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My mum died just after my DS was born.

7 replies

jpsmum · 06/05/2011 15:38

My mum suffered a stroke the day before I was induced with my DS - my first child, and as a single parent - the father did not want to know but I decided to keep my baby. Whilst I was labouring, she suffered another stroke and a heart attack. These left her blind and part paralysed. I wasn't allowed on her ward for a few weeks in case of germ contamination, and I was kept on maternity for a few days after and emergency c-section, particularly traumatic birth. They found out she had cancer, which had caused the strokes and the heart attack, and my lovely mummy died on 10th March this year. My son was born on 21st January. She never got to see him, and I only got to see her a couple of times in hospital, most of the time she was in agony or delerious, or towards the end just crazy-staring and communicating through tapping her finger.

I don't know why I'm posting really, I'm just so sad today. I miss her so much and she has left such a hole in our lives. My poor brother is only 22, I am so so sad for him. Our father was abusive so none of us talk to him, and although we have a wonderful step-father, he arrived later in our lives so it's not the same as having a blood parent. Sometimes I feel so lost, so alone. I look at my beautiful DS and I just feel consumed by sadness. Sad that my mum cannot see how gorgeous he is, or how well I am doing at motherhood. I met a man in the last few weeks of my pregnancy and he has been a real rock throughout all of this, and we have a good relationship, but I feel like he expects too much of me, and that his patience is wearing thin because no-one understands this grief until they go through it, no matter how much they can sympathise. Today is a difficult day, I just looked out into the garden and could almost see my mum sat in the sunshine smiling at me. I would give anything for her to be back with us. The sadness seems to get worse when it hits me. I just can't stop crying.

OP posts:
jpsmum · 06/05/2011 15:42

I must add that I have a good family network behind me, not least an amazing sister, who I feel is trying to look after the rest of us as she thinks my mum would. She too has two small children who will miss their grandma hugely, but I worry for her too because she has so much on.. How do we get on with this? When will it start getting beter?

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Rosa · 06/05/2011 15:57

I don't have any wise words but am sure somebody will have some for you . Good luck

flickor · 06/05/2011 16:02

I am in a very similar place - I understand with all my heart. Crying is the best way as it releases and helps with the pain. I am so sorry that your Mums end was so traumatic. It hurts so much when you see the baby do things and you cannot share them with your Mum. Your son will bring you strength. Its been three months for me and some days are fine and others are not. But I know time will help for you and me. All I can do is say that people here understand your grief and that I send my hugs. Your sister perhaps needs to look after you guys to help her. Take lots of care

ivykaty44 · 06/05/2011 16:02

You have had two really large changes in your life and no wonder you feel so lost Sad Having a baby which you thought you would share with your mum and your mum passing away is really a lot to deal with all in one go.

I can't tell you both how to grieve, but do you and your sister spend time talking to each other about your mum? Possibly happy memories along with mentioning your mum when something nice happens with one of her grandchildren?

I lost my mum 7 weeks before my dd 2 was born and it was hard trying to grieve and having a new baby, make sure you make time for yourself to grieve and not hide away your feelings

jpsmum · 07/05/2011 21:38

Thank you for your messages Flikor & IvyKaty - I am sorry for both of your losses. Sometimes it just helps to know others are going through or have been through the same thing, doesn't it? I just split with my boyfriend today too, it's just too much and I think he expects too much from me, so I've finished it with him. This has made me even sadder. But I'm thinking that being on my own and taking my time to grieve is a better place for me right now. xx

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TimeForCake · 13/05/2011 20:57

I lost my mum before my first baby was born last year too, although it was a year or so apart. I totally understand how you feel - how incredibly hard for you to go through all that at once.

I am devastated my gorgeous baby will never know his granny, it brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it. But, he shares her genes and he will always be her grandson just like I will always be her daughter. I carry her love in my heart and that will be passed on to DS. I have shown him photos and will tell him all about her. Just think- how much do we love our sons? Too hard to describe, yes? Well that's how our mums felt about us. It's right what they say about a mother's love.
Some of the reason you are such a good mum will be down to your mum. I wish my mum could see me too.

Enjoy every minute of your DS, somehow mine has given me strength and brings immense joy to my life. Nothing repairs the hole left by your Mum but a smile and a cuddle certainly helps.

Take care.

jpsmum · 22/05/2011 18:56

Hi Time For Cake - thank you for sharing your story, and I am sorry for your loss. You know, it's that line you wrote "that's how our mums felt about us" that kills me. I never appreciated that. And now it's too late. I'm still so very sad, I feel like I'm cracking up. I have split up from my boyfriend too now, so I just feel so lonely the entire time. But yes, DS does bring the light into my life, and I am pleased that you have yours too, to bring you those smiles that no-one else can, take care xx

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