I am heartily sick of people telling me I am doing so well

[MavisEnderby]

maybe outwardly,yes.Inwardly,I am reallystruggling atm.Have started drinking more wine,(having knocked it on the head at around 6 months,cos the kids don't need amummy who is drinking too much wine,right?)I want to get beyond this,bt its coming up to the anniversary and i feel shite atm but do know the wine stuff aint good.I need a kick up the backside.I now have regular hours and am going out with mum friends,Life is fairly good.I am missing the normal shite,someone to talk to re the kiddies,laughter and disagreement,intimacy.tELL ME TO GET A GRIP,I NEED IT ATM.

The thing about coping, or seeming to cope, is that you don't do it out of choice really do you? I mean you just have to plod on even when you are in bits, so complimenting you on coping is just a bit, well...it's not like you can just opt not to.

But it is just people trying to be nice I suppose. I hated people telling me how well I have carried on after sudden loss, I just used to think 'Oh do fuck off, I'd much rather not be 'coping' and have everyone still here, frankly.'

And you can yak away to us lot if you just need someone to bounce things off and hear you.

Hi, sorry I dont know your back story but sorry for your loss.

I know it must be irratating people saying that to you, when you dont feel it. But honestly, its probably either small talk because they dont know quite what to say, or it may be a compliment!! You may not feel you are doing well, but maybe they really admire your courage.

Only you know how you are really doing, and if all is not well, maybe next time friends or family say this to you, say "Well, actually, no im not. I need a shoulder to cry on / some more support / help with the DC's /housework" -delete as applicable.
And you can always rant on here :)

Aw you don't need a kick up the backside or to get a grip. Your feelings are entirely natural and understandable. And anniversaries are particularly tough. Course you are lonely and feeling pretty shite at times. You haven't got to be going through motions of everyday life/ distractions always

And fact you know/ are wary bout the drinking thing kinda shows you're not really lost down that rd. Maybe it is a bit of a crutch at times. But seeing this is first step to keeping it all in check.

Be kind to yourself

mavis don't know your story either but my son died suddenly in April 2010. Some days I feel I am coping well. But on other days it hits me like a hurricane. I can't tell you how to cope because we are all different but I still feel I am in the early days. I don't think I'vrecovered from the shock yet. Be kind to yourself and don't feel odd if you feel you cannot cope.From what I have learnt this is all normal, be kind to yourself x

Do you have a group of close friends that you are open with.

Sometimes my friends has cried about her dh even after 7 or so years after his death. I suppose I don't expect her to get over it and I'm always happy to talk with her about her situation.I don't think friends forget they probably are just taking the lead from you?

If inside you're not coping could you tell them?

Sorry I can't help, please be kind to yourself it's such early days.