I miss my sister

[MissRead]

She died when she was 8 and I was 10, it was a long time ago and for a lot of the time life goes on and I don't think too much about her. But 2 things lately have brought her to my mind.

Firstly DD (also 8, which is bittersweet) found a book with my sister's name written in it which led to questions which led to me telling her about what had happened. We never had before but I always knew it would come. She was typically underwhelmed - let's face it an aunt she never knew is not really a big deal to her - but speaking about it was odd and unsettling for me.

Then on top comes all the royal wedding hype about the lovely Middleton sisters and I feel so envious of their clearly close relationship. I had only one little bridesmaid at my wedding as none of my friends wanted to be one and that still hurts 10 years later because the one person who should have been there wasn't. We laid my bouquet on her grave the day after which is really all we could do.

I so wish she was here and wonder what our relationship would have been like. Also how different all of our lives would have been - my parents split up after her death, my mother has remarried twice, once to an evil abusive bastard but luckily now to a lovely kind man. I didn't speak to my father for years and although we have a great relationship now the repercussions of all of the above have coloured everything in my life.

No point to this rambling post but I am feeling low today - probably just post-holiday blues but also sadness, bitterness and resentment that I have lost someone who should have been a major part in my life and how that loss has shaped everything since :(

Big hugs. There is nothing I can say. Today is the fourth anniversary of my daughters death. xx

I lost my younger sister over 10 years ago and I think I can relate to how you are feeling. Sometimes I can go weeks or months without feeling sad about Diane's death then suddenly it hits me so hard. There are so few people left in the UK that remember her and in some strange way that makes it (even) worse.

So sorry Nowitty, how I feel is a million times different to how you must, the loss of a sibling is very very different to the loss of a child, I know my parents will never ever recover from that. Nothing I can say to you either but thanks for taking the trouble to reply on such a hard day for you x

Thanks Hunker, sorry that you have had to go through the same to be able to empathise with me :( x

Siblings are often the forgotten mourners when everyone is concerned about how parents feel when a child dies. I am so sorry for your loss, and I can relate to how you are feeling. It's hard as well to become an only child, and the sole focus of parental expectations. My sister and best friend died 12 years ago aged 33. I still miss her, and wish that she knew my daughter who is now 13 and reminds me of her in many ways.

My DD is very like my sister in many ways GRW, it's bittersweet isn't it. I'm so sorry you've had to experience this as well. I can't decide if I would rather have known my sister as an adult as you did or whether that would just have made losing her even harder. Life is so unfair sometimes :(

I've got nothing constructive to add MissRead other than I share your pain. Losing a sibling, especially a close one, really does shape the rest of your life, that's well put. Big hugs.

Thanks henrys, I really feel as though everything that's happened to me since is a direct result of that incident, like a domino effect.

Thinking of you Miss Read. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been for you. I lost my sister a year old today and that is hard enough.

How sad that there are so many of us in the same boat. I'm sorry for your loss, this must be such a hard day for you although if you are like me it isn't always the obvious days (such as anniversaries) that are worst, quite often it's something completely unexpected that makes it hit home yet again.

Thank you Miss Read. Am finding today really hard. I have also lost my mum recently and I have cried in Toys R us because a family were than with their nanny. That is so true it is the silly stuff.

I know exactly how you feel, the strangest things get me although feeling sad at seeing a happy family together isn't strange at all, I can understand completely why that would upset you. Don't know what else to say but sending you a hug across the web - I know that's not a very MN thing to do (and I generally hate that sort of thing) but if you can't do it on this board where can you?

Thank you. Returning a hug to your too.

Ooops, I keep breaking MN law and offering out hugs willy-nilly .
Does it really feel like that for youMissRead, the bit about the domino effect? Do you relate one thing to another? I feel like there's a line in my life, Fran alive then Fran dead, and nothing about what I'm already calling the second half of my life will ever be the same again.

Yes it does henrys although I don't know if I'm blaming that one incident for things that are actually unrelated. But the way I see it we were a perfectly happy loving family until J was killed then my parents were totally divided by their grief and eventually separated. My teenage years were spent stuck in the middle of an unstable mother and a psycho stepfather and that itself has had a huge effect on my life since. I feel rightly or wrongly that most of the 'bad' in my life (debt, drinking too much, lack of confidence, tendency to depression) can be traced back to that time. It's true that it was living with the evil SD and supporting my mother is what I found really hard but if J hadn't died then I don't think that situation would ever have arisen - do you see what I mean?

It's taken me nearly 40 years to sort my life out (although on the outside I appear reasonably successful and 'together') and I genuinely do feel that can be traced back to a single event, the loss of my little sister :(

That's so sad that your parents grief tore them apart, and that you were caught up in your mothers difficult relationship with your stepfather. Sadly losing a child does lead to a higher incidence of divorce, as men and women often grieve differently.
Are you able to share your thoughts with either of your parents? My parents and I don't talk about my sister much; she died by suicide. They have stayed together and come to terms with it well.

They were the classic example of grieving differently - my Mum wanted sympathy and compassion, my Dad just went inside himself and wouldn't let her in or comfort her. It's so sad and it wasn't pleasant to be on the outside of their relationship watching them push further and further apart.

I couldn't really bring up how I feel after all this time, both of them have only recently found happiness with new partners and it would be a bit churlish to rake over old ground now. But I am bitter about the whole thing and the repercussions it's had on me - I even wonder whether I would have married my DH if things had been different. He's a good man and we have a happy marriage but looking back I very much settled for someone sensible and secure (he's also 8 years older than me so maybe tiny bit of a father figure thing) rather than a 'soulmate' if such a thing exists. That's why I say my sister's death has had so many repercussions. Sadly there have been many times over the years when I've missed her as much for someone to share the burden as for just being my sister and friend.

I'm glad your parents have managed better than mine, suicide must be very hard to come to terms with.

Reading this has made me realise I'm not alone in how I feel. I lost my two year old sister over 30 years ago when I was four. It's been with me all my life and having recently become a mother it's hit me again. I miss her so much and I constantly worry about my baby daughter. I've gone through life worried that people I love will die. The same year my sister died, my Nana and my Grandma also died. I feel this has affected the way my life has been and the way I am now. It all still feels raw 31 years on. I don't have any other siblings and feel the loss deeply still. Like others have said you can be fine for a while and then something will remind you or cause you to think about it. Today's a bad day-no reason just the way I'm feeling.