Today I'm the same age as my mother was when she died

[Hassled]

• well not quite, she was 45 and 3/4, I'm 45 today. And I'm having a bit of a wobble.

The first thing is how long it's taken me to actually think about her. I was so lost in my own grief, and I guess was so young when she died, that all I thought about was me. But what can it have been like for her, in her early 40s, a single parent with two teenage children, and no family to speak of, to know she had terminal cancer? How the fuck did she cope? We moved to England after my parents split, when I was 10, to be near her mother - and then her mother died two months before we were due to move. We moved anyway - she got a job, made a lovely home for us, and then a few years later got cancer.

What she did have was friends, amazing friends, who despite not all knowing each other, still worked out a rota between them and took it in turns to abandon their own families, travel across the country or from Ireland and move in with us a week at a time. She must have been a hell of a woman to have friends like that - I'm still in touch with some of them.

And in the last few months, when she was in hospital, it was just my brother and I - he was 18, and running the house, paying the bills, cooking our supper and making sure I did my homework. It must have been so awful for her, knowing all this was going on. I was too busy thinking about how awful it was for us.

So there's that - and also this weird feeling that I never thought I'd make it to 45. Part of me never thought I'd outlive her. I can't really say anymore that I miss her as much as I miss having a mother - but the strength of character she must have had just takes me aback.

But the DCs and DH are great, and I have a Mad Men box set and a necklace and new kitchen scales and some books. They don't know the significance of the age, and I won't tell them - I just needed to get this all down somewhere.

It is significant for you. It's my Mum's birthday today - she's 85 and her DM was only 66 when she died. Funny you should start this thread because I was only thinking about that yesterday.

Have you chatted to your DB today - he is probably the person who can most understand how you're feeling.

Have a happy birthday anyway - great people are born on 9th May.

Sorry you lost your Mum, hassled, especially as such a young woman.

She sounds fabulous.

It is pretty natural that you are feeling like this. And pretty natural to have thought of yourself and not her whe you were losing her.

Acknowledging it is probably the best thing to do.

I hope you manage to enjoy your birthday with your lovely family.

She really does sound the most amazing woman and its a tragedy that you and your brother didn't have her for longer, Hassled. I do think most parents are incredibly strong when they have a terminal illness to cope with and their concern is mostly focused on their children. When visiting my Dad in the hospice last week, I met a man with two little children whose wife was dying. So painful to think about.

I feel for you today, I really do.

Bless you, I am sorry you lost your mum so young.

I lost my mum on August - I turned 40 a few weeks ago which I found strange as I so clearly remember my mum's 40th birthday..........silly things set you back a bit dont they!

Huge hugs to you xx

Thank you :). I'll be OK - and yes, DB will be in touch (he's in New York, still looking after me but from further away).

I just found the note that came with my Mad Men set from DS2: "I give you this in remembrance of when you said you wanted to get into Mad Man, and in the fervent hope that you will, for a period at least, watch something other than the West Wing" :o. I wish my mother had met the DCs.

Hassled There is a brilliant book (it's written by an American, so it is quite touchy-feely but I think that's a good thing) called "Motherless Daughters - the Legacy of Loss" - you can get it on Amazon. It has a whole section dedicated to what you're going through right now. I've read it and although it made me howl many times over, it is very, very helpful.

I'm sorry you lost your mum when you and she were both so young. My mum died of cancer too, although I was 35 when it happened. It is very common to think that you won't make it past the age your parents were when they died (my dad's dad died at 40, and when my dad turned 40 he had a horrible time for the whole year, until he turned 41).

Cruse could also be helpful. They counsel people regardless of how long it has been since the bereavment. www.cruse.org.uk - there will be a list of local branches on the website. They are a charity, and free to use.

I think you should tell your DH the significance of the age (not your DCs though, I agree). You need some support with this, not to continue bottling it up and always coping in silence.

I know exactly what you mean about missing having a mother. It's brought home more forcefully when you have children of your own, isn't it?

If you ever need to "talk" about your mum, MN is a good place to do it.

Hope you enjoy Mad Men - we're huge fans in this house! Happy Birthday xx

That's something that will always be hard isn't it Hassled. I often think how much my Dad would have like to see one of the DC, when they hit their goal, or achieve something. Or even to hear DS on his soapbox - sounds so like my Dad. He'd have been so proud.

I suppose that'll never go away for any of us.

BUT Happy Birthday anyway!!

Hi Hassled

I really get this.

My Mum died aged 50 and as I get closer to that age it really makes me think of things from my Mum's point of view and it shocks me.

I put on a great show of coping whilst my Mum was ill and then when she died I thought how it must have seemed to her that I wasn't affected that much and didn't care enough.

Now I am older I know that Mums are very wise and understand everything!

I'm sure your Mum was comforted by how you and your brother coped and I bet she was proud of you.

When I get to 50 I'm going to live the extra days on behalf of both of us and I'm going to enjoy them!

I wish my Mum had seen my DCs too.

Be strong Hassled, these feelings are natural. The love doesn't stop. The gap in your life doesn't close up. Of course you were consumed by your own grief because you were so young and its not fair to have to lose so much so young. You got through it as best you could in the midst of growing up yourself. I think you grieve for the loss as a child and later, grieve as an adult.

I'm pleased to hear your brother still looks out for you!

Thank you all so much. It's just nice to hear other people get it - it's not something I can talk about easily in RL.

MrsMoppet - I'll get that book - start tackling the demons.

Oh Hassled. That is so sad. :(

My own mother died aged 44 from cancer- She too was a single parent. I absolutely know what you mean when you say that you were lost in your grief- It is so easy to remember the death, the illness, the loss, and not the smile and the sandwiches she made for you on saturday afternoons...
When you have your own children, also, I think it changes the grief a bit... Makes you think how the dread must have filled her stomach. But she knew your brother was okay, she probably knew that you were too.

I have quite a bit until I get to that age, but my sister, who is very similar physically to Mam, is older than me, and she's starting to get laughter lines in the same places and moves in the same way.

Huge hugs to you, and happy birthday x

Happy Birthday Hassled! I totally get this too, though my mother died aged 21 and I am now twice as old as she ever was. (I find that totally impossible to get my head around).

Like you, I can not imagine how she possibly coped knowing that she would die - in my case, leaving my sister and I as not much more than babies. Since having DD it has made me extremely anxious about ME getting ill and leaving her when she is little.

You're right in that it not an easy subject to bring up in RL. My Dh is not much a one for emotional introspection. He would probably tell me not to be silly and to enjoy the life I have - I doubt he could understand it all.

Hope you have a good day though. It sounds as if you have a lovely family, and your mum would be so proud.

I relate to what you're saying, Hassled - my mom died in her 40's too and I feel my own approach to that decade with lots of strange emotions. I imagine I will have a big wobble too, when i get to the actual age she was when she was diagnosed, and then the age she was when she died.

I have that book "Motherless Daughters" and it is really moving and cathartic to read. I didn't find it particularly touchy-feely, just raw and honest, but maybe that's because I'm American too. I appreciated that it acknowledged how tough it all feels sometimes, how unfair it can feel, how we still feel like abandoned children sometimes even when we know that our mothers didn't want to leave and even when we haven't been children for many many years.

My lovely and well meaning boss gave it to me at the staff Christmas do, two months after my mother died, when everyone else in the office got a bottle of wine ! Merry Motherless Christmas! I didn't know whether to or .

As a birthday present to yourself, though, you could do worse.

I was moved to tears to read what wonderful friends your mother had. I hope you have equally lovely people in your life now, who will help you to celebrate your day. Happy Birthday xx

You know - just as I get a bit jaded and disenchanted with MN, I'm overwhelmed with the support and understanding and care that people take time to show.
Belle - it must be bitter sweet to see your Mum in your sister. I have that a bit with DD - no physical resemblance, but the same feisty intelligence and quick wit.
Porto - I share that anxiety about getting ill, to quite an over the top extent sometimes. I suppose it's inevitable. And you've been motherless since you were tiny - must have been bloody hard for you.
Cloudy - I can't believe your boss! Both thoughtful and tactless simultaneously. Thank you for your comments.

I have ordered that book too.....need any help I can get xx

Hassled, your post moved me to tears. I hope that despite the emotions that you are feeling that you have a lovely birthday.

Another one here who understands. My mum died at 26 and it was very disconcerting living past that age. How can you be older, more experienced, have seen more of life than your own mother? It doesn't add up does it.

I totally get what you mean about seeing it from her perspective. I spent a lot of time feeling sad for me at what I'd lost. Now as a mother myself I cannot imagine how you prepare yourself and your children for your death.

I have the Motherless Daughters book and I recommend it too. I also recommend Cruse, I have had some sessions and it has actually genuinely changed my life - it was very effective for demon tackling.

Being in touch with people who knew her is really helpful to me - I'm sure your mum's friends would love to hear from you. Not everyone really understands this milestone but the more you talk about it the easier it gets, I find.

Good luck and much love x

Thank you all so much - everyone. I just can't tell you how much it means to have people understand - most of my friends have their mums alive and well and just down the road.

I've had a good day - off now for a meal with the kids and perhaps a cocktail or too :).

I'm in a similar position, except that I'm the age my mum was when my dad died, and I keep trying to imagine how I would feel in her position - it's such a wierd feeling. She's struggling with dementia now, and hasn't really been happy since he died, not consistently and I feel so sorry for all that she has missed. The thought of coping, as many people do, with death at such a young age fills me with dread.

I'm part of this horrible club too, my bil is now the same age as my parents when they died, it's playing on my mind a lot, he has a twelve year old daughter, my dh and I are trying for one last baby, they will only be eleven as well when he hits that age (59) im 40. I'm not making any sense I know! But it has dominated a lot of my life that I will die young like my parents but now I'm putting real events there like my bil, future child etc.

Sorry, what a jumble but I have spent so much of my life without my parents that I now spend a fair amount of time trying to compare my life with theirs iyswim. Terrified that I will die young, and leave my daughter bitter like me., which I really really don't want.

I really miss them and have missed them for so many years now, choking up just thinking about it, it's so not bloody fair.

Sorry just needed to get that jumbled mess down.