When you lose somebody - do you think they are still with you? Really with you?

[snowkitten]

I lost my dh last April under traumatic circumstances . For a while after he died I felt he was troubled, angry - as his death was totally unexpected and shocking. I was with him the night he died but did not know he was dying - he had a slow bleed to the brain after a fall at home. I thought I could feel him angry that I did not do more - but was this just my thoughts projected out as i wished I had done more? I guess what I am asking - is do people's spirits REALLY live on or is it just that they live on in our hearts/minds?

Snowkitten - I don't know :( Sometimes I think they are here watching over us, with us... then I think..hmmm not sure I want you in the shower with me! I have a kind of 'on demand' relationship! They're there when I want them to be and not when I don't!

I am so sorry about your DH - I can't imagine the guilt you feel/have felt. Obviously you have nothing to feel guilty about - you couldn't possibly have known what was happening :( It's a shame knowing something doesn't always reflect in how we feel.

If your husband was as lovely as you, he would not have been angry with you. Maybe he was angry with himself for not going to A&E, maybe you were just feeling your own anger... I seriously doubt it was his anger x

I'm so sorry for your loss snowkitten, a sudden death like that must be so terribly hard to get your head around. It doesn't surprise me one litte bit you felt/feel angry. My sister and I knew she was going to die for years and I'm still utterly furious. I'd love to be able to answer your question but I think it comes down to faith and I'm not sure I'm best placed to answer that. But I do know people live on in our minds, the good things, the special private things only you knew about, they were all real and they're just as real now, they will be forever. And that's good enough for me.

In so far as people's spirits live on, they only want the best for you.

I found it helpful to read Gloria Hunniford's book about losing her daughter. One thing she does is that every time she unexpectedly sees a white feather, she believes it's her daughter telling her to notice something wonderful. I have to say that I have adopted this, and always think of my dad helping me to be happy whenever I spot a white feather, often in the most unexpected places. Obviously this sounds pretty woo, but it really works for me. It's a kind of mindfulness, 'remember to be happy' , 'don't be sad' thing, which I'm sure your dh would wish for you.

Guilt is a normal, natural stage of mourning, which people then slowly move on from.

thanks henrysmate - I used to post on here a lot as things were very tough for me and our children. And then dh goes and dies. Horrendous - beyond belief. We never had time to get things right - he was suffering with depression and was an alcoholic - I hate even sayting that about him because he was worth more than that title - he was a hard working, highly intelliegent man who strove to make things right for his family - but the wine won .. I want to knwo he is happy - our children were 12 and 3 when he died - he would have loved to see them grow up. He would lvoe to see how beautiful and confident our now 13 year old daughter has become. but he will never know. will he? Our son won;t even remember him. he was kind of scared of his Daddy because his behaviour was so erratic. Sad, so so sad

Oh no, that's the hardest thing isn't it? I'm looking after my nephews following my sister's death and that's the biggest responsibility I feel, keeping the good bits about her alive for them. They saw her sick, disfigured by illness, tired and that for a large part of thier little lives. But you sound very able to articulate the good things about him now, so I'm sure you'll be able to tell your wee-est one all about the kindest side of his father that you knew so well.

Thank u all for your posts. Not ignoring anyone. Feel very very sad tonight. No idea why. Just needed a few cyber shoulders. I need to know my husband is happy but I can't know that can I? Very hard

It's bloody hard. Take a teeny bit of comfort you are still plodding along. And you are going to have crap days and really crappy days.

I believe they pop in and out of our lives. I think we sometimes don't know they are there and ignore them but other times we are more in tune and can feel/hear/almost visualise them.

Take care you.

Snowkitten - so sorry for your loss. it sounds horrendous for you and your DC. I hope you are feeling a bit brighter today??

Are they with us - I dont know. My mum died 8 months ago and sometimes laying in bed I ask her to show herself, show me she is here etc etc..........I am not sure I believe she is but then I cant accept that she is no more - she must be about in some form surely!!

I think pancake has it nailed - they pop in and out and sometimes we are more in tune.

Huge hugs to you all xxx

So sorry to read about your DH - your words about him are beautiful. A sudden death is very hard to cope with.

I have lost one of my twin baby boys (7 months) and my DS3 (7 years) both many years ago but the longing to see them never, ever goes away. I personally feel that my sons are always around me....not sure if that is in my mind and heart or 'around me' IYKWIM. When times are difficult, and they often are, I will sit quietly and talk to them both. Just general nonsense like 'having a hard day today boys can you help?.' OMG that looks like Im crazy when I read it back!!!

Very often I will get the strong scent of lilies (even when there are none in the house), I will randomly turn on the radio and the song 'Pump up the jam' will be the next one played...DS3 adored that song and would sing it on top note most of the day!!!

I think that our loved ones never fully leave us - I think they always watch over us and try to help.

shabba I am so sorry - what a strong lady you must be.

I cannot imagine your pain.

Love to you xxxx

Thank you. I am very lucky because I have DTS1 who is almost 30 and DS4 who is 13 and was my 'massive suprise' baby - I had him when I was almost 41. Also a great DIL and a 2yr old grandson who I look after every day and who is 'helping' me to type this message (Gawd help us ) I have been very blessed with children and a good marriage....but it never takes away the longing for 'what could have been.'

Shabba - your losses eclipse mine by a mile. I am so sorry but am amazed at your resliance. You have strength to be admired. Thanks for your words though.

The loss of anyone we love is heart wrenching Snow....my great aunt died years ago just before her 102nd birthday - I cried for days and still think about her some 20 years later. I have kind of learned to live with what has happened in our family....I dont think we ever 'get over it' - (I hate those words) I think we learn to live with it. I do, really, really believe that our lost loved ones never, ever go away unless we stop talking about them and keeping them in our hearts and minds. xxxx

My husband collapsed one morning and I had to switch off his life support 2 days later. He was 34.
To this day, I have felt nothing of any type of presence and it pisses me off. It pisses me off that I have to listen to shit from my family and in-laws that he's 'looking over us'. I keep my mouth shut as I don't want to hurt them but in my mind I think-like fuck he is!

I would prefer to not to go down the 'daddy is in heaven' route- but how do you begin to explain where he is to a toddler? It equally pisses me off that each anniversary has to be marked with a religious ceremony, that he is buried in a religious setting that has some of the shittiest holy crap on his grave I have ever set my eyes on. There is so much crap on the grave I can't look at it anymore. I couldn't begin to tell his family that I want to put it in a bonfire.

Chunky - I am so sorry that you aren't getting to have things the way you want them - that must be incredibly hard. I honestly believe that by the time you are 34 that the wife/husband of the deceased should be the main consideration in how things should be and that other people should take a bit of a back seat. However, I suppose it's hard for his parents & family to do that... but it really doesn't seem right that your DH's grave isn't how you would have it. What do you think HE would have wanted?

I don't know any other way to explain it to a toddler... hence we went with 'heaven' ... not my first choice, but at least they are understood when they are asked as well as it being a bit easier to explain to them.

chunky - so sorry . I talk to my dh's parents regularly and they 'talk to' their son and are very very sad about it - obviously. I have not marked any place as a resting place for my dh/ We scattered his ashes around a tree in a memorial garden and I will consider his resting place to be there. I know no one will visit there though as it is too far for everyone to visit ( his parents are a 4 hr roudn trip away and in their 80's and his sister lives in Wales (I am on South coast). Our dd does not want to visit and did not attend the scattering adn we are not a particularly religious family. So. what right do I have to expect my dh to make his prescence felt just becuase I need his reassurance that he is OK????? Once you die, I kind of think that must be it - but I cannot allow myself to totally think that because i dont want to believe that life can be snuffed out so totally and FINALLY. I don;t know what I think but.......................

Thanks chippingin and snowkitten,
It turned into a bit of a rant. I'm trying to sort out his gravestone atm and its feels so odd. I buried him in his parents home town as we hated where we lived then and couldn't in conscience leave him there. He loved his very beautiful home place.

I once went to his grave to see that my PILs bought the grave next to him and organised for it to be joined to his ! It took a lot of explaining as to why that was not on. I then had to ask them not to have a 'matching' grave.

They are lovely people with good hearts and would hate to hurt them but they honestly don't get why I would find religious stuff offensive these days. They love him too and I know that in the big scheme of things I'm not going to fight with them over it. My MIL even said that there was too much 'son' 'brother' references on his grave and they should be reduced to make room for 'husband', 'father'. Is there a widow equivalent to bridezilla? (widowzilla doesn't flow for me).

I guess I have a few awkward conversations with my son when he gets older-I had to do the heaven thing as he did think that his dad was in the sky working with santa. BTW He must also be the only child in the western world who thinks that santa is a burgler (I may have said that santa took the tree away in January .

Like you snowkitten I hate to think that there is nothing, but no intelligent planning would have done this to our family and left me with nothing from him.

snowkitten, was about to post something along the lines of no, not really, when I read your particular circumstances.

How sad for you.

When my dad and brother died, I had plenty of time get used to the idea that they would die, so the feelings are bound to be different.
I am an atheist, and believe the memory of the dead by the living is what survives, and that there is no afterlife.
I have dreamt of DD and DB occasionally over the years, and each time it has been joyful beyond measure, as if they were alive. The kind of dream where the feeling follows you around for some time after waking. I can count the dreams on one hand - over 17 years - and each one vivid and precious.

I would wish such lovely dreams for all the bereaved.

Best wishes, snowkitten