My mum suffered a stroke the day before I was induced with my DS - my first child, and as a single parent - the father did not want to know but I decided to keep my baby. Whilst I was labouring, she suffered another stroke and a heart attack. These left her blind and part paralysed. I wasn't allowed on her ward for a few weeks in case of germ contamination, and I was kept on maternity for a few days after and emergency c-section, particularly traumatic birth. They found out she had cancer, which had caused the strokes and the heart attack, and my lovely mummy died on 10th March this year. My son was born on 21st January. She never got to see him, and I only got to see her a couple of times in hospital, most of the time she was in agony or delerious, or towards the end just crazy-staring and communicating through tapping her finger.
I don't know why I'm posting really, I'm just so sad today. I miss her so much and she has left such a hole in our lives. My poor brother is only 22, I am so so sad for him. Our father was abusive so none of us talk to him, and although we have a wonderful step-father, he arrived later in our lives so it's not the same as having a blood parent. Sometimes I feel so lost, so alone. I look at my beautiful DS and I just feel consumed by sadness. Sad that my mum cannot see how gorgeous he is, or how well I am doing at motherhood. I met a man in the last few weeks of my pregnancy and he has been a real rock throughout all of this, and we have a good relationship, but I feel like he expects too much of me, and that his patience is wearing thin because no-one understands this grief until they go through it, no matter how much they can sympathise. Today is a difficult day, I just looked out into the garden and could almost see my mum sat in the sunshine smiling at me. I would give anything for her to be back with us. The sadness seems to get worse when it hits me. I just can't stop crying.