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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Children at funerals?

21 replies

AlisonJP · 03/05/2011 14:07

My grandma died at the weekend and my younger daughter aged 6 says that she wants to go to the funeral.

I am not sure whether this is a good idea but at the same time, I want to respect her wishes and allow her to go if she wants to.

Does anyone have any advice on this or ideas on how to prepare her for the funeral?

Thanks,

Alison

OP posts:

littleducks · 03/05/2011 14:14

Sorry for your loss.

I would go but tell her before hand if she wants to step outside at any point she just has to say and that will be fine (so dont sit at the front). It will probably be unnecesary but then it would be reassuring for her if she does get worried.

Are you likely to get upset? If so perhaps having someone less emotionally involved (dh/dp/another relative) on standby if you need a moment to compose yourself

I would talk briefly about the expected schedule of the funeral to, so she is aware of how it will all happen and knows what to expect

Pagwatch · 03/05/2011 14:17

All of my children went to my fathers funeral, as did all my cousins.

Talk her through what will happen. Tell her she can ask to go out if she wants to.

I don't see any downside in my children seeing me upset when it is appropriate and reasonable.
Death and grief are part of life.

bobs · 03/05/2011 14:17

Sorry for your loss. Absolutely definitely let her go. I think any direct relative, if old enough to have his/her own views, should be allowed to decide. I have been through this twice now, once with my sister's funeral, and last year with my Mum's . With my Sister's funeral I gave both DDs the choice - DD1 wanted to go and dd2 (7 at the time) decided not to, so I got a friend to look after her. The second time with my Mum's funeral I actually decided they should both go (then aged 12 & 15) and they were fine with it. They went to both the crem and the service of blessing, and were then taken back home - DD1 had a Drama GCSE later the same day!!! My brother's kids, aged 2 & 4, on the other hand, didn't go.
I think it's important to explain everything that's going to happen and let them make their own decision at that age. Also, let them wear what they want - within reason.

Ooopsadaisy · 03/05/2011 14:23

So sorry OP.

To my mind if the child wants to go then it is best to let them, despite your own reservations. She will resent you later for not allowng her to go.

My DCs first attended a funeral at ages 10 and 8. They were fine. It helped them understand.

If it is a cremation, you might like to consider arranging it so that everyone leaves before the coffin goes in behind the curtain. This, imho, is the most potentially upsetting bit. This is what we did for my DCs. Alternatively, perhaps there could be a discreet nod at the time that "any younger people might like to leave the room".

In our case it was a very, very small service (small family and my poor old Granny had no friends left still alive) so we could do it around the DC's needs rather than a great room full of people who might object to changing the conventional service.

kahlua4me · 03/05/2011 14:30

Hello
So sorry for your loss.
My dear dear stepfather died 2 years ago, when my ds was 5.

Initially I was reluctant to let my ds attend the funeral as I wanted to protect him from seeing us so upset. However my dh was brought up in the belief that all go to the funeral from a young age.

We decided to give ds the choice. He did come and was amazing. The morning of the funeral he was up at 5am and together with my db made a sparkly star which he placed on the coffin during the service. He dealt with it all so well and I now believe that it certainly helped him to be there.

I think you need to give her choice but let her change it whenever she wants, even on the day.

We helped the dc by explaining to them about heaven and Grandpa being a star to watch over them.

A few days after he died my ds wrote him a letter and asked us to post it up the chimney. That is how they write to father christmas so he thought that he could get a letter to Grandpa the same way!

Even now if he is missing him he writes a letter and we send it by fire.

Hope that helps and sorry it is so long

kahlua4me · 03/05/2011 14:32

As Oops said about the curtain, we did the same. We asked them not to close it until everyone had left

tassisssss · 03/05/2011 14:38

Sorry about your grandma.

I would take a 6 year old who wanted to go.

Try to talk through everything that'll happen with her in advance. If you're not sure of procedure do ask the funeral directors/minister for details.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/05/2011 15:15

Sorry to hear about your Grandma.

I wouldnt let her go to be honest....she is only 6. I went to a funeral when I was 10 and seriously, it screwed me up disturbed me for years and still does!! I think kids have a concept of death, funerals etc and when I went to my Great Aunts funeral I was so shocked..it really wasnt what I was expecting and ever since I have had a real morbid fear of dying/death etc etc

My lovely mum died last August and my DS didnt go - I really didnt want him there although he came to the "do" afterwards which was lovely as he lightened the mood.

However, you know DD so you know whether emotionally she is able to deal with it or not - just wanted to show another side of it xx

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/05/2011 21:46

sorry to hear about your grandma :(

tbh i would let your dd go as she wants to -she can always leave if gets too much

i have several children at my dh funeral next week,as they want to go and say goodbye to him - but they are older at 11 and 15

MummyDoIt · 03/05/2011 21:51

My DSs went to DH's funeral when they were 4 and 5. I explained to them beforehand what would happen. They were also told that they could leave at any point if they didn't like it and my sister was primed to take them out if this happened. DS1 stayed throughout, DS2 asked to leave halfway through.

They coped with it remarkably well and don't seem at all emotionally scarred by the experience. On the contrary, they still talk excitedly about their ride in the big car!

madworld78 · 04/05/2011 09:59

Sorry for your loss. Both my dc's attended my mum's funeral. They were asked if they wanted to go. We explained people may be sad so they were prepared. Older one stayed with other nanna. Younger one remained close to me. It was all fine and I am glad they got the chance to say goodbye. they were 5 and 7 btw

Northumberlandlass · 05/05/2011 12:56

My dear uncle died at the end of Feb, he didn't have any children so myself & DS were very close to him.

I talked to DS (7) about the funeral (well actually Thanksgiving Service) and what would happen etc and gave him the choice, he decided to go to school instead and come to 'the party' afterwards. We made it clear that it was his choice and didn't put him under pressure at all either way.

He was happy with his decision and that was the main thing. If he had wanted to come along that would of been fine too. He had seen my Uncle a few days before his death and he was aware then what was happening.

Sorry for your loss x

saffronwblue · 08/05/2011 12:59

My DS 7 and DD 4 attended my DF's funeral. I never considered them not going. I had a picture book ( sorry can't remember the name) which discussed a fuenral and we looked at it together and talked about where we would be, where the coffin would be etc. They didn't know the church so they had a walk around it and met the minister the day before. I think watching us grieve and celebrate his life helped them to make sense of their own feelings.

dizietsma · 08/05/2011 13:07

Children need to grieve too.

tallulah · 08/05/2011 13:36

When my dad died we asked the children what they wanted to do. The eldest two, 10 and 8 wanted to go to the funeral, as did my DN aged 9. My younger two, 6 and 4 didn't want to go and were left behind with the other GPs.

If your DD wants to go I would take her, but with the suggestions the other posters have made about explaining it all first and allowing her to leave if she needs to.

MmeBlueberry · 08/05/2011 13:41

All of my children went to my mother's funeral a few months ago. They were absolutely fine and really did want to be included. They are used to going to church, though.

I don't think you really need to prepare your DD. You will have enough of a job preparing yourself. Let her know that there will be lots of tears, but also lots of laughter.

ChinnityRhino · 10/05/2011 08:30

sorry about your loss

I would let her go if she wanted to

bustersmummy · 10/05/2011 08:35

So sorry for your loss.

My FIL died when my girls were 9 and 6.

They both wanted to go.

I was very lucky. (And this makes me cry even now to think of it)

There were two girl friends of my son (one of whom travelled a great distance to be there and the other who travelled an hour and a half - again girls, thank you from the bottom of my heart)

They offered to be on "duty" to take the girls out if it got too much for them (church service and burial)

My DD's didn't go to the burial in the end, stayed in the church hall with the two older girls being fussed over by the church ladies.

One of the girls (who I am still incredibly close to) actually got a plane 3 days earlier than she intended so that she could be there that day. I didn't know she was coming until she walked into the church.

bustersmummy · 10/05/2011 08:35

BTW they weren't his "girlfriend" they were female friends

worldgonecrazy · 10/05/2011 08:40

My MIL died recently and her funeral is tomorrow. There has been much discussion in the family as we all have different views. My daughter, 16 months, will be coming with us, as I do not believe that death should be hidden away from children, they need to understand and grieve in their own way. My SIL and FIL think that children should not go to funerals as they might find it upsetting to see adults upset. My SIL children are older, 5 and 7.

I remember not going to my Great Grand Mother's funeral, even though we were very young. The memory of not going has stayed with me a long time. After that we were allowed to go to funerals and have learned to deal with the intensity of grief during the service.

bustersmummy · 10/05/2011 08:45

FWIW I think it was good for my DDs to be there - it let them see that death and grieving is natural and not something to be scared of.

I also think that it helped the family after (at tea in the church hall - thinking of elderly great aunts and uncles and my MIL) to have the youngsters there.

I am sorry for the thread hijack btw.

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