Friend just lost her 16 year old ds

[Poppyella]

Hi

A friend from work lost her 16 year old ds last week. He was standing next to his moped, which he had had for only 10 days, when a drunk driver drove into him and he died at the scene.

We both work really part time and don't really see each other much, although did go out for lunch together a couple of months ago during a study day we happened to be on together. Before we had kids, a group of us went away together, we did nights out and she was my manager at work. I don't phone or email her or go out socially now but we are still friendly when we see each other.

But I can't bear this. I think about her constantly. I want to see her. I want to give her a hug. I want to cry with her and tell her how sorry I am. I cannot stop thinking about what she must be going through and the events that she has experienced over the last 10 days. Every teenage boy I see, I think of her ds, how he should be enjoying the sunshine and hanging out with his mates.

But my question is this. How appropriate do you think it is for me to contact her and ask to see her? She has her family, her close friends and those whom she see's much more than me. Do you think she would think 'why is ..... only contacting me now, but didn't before'? I never even me her ds. Do you think I should wait a while, perhaps after the funeral.

I have signed the card for her at work and was the only one to mention her son's name. I said how handsome he is. (there is a photo of him up at work). But I feel I want to say so much more.

Please let me know what you think. This is the first time any friend of mine has lost a child, I am not that experienced with death (thankfully).

x

Just saw on unanswered messages, didn't want to read & run.

Your friend might be after some time alone / with v.close family right now so she may not be up to seeing you, perhaps a card / letter through her door or text message (less intrusive than a phonecall / visit) to say something like "I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm here if you need me for anything". This will open the door for her to contact you if she wants to and will also let her know you're thinking of her.

I wouldn't leave it until after the funeral though, a lot of people I know who have lost close family have said how hard it is to know people are avoiding them out of fear of not knowing how to handle the situation / what to say .etc.

Hope this helps.

Totally agree, let her know you're there for her, let her know how genuinely you are sad, and you don't know what to say. Do it soon, and I agree an note or a text is best. It's Ok to say "I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you, I can't think of anything apart from you actually, I don't know what I can say or what I can do to help, but please ask for whatever you need. Please feel free to call any time."

Thank you for your replies. I really do want to see her, I don't want to avoid her and don't feel fearful of not knowing what to say. I just don't want her to think that I am intruding because I am not that close to her. Just friends who see each other at work really. I don't even have her phone numbers.

But you're right, I have to do something because I want her to know I care.

It was only at that lunch with her that we were talking about the thought of losing one of our children and how we didn't know how we'd ever cope. (Her eldest son had been in ITU with swine flu over Xmas). It brings it all home.

So so sad.

I answered your other thread.