. but sometimes people are ill or have a bad accident and die when they are younger. yes it is very sad but we try to think about all the happy times we had with that person and remember them that way." then leave it unless she has more questions about what happens after, in which case draw on your own faith or lack of to inform that answer.

it is a very normal age to be curious about death, and if it is kept fairly informal dc will then skip off happily the next minute, having been all sad and serious.

finally though yes of course she needs to be reassured that 52 does not = dying. talk to her about lots of people she knows who are much older than this and not dead.